Friday, January 30, 2009

Chapter 3: Meta-Bella Attempts a Daring Escape!

“But that wasn't the worst part. All the rain from yesterday had frozen solid — coating the needles on the trees in fantastic, gorgeous patterns” Not very consistent, are you? It’s horrible and gorgeous. Maybe that’s a bit of clever foreshadowing on SMeyer’s part, but I kind of doubt it.

Adoraklutz, page 27. Isn’t it so relatable that she’s the clumsiest creature on God’s green earth? It makes her just like me, the awkward teenage reader!

“I threw down a quick bowl of cereal and some orange juice from the carton.” That’s a bad sentence. Bad, bad, bad sentence. Tell me that doesn’t conjure the image of Adoraklutz dropping a full bowl of cereal on the floor- a bowl of cereal with orange juice. Orange juice FROM THE CARTON!

“I knew it wasn't the stimulating learning environment I was anticipating, or seeing my new set of friends.” Because people in small towns are dumb. Also, what friends? Are you counting the people you barely tolerate who sit next to you at lunch, while you make googily eyes at the Cullens? And how is it a new set if you’ve never had friends before?

“If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen. And that was very, very stupid.” Yes, Meta-Bella! Yes, you realize how dumb it is to want to see a guy who goes between rude and controlling, who laughs at you, and who throws off ‘I’m a bad dude’ signs like fireworks! You know his only attraction is how hot he is, and you’re aware it’s sick that your masturbation fodder is the only reason you want to go to school!

“I should be avoiding him entirely after my brainless and embarrassing babbling yesterday.” -_- And there goes that happy thought.

“I was well aware that my league and his league were spheres that did not touch.” His league? Good-looking douchebags? You start worrying about how hostile he is, and then melt at his pretty face and decide he’ll never speak to you because you’re such a beast. Healthy!

“Clearly, today was going to be nightmarish.” Well, according to you, what day hasn’t been? Every day gets a descriptor like ‘dreadful’, ‘horrible’, ‘disappointing’… it’s not working anymore. I don’t believe you. Every day can’t be as terrible as you describe, unless you just enjoy wallowing in misery.

“Possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as a damsel in distress.” Meta-Bella again! I kind of like her- she realizes that she’s not in good situations. Of course, SMeyer can’t have that, so immediately Bella goes back to thinking about boys. Mike is all *ew* nice and stuff, and Eric is all *ew* geeky and stuff. So obviously, no one will do but Edward.

“My truck seemed to have no problem with the black ice that covered the roads.” You can’t see or drive on black ice -_- Research won’t kill you, Stephers.

“Something silver caught my eye” Alert is Bella’s middle name!

“I wasn't used to being taken care of, and Charlie's unspoken concern caught me by surprise.” He’s a wonderful guy and an ideal father. Why can’t you ever call him ‘Dad’?

“"That's what I thought." His voice, amazingly, sounded like he was suppressing laughter.” It’s so funny you almost died! I wish I could hit you on the head again, you little scamp!

“There was a flurry of activity around us. I tried to get up, but Edward's cold hand pushed my shoulder down.” Keep lying on the ice until I give you leave to stand up, woman!

“"But it's cold," I complained. It surprised me when he chuckled under his breath. There was an edge to the sound.” Your discomfort amuses Edward. He hasn’t given you permission to stand up, weak woman thing, so don’t.

“He unleashed the full, devastating power of his eyes on me, as if trying to communicate something crucial.” God, who cares that he’s being patronizing and obviously lying to me? He’s sooo hot!

Typo, page 29: “hepleaded”

“"Will you promise to explain everything to me later?"
"Fine," he snapped, abruptly exasperated.” For heaven’s sake, all I did was demand your trust when I haven’t given you even the slightest reason to trust me. How dare you question me?

“To make matters worse, Chief Swan arrived before they could get me safely away.” Why does she treat her father so dismissively? Her attraction to controlling men suggests an Electra complex, but her relationship with her father is characterized by love and attempts at understanding on Charlie’s side, and none on hers.

“Since no one bothered pulling the curtain around to give me some privacy, I decided I wasn't obligated to wear the stupid-looking neck brace anymore.” Who cares about safety? I WANNA LOOK PRETTY!!!

“harassed by Tyler 's constant apologies and promises to make it up to me.” What’s with people in this town and them being nice to me? Can’t they see that I’m better than them?

“I glared at him. It wasn't easy — it would have been more natural to ogle.” I’m so mad that all I can do is masturbate furiously.

“I heard a chuckle, and looked over to see Edward's patronizing smile.” Edward, you’re a douchebag.

“"Someone has to spread the good news that we survived," Edward said smugly.” More douchebaggery. He’s probably also five popped collars cool.
“"Actually," Dr. Cullen corrected, "most of the school seems to be in the waiting room."” Because Bella is such a SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE that a school holiday was declared when she was injured.

“"Take some Tylenol for the pain," he suggested as he steadied me.” Product placement!

“I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.” …. Yes, you totally love him for his personality.

Conversation 2, page 32.

“"There's nothing wrong with me," I assured him sullenly. I was still aggravated, not in the mood for chitchat.
"What did the doctor say?"
"Dr. Cullen saw me, and he said I was fine and I could go home." I sighed. Mike and Jessica and Eric were all there, beginning to converge on us. "Let's go," I urged.” How dare all these people be concerned about me? All I want to do is think about how hot Edward is!

“"Um… you'll need to call Renée." He hung his head, guilty.
I was appalled. "You told Mom!"
I slammed the cruiser's door a little harder than necessary on my way out.” She only BORE me! How could you tell her that I was in an accident that necessitated a hospital trip and X-rays? You inconsiderate prick, it’s no wonder I hate you so much!

“but her pleas were easier to resist than I would have thought. I was consumed by the mystery Edward presented.” Being obsessed with a guy is a perfect reason to stay in a town.

“And more than a little obsessed by Edward himself. Stupid, stupid, stupid.” Come on, Meta-Bella. Escape! Do the right thing, and confront your idiocy!

“I wasn't as eager to escape Forks as I should be, as any normal, sane person would be.” Very good showing- Bella thinks her opinions are the only sane ones. She is the center of the universe, and everyone should always think exactly like she does.

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