Chapter 8: Wangst material without any wangst

“We listened to whiny rock songs while Jessica jabbered on about the boys we hung out with.” Bella continues to prove herself to be a very bad friend. She said one sentence ago that she got a rush from the whole ‘Girl’s Night’ thing, but now she’s classifying Jessica’s conversation as ‘jabbering’.

“"People ask you out here," she reminded me, "and you tell them no." So someone has noticed that Bella has some major contradictions going on. She was never noticed in her old town, but now she’s the town darling.

“"Tyler told everyone he's taking you to prom," Jessica informed me with suspicious eyes.” This doesn’t make any sense given the context of the scene. Why would Jessica think that Bella is going to the prom with Tyler when she’s just pointed out that Bella turns down every guy who asks her out? That’s just lazy writing.

“"He said what ?" I sounded like I was choking.” Bad writing- what’s wrong with ‘“He said what?” I choked out’?

“The girls'-night high was wearing off in the wake of my annoyance at Tyler, leaving room for the gloom to move back in.” What high? You’ve been a sad sack the entire trip, like always. It really makes no sense why anyone would like Bella – that girl could out-mope Eeyore.

Typo, page 74: a pair of pinkstrappy heels

Angela has answered “quietly” twice in two pages. Do you think she’s quiet?

“I was beginning to really like Angela.” Bella now has three classes of people she likes: really rude, really easily used, and really quiet, so she doesn’t have to actually have conversations. Human interaction is so overrated anyway.

“they didn't know how preoccupied I could get when surrounded by books;” I have a hard time believing this. Bella is rarely mentioned reading and does not seem to get anything out of reading.

“I decided that was one conversation I could skip. There had to be a normal bookstore in town.” I’m so judgmental it hurts sometimes.

“I was wrestling with despair.” Back to being Big Ole Miss Sad Sack. I don’t believe Bella has ever experienced a negative emotion deeper than mild chagrin, which is why she categorizes all her minor emotions as gigantic, life-ending things.

“But a small, frightened voice in the back of my mind warned me that they might be something worse than thieves.” Honestly, this just seems like yet another thing to confirm that Bella is the speshulest most beautiful girl in the world. She can’t even walk around a town without people attempting to rape her.

“I was sure to trip and go sprawling if I tried to go any faster.” Adoraklutz strikes! Seriously, does Bella have a major inner ear problem that makes her so clumsy? The clumsiest people I know don’t fall down every five minutes like she claims to do.

“"Get in," a furious voice commanded.” “Furious” What right does he have to be furious? Especially since I get the feeling that that fury is going to be directed at her, not the potential rapists.

“"Put on your seat belt," he commanded,” Who the hell does he think he is, giving orders like that?

“blowing through several stop signs without a pause.” Dude, you’re in a car, and even if you weren’t, you could rip those guys to pieces. Why are you endangering innocent lives?

“until it occurred to me that his expression was murderously angry.” If he was angry at the rapists, this would be kind of sweet. But if he’s angry at her, it’s as if almost getting raped was her fault. You never can be too sure with Edward.

“"Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down," he clarified,” The word “prattle” is very telling… it establishes that he doesn’t really think what she says is important or valuable.

Typo, page 78: he think sprom

“Edward's voice was low, but full of authority.” Spank me, Daddy-man!

“She bit her lip, trying to figure out from my expression whether that was what I wanted.” Again, Jessica is being an ideal friend. She may talk too much, but her heart is totally in the right place. But of course, SMeyer ret-cons her into Queen Bitch.

“Obviously, there would be no further discussion.” Why does she let him boss her around like this? If I had just had a traumatic experience like a gang-rape attempt, the last thing I would want to do would be to eat. I’d be a quivering, crying mass, not grinning and winking and docilely following orders. Bella has no imagination and no depth to not realize that a horrible thing just happened.

“"Do I dazzle you ?"” *snerk* Maybe it’s because I’m a big fan of the X-men, but that line makes me think of Edward in a silver jumpsuit and roller skates.

“she assured him with another unnecessary smile.” I’ve worked as a waitress. We’re supposed to smile at customers. What are these girls supposed to do, glower at Mr. Sparklepants?

“"Drink," he ordered.” He never suggests, does he? It’s always a direct order. Living with him would be like living with R. Lee Ermey.

“I sipped at my soda obediently,” Maybe she’s just a natural submissive?

“He was removing a light beige leather jacket now; underneath he wore an ivory turtleneck sweater. It fit him snugly, emphasizing how muscular his chest was.” More *snerk*. His clothes are ridiculously camp, and people who are dead white can not wear white.

“"That color blue looks lovely with your skin,"” Wait, what? What blue?

Typo page 81: “She sat them down.” It should be “set”.

“"Only you could get into trouble in a town this small. You would have devastated their crime rate statistics for a decade, you know." Bella Sue needs some wangst, or people might think she gets everything too easily. Of course, nothing happened, so it’s the best of both worlds.

“I wondered if it should bother me that he was following me; instead I felt a strange surge of pleasure.” Meta-Bella almost realizes again that he’s a creep.

“I felt a spasm of fear at his words,” Abusive action alert – he just threatened her with death.

Chapter 7: Perhaps the only appropriately named chapter

 I’d make a comment on why can’t Bella enjoy a basketball game, but Adoraklutz totally hates all sports for a reason beyond that sports aren’t “feminine”.

“desperate now to find the sun.” And here goes Smeyer, beating away with the symbolism stick. Edward is the sun. Every thing else is blackness and darkness. Geddit?

“In his place was a large red-brown wolf with black eyes.” Because Native Americans are just like wolves. More clumsy foreshadowing.

“Fishing again.” I don’t know why she assumes this… he is the Chief of Police. Then again, she doesn’t seem in the least bit interested in his comings and goings.

The following is 208 words that do nothing to advance the plot. I get it- dial-up is slow. I remember from my own days using dial-up. But this scene has the same dramatic pacing as bridge construction, to quote Dave Barry.

Another typo, page 64: Throughout the vast shadowy world of ghosts and demons there is no figure so terrible, no figure so dreaded and abhorred, yet dight with such fearful fascination,

Well, she actually gets the myth of the Danag correct… which is surprising, given how she completely screws up the much more important mythology of the Quileute.

And she’s back to making things up. While the myth of the “Charitable Witch Doctor” (the actual translation of Stregoni benefici [why is only the first word italicized?]) isn’t too bad, it makes no sense that it would be applied to a vampire. It seems more like something that fought against vampires would be classified as something else- see Abraham van Helsing.

“I decided that most of the blame belonged on the doorstep of the town of Forks — and the entire sodden Olympic Peninsula, for that matter.” Yes, that’s the only reason anyone in the world looks up vampires. God forbid she have an interest in something.

“My sense of direction was hopeless; I could get lost in much less helpful surroundings.” I’m kind of torn on this. On one hand, it makes Bella into a totally helpless female yet again. On the other, I also have a terrible sense of direction. I guess I’ll take this as another token attempt at making her flawed.

“There were many I didn't know, and others I couldn't be sure about because they were so covered in green parasites.” Parasites? What on God’s green earth is she talking about? Moss? Or leaves? Also, I doubt that Bella is the kind of good Junior Chipmunk who can identify different trees by their bark.

Typos again, page 66: And the way be [paragraph break] sometimes spoke.

“with unfamiliar cadences and phrases that better fit the style of a turn-of-the-century novel than that of a twenty-first-century classroom.” There’s no evidence of this. His inflections may sound old-fashioned, but his speech definitely does not. The only “turn-of-the-century phrase” I can think of would be that he called her “absurd” instead of “stupid”.

Also, minor quibble, but she was talking about the collective traits of the Cullens, then switches to Edward in particular, then continues with the collective traits of the Cullens without specifying which is just him and which are all of them.

“Something outside the possibility of rational justification was taking place in front of my incredulous eyes.” This just sounds… fake. Like she wrote down: “I couldn’t believe what was happening- the ridiculous things playing out in front of my own eyes”, then shook her head, decided it wasn’t pretentious enough, and re-wrote it.

Just wanted to mention the abuse of dashes. She could have used commas about six times, but used giant dashes instead.

“I was gripped in a sudden agony of despair as I considered that alternative.” *tuts* Oh, Meta-Bella, where have you gone? Edward has been nothing but bad news to you. Why would it be agony to dose him with his own medicine? Why are you so weak?

“After all, if he was something… sinister, he'd done nothing to hurt me so far.” There should be an ‘even’ before the ‘if’. Otherwise it makes no sense grammatically.

“I didn't know if there ever was a choice, really. I was already in too deep.” This is clichéd as well as being totally untrue. She can easily walk away and tell Edward to get stuffed. She won’t, though, because she sees his obnoxious, disrespectful behavior hides a fluffy frightened bunny rabbit of a man… except it doesn’t.

“Sometimes the relief was tainted by despair, like my decision to come to Forks.” It’s been almost 3 pages since I’ve reminded you readers that Forks sucks big time.

“I opened the window — surprised when it opened silently, without sticking, not having opened it in who knows how many years — and sucked in the relatively dry air.” Foreshadowing that Edward has been most creepily stalking her, and being such an abysmal excuse for a man that he would put the woman he loves in mortal danger for his own gratification.

Typo page 68: “watching the dust moats stirring in the sunlight that streamed in
the back window.” Do they have little castles too?

“With a sigh, I folded it over my arm and stepped out into the brightest light I'd seen in months.” Can anyone figure out this timeline? She arrives in Forks on a Saturday or maybe a Sunday. She starts school on Monday, meets Edward, he disappears. By Friday (mentioned on page 19) she recognizes the people at school. The La Push trip- that first Friday - is two weeks away. Edward returns on a Monday or a Tuesday after her first weekend in Forks. According to this chapter, she went to the beach the day before yesterday. She has been there for three weeks… and the weather has gone from perma-chill that requires a parka to tropical rainforest. What time of year is this supposed to be?

I heard someone call, and it sounded like Mike. I looked around to realize that the school had become populated while I'd been sitting there, absentminded.” I’m not verbose, I’m just overly wordy.

“Everyone was in t-shirts, some even in shorts though the temperature couldn't be over sixty.” And yet, two weeks ago, there was a foot of snow on the ground.

“He was so delighted to see me, I couldn't help but feel gratified.” Yeah, I totally believe he’s a huge jerk who’s just trying to get into Bella’s pants. Why is it that SMeyer has to ret-con everyone into worse than Edward?

“His tone was just a bit too proprietary.” Holy Thesaurus Abuse, Batman! Also, why does she go all melty when Edward talks to her like property?

“"Whether Shakespeare's treatment of the female characters is misogynistic."” So she does know that such a thing exists.

“I was far too lost in my own frenzy of anticipation to notice much of what she said.” Bella = Worst. Friend. Ever.

“I shambled along behind Jessica, not bothering to pretend to listen anymore.” If I can’t ogle pretty people, your chatter is worth nothing. I don’t care if this hurts your feelings.

“Angela asked a few quiet questions about the Macbeth paper, which I answered as naturally as I could while spiraling downward in misery.” Um… Edward disappeared from school for an entire week. It’s not like this is unusual behavior, and it’s certainly not healthy that you get so totally fixated on seeing someone who is unfailingly rude and demeaning towards you that your entire emotional equilibrium is thrown.

“In Gym, we had a lecture on the rules of badminton, the next torture they had lined up for me.” Yes, Princess, it’s all about you. Your teachers had a conference and said ‘How can we make Princess Special Snowflake miserable?’. Badminton they decided.

“Never mind that the day after they would arm me with a racket before unleashing me on the rest of the class.” Wow, she’s really not listening. At worst, there will be one other person on the court with her for her to whack with the racket. She makes it sound like she’s going to run amuck, beating everyone with the racket before she’s finally taken down by tranquilizers, rather than she’ll just swing wildly and fall down. That would be far more entertaining, actually.

“I was glad to leave campus, so I would be free to pout and mope before I went out tonight with Jessica and company.” Oh, you’re aware that you’re behaving like a two-year-old?

Establishing her mother as a clinging twit. Although, why couldn’t Bella just communicate with her mother from time to time. This is an extra sore spot with me, as I don’t have a mother to communicate with… and Bella claims her mother is her “best friend”. Then again, considering Bella ignores her “best friends” or thinks snarky thoughts on how ugly they are, I guess it’s par for the course.

Typo, page 71: only to remember after I began three that the hero of the story happened to be named Edward.

“I snapped the book shut, annoyed, and rolled over onto my back.” I have a hard time believing she gets anything out of reading, if she forgets the names of the lead characters of her “favorite” novels. That definitely points to a major lack of reading comprehension. Then again, the fact that she thinks her and Edward’s relationship mirrors Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy’s also speaks to a major lack of reading comprehension…

“I looked around, muddled, with the sudden feeling that I wasn't alone.” Now that I’ve spent hours staring at you napping in your backyard, I’ll be back tonight to continue the watching game.

“And it felt good, despite my depression, to make him happy.” You’re not depressed, you overdramatizing brat.

“I sighed as I gave him the details.” God, there he goes again. Wanting to know about the people I spend time with, as if he were my actual father.

“"I don't know how you survived," I muttered,” I hate being reminded that one of my parents isn’t an overgrown infant.

“I vowed to myself that I would be in a good mood tonight and not ruin Angela's or Jessica's enjoyment in the dress hunting.” Bella makes an effort to be a good friend. That wasn’t so bad, was it?

“I left a note for Charlie on the table, explaining again where to find dinner,” Again, I hate being reminded that one of my parents isn’t totally dependent on me. Having real adults around makes me look as immature as I really am.

Chapter 6: Heap Big Chief WolfMan Provides Pale-Face Squaw With-um Heap Big Backstory. Ug.

“it more than lived up to my non-expectations.” No real comment- that’s a terrible sentence.

“I guessed she'd been hoping to hear something that would make a good story for her to pass on.” You know, Jessica has been characterized as nothing but nice, so I don’t know where Bella gets off assuming she’s this uber-gossipy bitch. Of course, she’s not pretty, so she can’t be a good person.

“And I couldn't stop the gloom that engulfed me as I realized I didn't know how long I would have to wait before I saw him again.” More establishing that this is an unhealthy obsession based only on looks. *sigh* I wish she’d get a new schtick- I’m only getting so much to work with.

“At my usual table, everyone was full of our plans for the next day.” Bad grammar, and contradictory, because you’ve done nothing but whine about how you really don’t want to go, but you’ll suck it up and deal because you have nothing better to do/couldn’t think of an excuse not to hang out with those losers.

“But it was warmer today — almost sixty.” Wow, Stephenie Meyer said she didn’t do any research, and it’s really showing. It’s been three weeks according to the narrative, and it was the middle of winter when this started. Only not, because everything was still lush and verdant, but it was, because there was a huge snow. I’m trying my damndest to figure out when the story starts, and the only thing that would make even a lick of sense is that it begins in April and the snow was late, but everyone seemed to expect it and so it takes place during winter! It’s Fawining! All the seasons but summer, because everyone knows the Pacific Northwest doesn’t have a summer.

“Maybe the outing wouldn't be completely miserable.” Maybe you could try not to be a bionic bitch for a minute.

“I'd never noticed what an unpleasant, nasal voice she had,” Because everyone who doesn’t adore Bella is ugly in some way.

“I wondered if he would approve of my plan to ride to Seattle with Edward Cullen. Not that I was going to tell him.” Good life lesson for the little girls reading this series. Daddy doesn’t need to know about your dangerous boyfriend, it’ll just worry the poor soul. When the guy who makes you feel creeped out and physically forces you into car kills you and dumps your body in the woods, Daddoo will figure it out eventually.

There’s some generic surprise at seeing the sun. I know it’s rainy up there, but it can’t possibly be that rainy.

“hoping I wouldn't get caught in the lie. But also wishing that a miracle would occur, and Edward would appear.” Bad grammar again. You know, I tutor English, and one of my students asked me if reading this book would help her with her development. I told her no- she’s already having trouble, she doesn’t need to learn large words used incorrectly and she doesn’t need any more bad grammar habits. I’m sure once I get my license, I’ll have a bevy of girls who learned their SAT words from ‘Twilight’… and thus learned the wrong way of using them.

“He smiled blissfully. It was so easy to make Mike happy.” And that’s a total turn-off. Who wants a guy who likes me for me and enjoys life?

“I hid my chagrin.” First use of the dreaded word. From the dictionary: –noun 1. a feeling of vexation, marked by disappointment or humiliation.
It is not interchangeable with ‘embarrassment’. Thesaurus raep fail.

“It was still breathtaking.” Last week you were complaining that it wasn’t a proper beach and was stupid and ugly and you didn’t want to go. Either Bella has a split personality, or the most violent case of SAD ever recorded.

Okay, I have to give Stephenie Meyer some props here. She described a picture of the beach more than adequately. She doesn’t give a good sense of being there at all, but you can tell that she’s seen some lovely pictures.

“It reminded me of Edward's request — that I not fall into the ocean.” Everything reminds me of Edward. I’m going to deny myself a pleasure because Edward wouldn’t approve.

“Lauren was the one who made my decision for me.” But because I’m a spineless little coward, instead of confronting the girl who’s being a bitch for no reason, I’m going to skulk off and let her gossip about me in peace.


“I was completely absorbed, except for one small part of my mind that wondered what Edward was doing now, and trying to imagine what he would be saying if he were here with me.” *sigh* I’m sooooo obsessed with him that every time I blow my nose, the tissue reminds me of Edward’s perfect skin.

“I knew exactly what caused the difference, and it disturbed me.” Meta-Bella, I weep for you. You have to share a body with a ridiculously shallow, self-absorbed brat who becomes obsessed with the first pretty face she sees. It must be hard for you.

“However, my positive opinion of his looks was damaged by the first words out of his mouth.” At least she acknowledges that she judges a person as someone she’ll like or dislike based on their looks. Of course, she’s such a brat that she’ll dislike someone for trying to introduce themselves to her- why can’t he tell that she’s Princess Special Snowflake?

“Of course, I'd kicked up enough tantrums to end the fishing trips by the time I was eleven.” You say that like you’re proud of it. I guess being forced to hang out with Indians is icky.

Typo page 58: "I was so relived when Charlie bought it”

“Lauren asked — in what I imagined was an insolent tone — from across the fire.” Insolent? Seriously, insolent?! Does Smeyer even know what that means? I assume not, unless she’s trying to further underline that Bella is Princess Special Snowflake.

“I hoped that young Jacob was as yet inexperienced around girls, so that he wouldn't see through my sure-tobe-pitiful attempts at flirting.” Typo, page 59. Also, good establishing that Bella is going to be the world’s biggest bitch to Jacob and is going to jerk his poor fuzzy heart around just so she can be close to Edward.

Okay, this scene is actually pretty well-written, but Bella is being a truly nasty person, and she doesn’t seem to realize it.

“Jacob strolled to a nearby driftwood tree that had its roots sticking out like the attenuated legs of a huge, pale spider.” Shame on the person who gave Smeyer a thesaurus without a dictionary.

“I asked, not faking my intrigue now.” And again. ‘Intrigue’ is technically correct, but it reads badly.

“If they would promise to stay off our lands, we wouldn't expose them to the pale-faces." And me-um Heap Big Chief-um tribeman. Ug.

“I felt guilty as I said this, knowing that I'd used him. But I really did like Jacob. He was someone I could easily be friends with.” At least she knows that she’s used him. Then again, that seems to a pre-requisite to be friends with her- easily used.

Chapter 5: Unpredictable and Violent Means Sexy

“"Thank you for joining us, Miss Swan," Mr. Mason said in a disparaging tone.” Disparaging just sounds really odd there. It’s like she used the thesaurus on ‘sarcastic’, and just went with the biggest word that came up. Then again, ‘disparaging’ and ‘sarcastic’ don’t really mean the same thing- that’s a sarcastic statement, not a disparaging one.

“But he and Eric both met me at the door as usual, so I figured I wasn't totally unforgiven.” How’s that for not being verbose? ‘I figured they were at least beginning to forgive me’ sounds a lot better.

“That seemed more probable than that I really appealed to him on any level.” I am so totally bowled over by his looks that it doesn’t matter that I’m supposed to be smart. Why would he like a smart girl, when he could have a hot one? Oh wait, there aren’t any pretty girls at this school, which is why the boys made a mad rush on Bella. Because she’s a BYOOTIFUL SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE!!!

“Jessica babbled on and on about her dance plans — Lauren and Angela had asked the other boys and they were all going together — completely unaware of my inattention.” God, why does this girl think I care about her stupid plans? I want to drool over Edward some more! Stop trying to be my friend, it makes this whole misunderstood thing much harder to pull off.

“Disappointment flooded through me as my eyes unerringly focused on his table.” That sentence is terrible, and I can’t believe a reasonably awake editor let it through.

“"Does he mean you ?" Jessica asked with insulting astonishment in her voice.” Yeah, like you’re a princess of a friend. You characterize her excitement over finally going out with the boy she likes as ‘babbling’. Edward has been treating you like garbage, and she warned you on the first day of school that he was a rude snob. I think she’d be astonished if he asked anyone to sit with him.

“It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real.” Who needs a good personality when they’re awesomely hot?

“"I may not give you back, though," he said with a wicked glint in his eyes.” First hint on how he’s disgustingly possessive. And he laughs at her for the sixth time.

“"Yes — giving up trying to be good. I'm just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may." His smile faded as he explained, and a hard edge crept into his voice.” It’s hard for me to be good, so I’m going to do what I want. I’m going to scare you, and I really, really want to eat you. Here’s a question: Twilighters say it’s okay that Edward killed people in the past, because he was confused. How about if Edward was a normal guy with supreme beauty- but instead of killing someone, he raped someone? Follow me on this. He raped a girl and got away with it. He regrets it morally, but he really, really enjoyed doing it. And now he finds a girl who is perfectly his type who would let him get away with it. He is not putting himself out there for true love, he is just a weak-willed, selfish brat.

“He grinned. "Well, we can try, I suppose. But I'm warning you now that I'm not a good friend for you." Behind his smile, the warning was real.” I am going to continue to say one thing and do another. Because that’s totally perfect in relationships. I am tempted to hurt you every moment, and I would like nothing better than to drink your blood. But I’m going to keep hanging around you, because I can’t read your thoughts and sneer at you like I do with everyone else. I need to ask some questions before I can sneer at you.

“"I think you've made your opinion on the subject of my intellect clear, too." My eyes narrowed.” So you know he called you stupid. Why are you still trying to be friends?

“"No," I disagreed quickly, my eyes narrowing, "I can't imagine why that would be frustrating at all — just because someone refuses to tell you what they're thinking, even if all the while they're making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean… now, why would that be frustrating?"
He grimaced.
"Or better," I continued, the pent-up annoyance flowing freely now, "say that person also did a wide range of bizarre things — from saving your life under impossible circumstances one day to treating you like a pariah the next, and he never explained any of that, either, even after he promised. That, also, would be very non-frustrating." META-BELLA!!! Too bad I know you’re going to go away in a moment, because your actual personality melts under Edward’s physical beauty.

“"You've got a bit of a temper, don't you?"” That knocked the smug smile off his face. Of course, weak woman things shouldn’t fight with big strong men. That’s unmaidenly.

Laughs at her for the seventh time when she makes the very reasonable request that he stop treating her like a mound of garbage.

“"Please tell me just one little theory." His eyes still smoldered at me.” Smoldered? When I say move, you MOVE!

“"You're dangerous?" I guessed, my pulse quickening as I intuitively realized the truth of my own words.” And that turns me on!

Their fifth conversation, he is mentioned smiling, laughing, chuckling, grinning, or snickering 16 times. Why was this not caught by the editor? They sort of fought, kind of, since he’s being jerky.

“Mike looked resentful; Angela looked surprised, and slightly awed.” Like OHMIGOD, Edward Cullen talked to you! You’re obviously the most special person in the history of the world!

“He grabbed Mike's hand and jabbed the spike into the tip of Mike's middle finger.” … what kind of school is this? I guess this is SMeyer’s impression of “primitive” small towns, where teachers are allowed to assault students with sharp objects.

“"The Red Cross is having a blood drive in Port Angeles next weekend, so I thought you should all know your blood type." He sounded proud of himself. "Those of you who aren't eighteen yet will need a parent's permission — I have slips at my desk."” Oh, gross, how can he be proud of encouraging students to selflessly save lives!?!

“Suddenly the sidewalk disappeared from beneath me. My eyes flew open in shock. Edward had scooped me up in his arms, as easily as if I weighed ten pounds instead of a hundred and ten.” Drama queen. Also, why would Edward move a girl who is obviously about to puke? He should have let her sit in the fresh air for a few minutes.

“"You look awful," he told me, grinning.” Your discomfort amuses Edward, weak woman thing.

“"So you faint at the sight of blood?" he asked. This seemed to entertain him. […] "And not even your own blood," he continued, enjoying himself.” It really is hilarious that you are such a weak, fragile little flower that needs a big strong man to protect you at all times.

“He muffled a snicker.” Edward should really be required to wear a sign reading ‘I’m a douchebag’.

Also, finally, women in the school! A receptionist and a grandmother who is the nurse. Why aren’t there any women teachers?

“Edward coughed to hide another laugh.” He has now laughed at her seven times in 48 pages.

Page 48, yet another “get” improperly italicized. Did SMeyer just search the word ‘get’ and replace every instance with italics?

“"People can't smell blood," he contradicted.” Okay, Mr. I’ve-Been-To-Med-School-and-Still-Don’t-Know-That-Humans-Can-Smell-Blood -_-

“"Do you need to be excused, too, Edward?" Ms. Cope fluttered. Why couldn't I do that?” Because lonely middle aged women are easily bowled over by a pretty young boy.

“"No, I have Mrs. Goff, she won't mind."” One female teacher in the school… and it’s hinted that she is also bowled over by Edward’s prettiness.

“I couldn't picture him loading up to carpool with the rest of the kids from school; he didn't belong in the same world. But just hoping that he might gave me the first twinge of enthusiasm I'd felt for the outing.” Because his unearthly beauty makes him better than them. And I still don’t see why you are so eager to spend time with someone who you fight with half the time.

“"Let's you and I not push poor Mike any further this week. We don't want him to snap." His eyes danced; he was enjoying the idea more than he should.” I love the idea of you crushing another boy’s heart.

Page 50, ‘I’ is improperly italicized. “I liked it more than I should.” Though maybe that I refers to Meta-Bella, who is attempting to escape again!

“Something caught my jacket, yanking me back.
"Where do you think you're going?" he asked, outraged. He was gripping a fistful of my jacket in one hand.” HOW DARE YOU DO SOMETHING WITHOUT MY EXPRESS PERMISSION!

“"Didn't you hear me promise to take you safely home? Do you think I'm going to let you drive in your condition?" His voice was still indignant.” Do you think you have the right to tell me what to do, boy who isn’t even my friend?

“"What condition? And what about my truck?" I complained.” ‘Complained’ is a very telling word on SMeyer’s part. She thinks Edward is being sweet and Bella is being irrational. Not that Edward is being ridiculously controlling and Bella is rightly reacting to it.

“"I'll have Alice drop it off after school." He was towing me toward his car now, pulling me by my jacket. It was all I could do to keep from falling backward. He'd probably just drag me along anyway if I did.

"Let go!" I insisted. He ignored me. I staggered along sideways across the wet sidewalk until we reached the Volvo. Then he finally freed me — I stumbled against the passenger door.” And how is this not counted as abuse? He treats her like she’s a naughty two-year-old, does not listen to her direct orders concerning herself, and is being physically forceful.

“"You are so pushy !" I grumbled.” Here’s SMeyer showing her true colors again. She thinks that Edward forcing Bella into his car is sweet and that Bella is being the irrational one.

“I was mentally calculating my chances of reaching the truck before he could catch me. I had to admit, they weren't good.

"I'll just drag you back," he threatened, guessing my plan.” Oh. My. God. Bella should be screaming right now, tell her father the minute she gets home, and file a restraining order against him. HE HAS JUST THREATENED HER PHYSICALLY! I don’t care if it’s because he thinks he knows what’s best for her- it’s abuse!

“"I have too much Charlie in me. She's more outgoing than I am, and braver. She's irresponsible and slightly eccentric, and she's a very unpredictable cook. She's my best friend." I stopped.” And I hate my father because he’s kind and responsible. I hate kind, responsible people, they keep me from wangsting.

“"My mom always says I was born thirty-five years old and that I get more middle-aged every year." I laughed, and then sighed. "Well, someone has to be the adult."” This doesn’t make any sense. Bella has shown that she is weak-willed, wishy-washy, rude, self-centered, and easily won over by a pretty face, despite actions. I’d say she’s very much a teenager.

“I was surprised he would remember the name; I'd mentioned it just once, almost two months ago.” According to your own narration, it’s been three weeks.

“The attraction was a mystery to me.” Now, if you could just realize that your attraction to Edward is based solely on his looks…

“"No. Emmett and I are starting the weekend early."” How do they manage to not get kicked out of school?

Six conversations, with some random fighting. Meta-Bella does seem to realize it’s only Edwards looks, and be concerned that his mood changes from laughing to scary in a moment. Canon-Bella is thrilled by this. Another great message for young girls: a man with mercurial moods who scares you is the perfect mate.

Chapter 4: Why Characters Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Read the Book Jacket

“After that, he was in my dreams nearly every night, but always on the periphery, never within reach.” Okay, the symbolism is about as subtle as a boot to the head, but since we’ve read the book jacket we know it’s going to turn out all right. I would argue that Meta-Bella is trying to tell Canon-Bella that Edward is never going to give her emotional intimacy or be her equal, but I don’t think SMeyer is that clever. This establishes their relationship- he is the superior walking ahead of her, and she is the helpless child running behind him, begging for a little bit of his light. It’s actually pretty disturbing and suggests that Bella has an Elektra Complex.

“To my dismay, I found myself the center of attention for the rest of that week.” I could see this being uncomfortable, but after Bella whining about how no one liked her for her, I would think this genuine outpouring of concern would be at least a little touching.

“Mike and Eric were even less friendly toward him than they were to each other, which made me worry that I'd gained another unwelcome fan.” Why are these young men unwelcome? You don’t really know any of them, because you refuse to give them a chance, so for all you know, they’re terrific guys and would be good boyfriends. I understand being shy, but she doesn’t want to give anyone a chance. Also telling is how she refers to these swains as ‘fans’. For all her talking about her low self-esteem, she’s awfully self-important.

“With chagrin, I realized the probable cause — no one else was as aware of Edward as I always was.” The first improper usage of the word ‘chagrin’.

“No one else watched him the way I did. How pitiful.” Yes, Meta-Bella! Realize how your obsession is unhealthy! He did save your life, and it’s nice of you to be grateful, but you know that he’s a jerk. Stay away from him, he’ll only hurt you!

“Edward was never surrounded by crowds of curious bystanders eager for his firsthand account. People avoided him as usual.” Did you ever really ask why people avoid him? Oh wait, you did, were told that he was a rude snob, and decided that the girl you asked was just jealous because he was so hawt.

“And, overnight, the heat of my anger faded into awed gratitude.” WHY!?! Oh, Meta-Bella, where are you? Be grateful that he saved your life- it would make you a total bitch if you weren’t, but can’t you hold onto a little anger for how badly he treats you? Why are you so overawed by his beauty when it holds such an ugly personality?

“Despite my outright lies, the tenor of my e-mails alerted Renée to my depression, and she called a few times, worried.” What’s there to be depressed about? You have three guys vying for your attention. Everyone in Forks High School thinks you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread. Everyone is trying to be your friend. And all you can do is play the Sad Sack because the best-looking guy in school isn’t talking to you. You said yourself in the first chapter that no one ever paid attention to you, so why does it bug you so much that Edward doesn’t?

“"It will be really fun." Her attempt to convince me was halfhearted. I suspected that Jessica enjoyed my inexplicable popularity more than my actual company.” You bitch. Really, I want to smack Bella across the mouth for this. This girl just made sure that you didn’t like the boy she likes before she asked him to the dance. That seems like a really kind thing to do, and the sort of thing a real friend would do. Of course, Jessica is ugly (she has BIG HAIR!) so SMeyer puts a bit in ‘Midnight Sun’ about how Jessica is really the bitch. -_-

“As always, I was electrically aware of Edward sitting close enough to touch, as distant as if he were merely an invention of my imagination.” Yet another mention of this insane obsession.

“I paused for a moment, hating the wave of guilt that swept through me. But I saw, from the corner of my eye, Edward's head tilt reflexively in my direction.” Even when another guy is trying to tell you he really likes you, all you can think about is Edward, even though he’s been acting like you don’t exist for at least a week.

“Did Edward notice how Mike's eyes flickered in his direction?” Oh, please, oh please, Edward, notice that guys are jealous of my mad masturbatory fantasies about you!

“"Yeah, you're right," he mumbled, and turned, dejected, to walk back to his seat. I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers to my temples, trying to push the guilt and sympathy out of my head.” Come on, being human will make me likable.

“There was no question of me looking away. My hands started to shake.” Quoting Robert Pattinson: “Edward was so beautiful I creamed myself”

“I looked down at my book as soon as his eyes released me, trying to find my place.” *ahem* Come again? Released? This is awfully patriarchal language she’s using.

“I couldn't believe the rush of emotion pulsing through me — just because he'd happened to look at me for the first time in a half-dozen weeks.” Wait, what? The timeline is really fuzzy- first he glares at you, then he disappears for… a week? Then there’s the accident the day after that, and it’s been a week since that. So, according to your narration, you’ve been in Forks for three weeks, not six.

“I couldn't allow him to have this level of influence over me. It was pathetic. More than pathetic, it was unhealthy.” Yes, Meta-Bella! You realize that there is nothing healthy about obsession with looks and controlling men.

“His lips twitched, fighting a smile. "No, not really," he admitted.” It’s so cute when you whine like a child. It makes me feel like a man, and really makes me want to turn you over my knee and spank you like the naughty little girl you are.

“"Then what do you want, Edward?" I asked, keeping my eyes closed; it was easier to talk to him coherently that way.” Well, then, you realize that it’s just his looks.

“"It's better if we're not friends," he explained. "Trust me."” First warning to stay away from him, page 36. So far his actions haven’t contradicted this.

“"You don't know anything." He was definitely mad.” I know this is supposed to be an angry retort, but it again establishes Edward as better and smarter than Bella.

Adoraklutz strikes again, page 37.

Third conversation- second fight.

More Adoraklutz, page 37. No one is passing her the ball, so how is she continually falling down?

“I heard a low chuckle.” Third time Edward has laughed at her.

“Edward was in his car already, two spaces down, sliding out smoothly in front of me, cutting me off.” Okay, dude, now you’re just being an asshole. You’re also breaking this ‘Stay away from me’ thing, because there’s really no better way to get a girl engaged in conversation than to be a total asshole. At the very least, she should storm up to you and say ‘What the hell, man?’ Also, in his quest to be an asshole to Bella, he’s cuts off everyone else in the parking lot. What a dick.

“Directly behind me, Tyler Crowley was in his recently acquired used Sentra, waving.” Yet another reminder that the people other than the Cullens are poor.

“He was unquestionably shaking with laughter, as if he'd heard every word Tyler had said.” Fourth time Edward laughs at Bella. Why is it so funny to him that other guys like her? Is it because he already knows she’s too obsessed with him to even look at another guy?

“I was almost afraid to answer it, but it might be Charlie or my mom.” Why does she hate her parents so much? Really.

“But my head was spinning, trying to analyze every word Edward had spoken today.” I would be trying to figure out why he was going out of his way to be a dick.

“He must see how absorbed I was by him; he must not want to lead me on… so we couldn't even be friends… because he wasn't interested in me at all.” Now you know what it feels like, you standoffish bitch. I found it ironic that you referred to Lauren as ‘standoffish’ when you can barely be bothered to speak to people who aren’t Edward.

“Interesting… and brilliant… and mysterious… and perfect… and beautiful… and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand.” He’s an asshole. He’s mean, rude, snobby, and he laughs at you all the time. Sure, he’s physically perfect, BUT HE’S A TOTAL DICKWEED! You know nothing about anyone else in the town, because you don’t care enough to ask, so I’d say everyone else is pretty mysterious. But you only care about Edward, because A) he’s really hot, and B) you’ve read the book jacket and realize that you’re supposed to fall in love with him.

“But he was a cop, even if just a small-town cop,” Could you be more disrespectful and close-minded? Seriously, try.

“I didn't want to ask permission — it set a bad precedent — but I felt rude, so I tacked it on at the end.” A bad precedent? A non-emancipated teenager asking her legal guardian for permission? To make a road trip in the car that that guardian bought for her?

Page 39: "Seattle is a big city — you could get lost," he fretted.” Get is improperly italicized again. Does she not know what italics are for?

“I tried to be crafty as I hid my horror.” Oh, ick, this man who is responsible for half my genetic makeup wants to spend time with me and make sure that I’m safe. HOW AWFUL!

“Only in a town this small would a father know when the high school dances were.” Because men don’t care about their children. That there be women’s work.

“Edward Cullen was right next to me, leaning casually against my truck.” So, you know how I told you yesterday that we should never spend any time together at all?

""That was for Tyler 's sake, not mine. I had to give him his chance." He snickered.” It’s so funny watching you break other guy’s hearts! I get a big kick out of making you uncomfortable… and laughing at you, which I have done five times now.

“"Bella, you are utterly absurd," he said, his low voice cold.” I think this is supposed to be an example of his speech being old-fashioned, but it’s not. Also, why are you so mad that she pointed out that you’re being a major league douchebag?

"I wanted to ask you something, but you sidetracked me," he chuckled. He seemed to have recovered his good humor.” It’s so funny when the weak woman thing tries to do what’s best for her. He has now laughed at her six times.

“"You're doing it again."” Doing what again? You’re acting like a crazy person- ‘We can’t ever be friends’, ‘I’m going to be rude’, ‘I’m going to act hurt that you called me on my dickish behavior’, ‘I’m going to laugh at you again’, ‘I’m going to insult you’, ‘I’m going to be surprised that you’re mad at me’.

“"Myself, obviously." He enunciated every syllable, as if he were talking to someone mentally handicapped.” I’m much smarter than you, weak woman thing.

“"Honestly, Edward." I felt a thrill go through me as I said his name, and I hated it. "I can't keep up with you. I thought you didn't want to be my friend."” Meta-Bella, come on. For God’s sakes, he’s about as jerky as you can get without actually hickory-smoking him. Buy a vibrator or something.

“"I said it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't want to be."” And here he is, really. Saying one thing and doing another. Great trait in a love interest.

Page 41, two typos in two sentences. First, the closing quotation marks are misplaced, and then “so I could more easily look at is face”

“I couldn't speak yet, so I just nodded.” Why are you so bowled over by a pretty face? Girl, I really must say it- learn how to masturbate properly, and all of this burning tension should ease up a bit.

“"You really should stay away from me," he warned. "I'll see you in class."” But rather than be the good guy and control myself, I’m just going to warn you to stay away from me while pushing you to spend time with me.

Four conversations, three fights.

Chapter 3: Meta-Bella Attempts a Daring Escape!

“But that wasn't the worst part. All the rain from yesterday had frozen solid — coating the needles on the trees in fantastic, gorgeous patterns” Not very consistent, are you? It’s horrible and gorgeous. Maybe that’s a bit of clever foreshadowing on SMeyer’s part, but I kind of doubt it.

Adoraklutz, page 27. Isn’t it so relatable that she’s the clumsiest creature on God’s green earth? It makes her just like me, the awkward teenage reader!

“I threw down a quick bowl of cereal and some orange juice from the carton.” That’s a bad sentence. Bad, bad, bad sentence. Tell me that doesn’t conjure the image of Adoraklutz dropping a full bowl of cereal on the floor- a bowl of cereal with orange juice. Orange juice FROM THE CARTON!

“I knew it wasn't the stimulating learning environment I was anticipating, or seeing my new set of friends.” Because people in small towns are dumb. Also, what friends? Are you counting the people you barely tolerate who sit next to you at lunch, while you make googily eyes at the Cullens? And how is it a new set if you’ve never had friends before?

“If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen. And that was very, very stupid.” Yes, Meta-Bella! Yes, you realize how dumb it is to want to see a guy who goes between rude and controlling, who laughs at you, and who throws off ‘I’m a bad dude’ signs like fireworks! You know his only attraction is how hot he is, and you’re aware it’s sick that your masturbation fodder is the only reason you want to go to school!

“I should be avoiding him entirely after my brainless and embarrassing babbling yesterday.” -_- And there goes that happy thought.

“I was well aware that my league and his league were spheres that did not touch.” His league? Good-looking douchebags? You start worrying about how hostile he is, and then melt at his pretty face and decide he’ll never speak to you because you’re such a beast. Healthy!

“Clearly, today was going to be nightmarish.” Well, according to you, what day hasn’t been? Every day gets a descriptor like ‘dreadful’, ‘horrible’, ‘disappointing’… it’s not working anymore. I don’t believe you. Every day can’t be as terrible as you describe, unless you just enjoy wallowing in misery.

“Possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as a damsel in distress.” Meta-Bella again! I kind of like her- she realizes that she’s not in good situations. Of course, SMeyer can’t have that, so immediately Bella goes back to thinking about boys. Mike is all *ew* nice and stuff, and Eric is all *ew* geeky and stuff. So obviously, no one will do but Edward.

“My truck seemed to have no problem with the black ice that covered the roads.” You can’t see or drive on black ice -_- Research won’t kill you, Stephers.

“Something silver caught my eye” Alert is Bella’s middle name!

“I wasn't used to being taken care of, and Charlie's unspoken concern caught me by surprise.” He’s a wonderful guy and an ideal father. Why can’t you ever call him ‘Dad’?

“"That's what I thought." His voice, amazingly, sounded like he was suppressing laughter.” It’s so funny you almost died! I wish I could hit you on the head again, you little scamp!

“There was a flurry of activity around us. I tried to get up, but Edward's cold hand pushed my shoulder down.” Keep lying on the ice until I give you leave to stand up, woman!

“"But it's cold," I complained. It surprised me when he chuckled under his breath. There was an edge to the sound.” Your discomfort amuses Edward. He hasn’t given you permission to stand up, weak woman thing, so don’t.

“He unleashed the full, devastating power of his eyes on me, as if trying to communicate something crucial.” God, who cares that he’s being patronizing and obviously lying to me? He’s sooo hot!

Typo, page 29: “hepleaded”

“"Will you promise to explain everything to me later?"
"Fine," he snapped, abruptly exasperated.” For heaven’s sake, all I did was demand your trust when I haven’t given you even the slightest reason to trust me. How dare you question me?

“To make matters worse, Chief Swan arrived before they could get me safely away.” Why does she treat her father so dismissively? Her attraction to controlling men suggests an Electra complex, but her relationship with her father is characterized by love and attempts at understanding on Charlie’s side, and none on hers.

“Since no one bothered pulling the curtain around to give me some privacy, I decided I wasn't obligated to wear the stupid-looking neck brace anymore.” Who cares about safety? I WANNA LOOK PRETTY!!!

“harassed by Tyler 's constant apologies and promises to make it up to me.” What’s with people in this town and them being nice to me? Can’t they see that I’m better than them?

“I glared at him. It wasn't easy — it would have been more natural to ogle.” I’m so mad that all I can do is masturbate furiously.

“I heard a chuckle, and looked over to see Edward's patronizing smile.” Edward, you’re a douchebag.

“"Someone has to spread the good news that we survived," Edward said smugly.” More douchebaggery. He’s probably also five popped collars cool.
“"Actually," Dr. Cullen corrected, "most of the school seems to be in the waiting room."” Because Bella is such a SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE that a school holiday was declared when she was injured.

“"Take some Tylenol for the pain," he suggested as he steadied me.” Product placement!

“I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.” …. Yes, you totally love him for his personality.

Conversation 2, page 32.

“"There's nothing wrong with me," I assured him sullenly. I was still aggravated, not in the mood for chitchat.
"What did the doctor say?"
"Dr. Cullen saw me, and he said I was fine and I could go home." I sighed. Mike and Jessica and Eric were all there, beginning to converge on us. "Let's go," I urged.” How dare all these people be concerned about me? All I want to do is think about how hot Edward is!

“"Um… you'll need to call Renée." He hung his head, guilty.
I was appalled. "You told Mom!"
"Sorry."
I slammed the cruiser's door a little harder than necessary on my way out.” She only BORE me! How could you tell her that I was in an accident that necessitated a hospital trip and X-rays? You inconsiderate prick, it’s no wonder I hate you so much!

“but her pleas were easier to resist than I would have thought. I was consumed by the mystery Edward presented.” Being obsessed with a guy is a perfect reason to stay in a town.

“And more than a little obsessed by Edward himself. Stupid, stupid, stupid.” Come on, Meta-Bella. Escape! Do the right thing, and confront your idiocy!

“I wasn't as eager to escape Forks as I should be, as any normal, sane person would be.” Very good showing- Bella thinks her opinions are the only sane ones. She is the center of the universe, and everyone should always think exactly like she does.

Chapter 2: A Stupidly Long Breakdown for a Stupidly Long Chapter

“that was nattering” That word… it doesn’t mean what you think it means. And God, Bella, can you be any more of a bitch about “ugly” people? What’s wrong with Eric, besides the fact that he looks like he plays chess? She’s awfully anti-intellectual for someone so “smart”

“It was worse because Edward wasn’t in school”. You shallow, superficial little girl. Why do you want him around? He’s proven himself to be a total dickweed. He’s the OMG HAWTEST GUY IN SKOOL!!!11, but he’s mean. He’s a snob and a jerk, and acts like you’re covered in garbage. So why are you mooning about him? Did you read the book jacket first and realize that you’re supposed to fall in love with him?

Typo- page 16. The terminator isn’t capitalized
Typo- page 16 Golden Retriever is a proper name

So, you don’t want attention, but you do want people to fawn over you? You look down on Mike for being a nice guy and showing you around, while wondering where the guy who was mean to you could possibly be. There’s an empowering message for young girls- ignore the nice guy, the jerk’s better!

“Overly friendly”? She’s already making plans on how to blow off the person trying the hardest to make friends with her. This after complaining that no one was going to like her- she was going to have no friends, she never fit in anywhere, she was in for a lonely time. I can see why she didn’t have any friends in her old school: Bella is self-centered and self-absorbed, besides being rude. She doesn’t want anyone to be friendly and she certainly makes no effort to be friendly, so how exactly was she expecting to make friends?

So far I know how ugly everyone besides Edward is, and how Mike isn’t too ugly, but she still doesn’t want to be around him, but he’s too good-looking for all the other ugly people in this town. She goes on and on about how ugly people are- proving herself to be the ugliest one of all. It’s the Holden Caulfield of shallow teenage girls.

“pleased to find that I had successfully evaded my retriever friend for the moment.” And she says she wants to have friends? Really, this just reinforces what I was saying before: Bella does not want friends.

“So I requested that I be assigned kitchen detail for the duration of my stay. He was willing enough to hand over the keys to the banquet hall.” More unreliable narrator. She’s told us she isn’t “verbose”.

“I gunned my deafening engine to life” She’s going to kill that engine doing that

“It didn’t look as if it had bought them any acceptance here” MAYBE BECAUSE THEY’RE CLIQUISH SNOBS!?!

“I couldn’t imagine any door that wouldn’t be opened by that degree of beauty” and then slammed shut when people realize that the Cullen kids are snobby and mean

“I unloaded all the groceries, stuffing them in wherever I could find an open space.” She said earlier that there was no food in the kitchen. Minor, but consistency, please?

Further establishing her mother as a nitwit- she can’t imagine that her daughter wouldn’t immediately check her e-mail (though it was rather inconsiderate of Bella not to call when she landed safely) and then she can’t remember where her own shirt is. I suppose this is supposed to establish Bella as “mature” and “level-headed”, but it doesn’t make her look more competent when she’s being contrasted with a bubble-brained moron.

Page 18, first mention of Bella actually reading a book. She’s told us she has, but she has yet to show anything that would suggest she has. Then again, she’s hardly spoken to anyone, near as I can figure, which makes me wonder why everyone is still so desperate to be friends.

“Who else, I thought to myself” Why does she act like her father’s an idiot? Can’t this girl have been given one iota of respect for either of her parents?

Her mother being an imaginative cook- "I was surprised, and sad, that he could remember that far back". Not all of us have the attention spans of goldfish, Princess

Minor inconsistency: on page 17 she said she was marinating “a steak”. On page 18, she’s cooking “steaks”. Yeah, it’s nitpicking, but it just seems lazy that no one noticed that.

“A lot of the nurses at the hospital have a hard time concentrating on their work with him around." Um… aren’t there any female doctors? How about male nurses?

“Edward Cullen didn't come back to school.” How does he manage not to get in trouble for truancy? Hell, I got in trouble for truancy after officially transferring to homeschool, so how does he get off just leaving school for weeks at a time? Is it because he’s so goddamned sexy that every woman in the school just winks at his absences? Actually… I don’t think a woman has been mentioned in school, aside from the secretary. There are no female teachers.

“I was invited, and I had agreed to go, more out of politeness than desire” Bella doesn’t want friends: she lied to us right off.

“I did drive to the library Saturday, but it was so poorly stocked that I didn't bother to get a card; I would have to make a date to visit Olympia or Seattle soon and find a good bookstore.” Unless that library had no books at all, then there’s really no excuse not to get a card. In a more self-aware book, this would be good showing. It’s showing us that Bella is pessimistic, unwilling to make an effort, and unwilling to try new things. It shows she is disdainful of “small town hicks” who would be satisfied with a small library, and her longing to go to a big town.

"Ew." Snow. There went my good day.” Bella is awfully closed to new experiences. Maybe that’s why she wants to glue herself as an unchanging corpse to Edward Cullen’s side for eternity- then she would never have to face any sort of change.

"Besides, I thought it was supposed to come down in flakes — you know, each one unique and all that. These just look like the ends of Q-tips." BUT NOT EVERYONE CAN BE A SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE LIKE YOU, BELLA!!!

Typo, page 20: “appatently”
Second typo, page 20: “I waited for them to get their food”. Why is get italicized? Are they supposed to be understanding their food through meaningful conversation?

“Twice Mike asked, with unnecessary concern, how I was feeling.” Yeah, how dare he assume that my sudden change in mood and my announcement that I felt sick means I feel sick? Who does he think he is, my friend or something?

“only they looked more like a scene from a movie than the rest of us.” Get it? Because everyone else is ugly and they're really, really, ridiculously good-looking.

“I raised my head enough to make sure that she did, contemplating violence if she resisted.” Resisted? Who the hell do you think you are, giving orders like that? You aren’t the goddamn Batman, Sweet Cheeks.

“pulled my hood up, secretly pleased.” This is more dopey than anything. If it’s cold enough to snow and that snow to pile up fast enough in one morning to have snowball fights all day, that’s not rain. That’s sleet, and driving is going to be hellish.

“even so, he looked like he'd just finished shooting a commercial for hair gel. His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips.” Again with the description of how insanely beautiful she is. She was scared to death of him 10 minutes ago because he was so mean to her. She was considering skipping class to not have to sit next to this jerk. And here she is describing his beauty. Not shallow at all.

"Oh, I think everyone knows your name. The whole town's been waiting for you to arrive." Say what, now? Even in small towns, that doesn’t happen. I’m surprised SMeyer didn’t say that the town held a parade in her honor.

"But I think Charlie — I mean my dad — must call me Isabella behind my back” Well, not like you have a right to complain about the behind-the-back-name-calling. Also, did she not clarify during her first roll that she prefers ‘Bella’?

“I looked up to see him smiling a crooked smile so beautiful that I could only stare at him like an idiot.” *sigh* So completely based on his wonderful personality!

"Do you mind if I look?" he asked as I began to remove the slide. His hand caught mine, to stop me, as he asked” I see that as being kind of sexist on his part. He’s assuming that she has no idea what she’s looking at- if he thought she was right, he’d just ask if he could look too, not grab at her.

“His fingers were ice-cold, like he'd been holding them in a snowdrift before class” He’s a corpse. He should be room temperature.

“glanced at it cursorily” That last word… couldn’t she have found a better one? Why not say ‘briefly’?

“I would have written it while he looked, but his clear, elegant script intimidated me. I didn't want to spoil the page with my clumsy scrawl.” Early establishment- EDWARD IS BETTER THAN ME!!!
Also, this scene where they finish labeling slides really fast does not show that Bella is good in school or smart. She’s already studied this material. So has Edward. It shows that they don’t have lousy memories, but it doesn’t show that they’re smart.

“a strange ocher, darker than butterscotch, but with the same golden tone.” Those are all different colors. Pick one.

“Or maybe Forks was making me crazy in the literal sense of the word” What have you had to complain about? Everyone in school adores you!

“Mr. Banner looked at me now; his expression was skeptical.” Because girls aren’t good at science. According to SMeyer, this guy wants to jump Bella too.

"Well," he said after a moment, "I guess it's good you two are lab partners." Don’t most teachers like pairing up a weaker student with a stronger one, so they can both learn something?

“"Why did you come here, then?"
No one had asked me that — not straight out like he did, demanding.” Establishing dominance early in the relationship.

"And you don't like him," Edward surmised, his tone still kind.
"And your mother sent you here so that she could travel with him." He said it as an assumption again, not a question.” Edward likes telling, not talking. It’s clear he’s being thrown off by getting even a detail wrong.

"You put on a good show," he said slowly. "But I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see.” Suffering? What does this coddled brat know about suffering?

"I didn't think so," he murmured smugly.” I’m in charge here, after all.

"Am I annoying you?" he asked. He sounded amused.” Yeah, it’s funny to make all kinds of assumptions about a girl you’ve never spoken to and annoy her.

“But my thoughts were unmanageable.” What?

“Mike skipped quickly to my side and picked up my books for me. I imagined him with a wagging tail.” How dare he be nice? He’s not GORGEOUS!

“stung by his assumption.” So, it’s okay for Edward to think that you can’t do the work, but not for Mike?

“I stared straight ahead as I passed the Volvo, but from a peripheral peek, I would swear I saw him laughing.” Watching you nearly kill other students with your clumsiness is funny!

In chapter 2, Edward and Bella have one conversation. I'm keeping a tally.