Prologue:
“I stared without breathing across the long room” The “without breathing” should be a clause beginning the sentence.
“Surely it was a good way to die, in the place of someone else, someone I loved.” This could be a good lead-in, except it’s only based on her stupidity. She doesn’t die in place of anyone, nor does she even remotely have to. She just kind of randomly decides that she can handle an immortal killing machine and goes skipping tra-la off to meet him, saving no one and accomplishing nothing but putting herself in huge amounts of danger.
“When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.” Which kind of establishes that Bella only defines life by her romantic relationships and is nothing without a man…
The writing is heavy handed, but doesn’t really give an inkling to the true horror that lurks. The problem with it is it attempts to do the epic introduction at the height of action, but kind of fails. We know from reading the book jacket that it’s about a chick who falls in love with a vampire… and we know from the prologue that it isn’t Edward who attempts to kill her, which is what everyone was wondering. The fact that someone else tries to kill the vampire loving girl defeats the tension of the entire premise.
Chapter 1:
“I was wearing my favorite shirt — sleeveless, white eyelet lace; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry-on item was a parka.” This just doesn’t flow very well.
“It rains on this inconsequential town more than any other place in the United States of America.” No, it doesn’t, and also, first establishing that Bella is a stuck-up little snob. Phoenix = good, Forks = bad.
“It was from this town and its gloomy, omnipresent shade that my mother escaped with me when I was only a few months old.” Escaped? Seriously, she makes it sound like Forks is the Warsaw Ghetto.
“It was in this town that I'd been compelled to spend a month every summer until I was fourteen. That was the year I finally put my foot down; these past three summers, my dad, Charlie, vacationed with me in California for two weeks instead.” I think this is supposed to make us sympathize with and like Bella. Instead it makes me want to smack a bitch. She only sees her father two weeks a year, and she has the gall to insist that they can’t see each other in his home town?
“It was to Forks that I now exiled myself— an action that I took with great horror.” And here it is established that Bella is a verbose little nit whose every minor emotion is a cataclysm. But this is still supposed to be making her likable.
“"Bella," my mom said to me — the last of a thousand times — before I got on the plane. "You don't have to do this."” Stephenie Meyer should be fined for over and improperly using dashes. And no, she really doesn’t have to do this, but how could she play the martyr if she didn’t? I also love how all this nastiness about the town correlates to nastiness about Bella’s father.
“My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines.” And what do you look like? Explain, book, EXPLAIN!
“I felt a spasm of panic as I stared at her wide, childlike eyes.” And sexism rears its ugly head on page 4. Renee wouldn’t be a sexist caricature if she was the only female to be childish and silly, but she’s not. Edward always treats Bella like a child, Alice is described in terms of dancing and chirping and playing, while the men get more dignified movements.
“How could I leave my loving, erratic, harebrained mother to fend for herself ?” How did she manage before you were born? How did she not accidentally bake you into a pie when you were a toddler?
“Of course she had Phil now, so the bills would probably get paid, there would be food in the refrigerator, gas in her car, and someone to call when she got lost, but still…” First instance of a man being the wise, load-bearing one, while the woman is flighty and silly.
“But I could see the sacrifice in her eyes behind the promise.” What sacrifice? From the terms you’ve described her in, I could imagine your mother forgetting you exist the moment you’re out of her sight.
“Flying doesn't bother me; the hour in the car with Charlie, though, I was a little worried about.” Well, we know nothing about her father, except she apparently hates him for his choice of living location. Maybe he’s a really nasty person who yells a lot, or something else horrible… except that we find out pretty quick that he’s a really decent kind of guy who’s stuck with a doltish daughter.
“Charlie had really been fairly nice about the whole thing.” She now goes on to describe him being extremely nice, but it’s still not good enough for Princess here.
“He seemed genuinely pleased that I was coming to live with him for the first time with any degree of permanence.” Bad phrasing there. Just wanted to point it out.
“Neither of us was what anyone would call verbose” Oh, Bella, you lying bitch. If the only thing I said all day was ‘The rancorous breath of Boreas is markedly gelid this forenoon’, I would not be talkative, but I would be verbose. Talkative and verbose do not mean the same thing.
“and I didn't know what there was to say regardless.” Maybe you could try showing some interest and trying to have a conversation?
“I knew he was more than a little confused by my decision — like my mother before me, I hadn't made a secret of my distaste for Forks.” Considering that you threw a tantrum at age 14 and refused to ever set foot in the city again, I think ‘distaste’ is a rather mild word.
“I'd already said my goodbyes to the sun.” Oh, woe. Overdramatizing brat.
“This I was expecting, too.” ?
“My primary motivation behind buying a car, despite the scarcity of my funds, was that I refused to be driven around town in a car with red and blue lights on top.” Bella refuses to do a lot of things…
“I wasn't allowed to call him Charlie to his face.” And here begins the cycle of her treating Charlie like dirt for no apparent reason. He’s shown as nothing but a kind, considerate, and loving father, and she acts like he keeps her chained up in the basement.
“Most of my Arizona clothes were too permeable for Washington.” I wonder if she’s referring to her Hazmat suit or her deep-sea diving equipment. I think the word she’s going for is ‘light’ or ‘thin’.
“"What kind of car?" I was suspicious of the way he said "good car for you" as opposed to just "good car."” And here she is being an ungrateful little bitch for the first time!
“"Do you remember Billy Black down at La Push?" La Push is the tiny Indian reservation on the coast.” Terrible authorial intrusion there. If someone cared, they could look it up, or they could wait for it to be explained later.
“That would explain why I didn't remember him. I do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from my memory.” Because hanging out with Indians is so icky. Almost like getting raped or being stuck in a trench being mortared. How can people not want to smack some manners into Bella?
“"He's in a wheelchair now," Charlie continued when I didn't respond, "so he can't drive anymore, and he offered to sell me his truck cheap."
"What year is it?" I could see from his change of expression that this was the question
he was hoping I wouldn't ask.” Actually, if it were me, I’d be stunned that my own flesh and blood, upon being told that an old family friend was in a wheelchair, only cared about the car. Bella completely lacks even a semblance of human compassion – even if I didn’t know the family friend well or even if I didn’t particularly like them, someone being confined to a wheelchair is a sad thing that deserves at least a question.
“"Well, Billy's done a lot of work on the engine — it's only a few years old, really."
I hoped he didn't think so little of me as to believe I would give up that easily. "When did he buy it?"
"He bought it in 1984, I think."
"Did he buy it new?"” She’s just been told that an old family friend will never walk again and that she’s gotten a free car. And all she can harp on is how old the car is. Seriously, we’re supposed to like her and identify with her?
“"Ch — Dad, I don't really know anything about cars. I wouldn't be able to fix it if anything went wrong, and I couldn't afford a mechanic…"” It’s true she doesn’t know anything about cars, or she would know that a late 50’s – early 60’s pickup truck is way easier to repair than just about anything made since.
“The thing, I thought to myself… it had possibilities — as a nickname, at the very least.” Bella has done nothing but complain from page 2 onward. Since the prologue is supposed to establish her as self-sacrificing and noble, how are we supposed to trust anything the book tells us?
“"Well, honey, I kind of already bought it for you. As a homecoming gift." Charlie peeked sideways at me with a hopeful expression.
Wow. Free.” I can hear your enthusiasm, you ungrateful snot-nosed punk.
“No need to add that my being happy in Forks is an impossibility.” And random switch in tenses!
“He didn't need to suffer along with me.” Maybe, just as a suggestion, you could try not to be so down on everything. Seriously, I get pessimism, but Bella isn’t a “glass half-empty” gal. She’s a “the glass is half-empty with toxic waste that is rapidly draining into the abyss of the 9th circle of hell” gal.
Page 6: Conversation is capitalized randomly. Also, why has she still not asked about the poor guy in the wheelchair?
“Even the air filtered down greenly through the leaves.” I think you mean the sun. Air is only visible in certain large cities.
“It was too green — an alien planet.” No comment, just more complaining.
“To my intense surprise, I loved it.” First thing you haven’t complained about in this book.
“Now my horrific day tomorrow would be just that much less dreadful.” …. BAWW SOME MORE!
“I wouldn't be faced with the choice of either walking two miles in the rain to school or accepting a ride in the Chief's cruiser.” Because, gah, can’t let people know who my father is! Ew!
“There was only one small bathroom at the top of the stairs, which I would have to share with Charlie. I was trying not to dwell too much on that fact.” Jesus Christ, could you cool it with the Charlie being a freaky child abuser!
“not to have to smile and look pleased; a relief to stare dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape.” So you can see how Bella easily won the title of Forks High School Miss Congeniality.
“I would save that for bedtime, when I would have to think about the coming morning.” Not because she thinks the other kids are going to be mean to her, but because there aren’t enough other kids. Wow.
“I would be the new girl from the big city, a curiosity, a freak.” I could understand worrying about that, but when the old kids practically throw a parade in her honor, all she can do is whine about that.
“But physically, I'd never fit in anywhere.” You’d fit in just fine at any Hot Topic in the world.
“Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine. I had always been slender, but soft somehow,” This is supposed to establish that she feels awkward and ugly, but why then does she use terms of glowing beauty? Someone who thought their white skin was ugly would call it ‘fish belly white’, ‘dead white’, or ‘pasty’. If she thought she was too thin, she’d say ‘stick-like’ or ‘scrawny’. Instead of soft, she’d say ‘flabby’ or ‘weak’. No one who thinks they’re ugly describes themselves like this.
“Maybe it was the light, but already I looked sallower, unhealthy.” Maybe it comes from being such a sad sack.
“And if I couldn't find a niche in a school with three thousand people, what were my chances here?” Except she’s lying, because when everyone tries to be friendly, she immediately shuts them down, or just thinks nasty thoughts about them.
“Even my mother, who I was closer to than anyone else on the planet, was never in harmony with me, never on exactly the same page.” Okay, that would be good telling in a more self-aware book. Bella is the center of the universe: she is a grade A speshul snowflake, and she thinks everyone needs to conform to her.
“You could never see the sky here; it was like a cage.” Bella has the worst case of SAD ever recorded.
“I thanked him, knowing his hope was wasted.” Except it isn’t, but you still pretend it is.
“then one of the three of us in the hospital after I was born, taken by a helpful nurse, followed by the procession of my school pictures up to last year's. Those were embarrassing to look at — I would have to see what I could do to get Charlie to put them somewhere else, at least while I was living here.” HOW CAN MY OWN FATHER DISPLAY PICTURES OF ME!? Oh the humanity!
“It was impossible, being in this house, not to realize that Charlie had never gotten over my mom.” Well, maybe you should try talking to him about it. Except you don’t, and he’s stuck loving the two most inconsiderate women on the planet.
“I donned my jacket — which had the feel of a biohazard suit — and headed out into the rain.” Blah-de-blah, Bella is a brat. Lather, rinse, repeat.
“The engine started quickly, to my relief, but loudly, roaring to life and then idling at top volume.” Quick question. If Bella isn’t coordinated enough to walk down a hallway, how is she coordinated enough to drive stick?
“Inside, it was brightly lit, and warmer than I'd hoped.” Yes, because it’s cold and rainy outside in Forks, the people keep the inside lights dim and the A/C on all year.
“Plants grew everywhere in large plastic pots, as if there wasn't enough greenery outside.” Maybe these people have learned to live in harmony with nature, rather than hating it for existing.
“"I'm Isabella Swan," I informed her, and saw the immediate awareness light her eyes.” Someone was using a thesaurus without bothering to use a dictionary.
“I was expected, a topic of gossip no doubt.” Or it could be because your father registered you at school already. Just a wild guess.
Typo, page 8: “She brought several sheets to the counter to show [b]roe[/b].”
“No one was going to bite me.” Har.
“My plain black jacket didn't stand out, I noticed with relief.” Why would it? Were you expecting the other kids to show up in neon?
“At least my skin wouldn't be a standout here.” Since you’ve been complaining since page one that the sun never shines in Forks, were you really expecting this to be a problem?
“He gawked at me when he saw my name” Meyer’s opinion of small town people is showing.
“It was fairly basic: Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner. I'd already read everything.” Except this is never really mentioned again. She never thinks about anything she’s ever read, unless she can twist it to be about Edward. This also shows that SMeyer thinks already having done the work makes a person seem smarter. Hint: it doesn’t.
“He looked like the overly helpful, chess club type.” Ew! How dare he be nice to me! He’s all ugly and stuff!
“"I'm headed toward building four, I could show you the way…"Definitely over-helpful.” Wait, a page ago you were worried about having to wander around with your nose stuck in the map. So someone being nice is automatically a burden.
“"You don't look very tan."
"My mother is part albino."” This is supposed to be her making a joke, but instead it comes off as rude and snippy for no reason.
“He studied my face apprehensively, and I sighed. It looked like clouds and a sense of
humor didn't mix.” Maybe because that wasn’t funny.
“My Trigonometry teacher, Mr. Varner, who I would have hated anyway just because of the subject he taught, was the only one who made me stand in front of the class and introduce myself. I stammered, blushed, and tripped over my own boots on the way to my seat.” Because girls don’t like math!
“I tried to be diplomatic, but mostly I just lied a lot.” And she was so worried that she would have no friends. All day people try to make friends with her, but she just dismisses them.
“I couldn't remember her name, so I smiled and nodded as she prattled about teachers and classes.” And here’s Jessica of the Big Hair, trying to be nice, while Bella completely ignores her. Why can’t she tell that Bella is just better than she is?
“I forgot all their names as soon as she spoke them.” But she doesn’t care enough to try to remember them. Why would she? After all, she was lying through her teeth when she said she wanted friends and acceptance.
“The boy from English, Eric, waved at me from across the room.” Is anyone else bothered that only the boy gets a name?
“They weren't talking, and they weren't eating, though they each had a tray of untouched food in front of them.” Why do they bother buying and wasting food? It’s not a very good façade, that every day they buy lunch and then don’t touch it. It would actually make them stand out less if they just didn’t buy any food. Let everyone assume this rich snobs thought they were too good for pleb fare. Also, they just look even more suspicious by sitting around looking as sullen and rebellious and James Dean-like as possible.
“Every one of them was chalky pale, the palest of all the students living in this sunless town. Paler than me, the albino. They all had very dark eyes despite the range in hair tones. They also had dark shadows under those eyes — purplish, bruiselike shadows. As if they were all suffering from a sleepless night, or almost done recovering from a broken nose.” Now that’s attractive. They might as well be wearing signs that proclaim ‘Hi, we’re vampires!’
“They were faces you never expected to see except perhaps on the airbrushed pages of a fashion magazine. Or painted by an old master as the face of an angel.” Because the two look so similar. Also, good establishing that Bella cares nothing about friendliness, conversation, camaraderie, or kindness. She cares about beauty.
“she dumped her tray” WHY!? Why, with people starving all over the world, do the Cullens waste food?
“My eyes darted back to the others, who sat unchanging.” Is this supposed to make them look normal and not suspicious? They’re glaring in every direction, not moving and not communicating, then one dances away, and they all continue glaring in random directions, not moving.
“In that brief flash of a glance, his face held nothing of interest — it was as if she had called his name, and he'd looked up in involuntary response, already having decided not to answer.” Meet Edward: snobby douchebag.
“Her voice held all the shock and condemnation of the small town, I thought critically. But, if I was being honest, I had to admit that even in Phoenix, it would cause gossip.” Finally, she admits that this is something that’s a bit weird, not just that Forks does everything wrong.
“With the glances she was throwing at their adopted children, I would presume the reason was jealousy.” Or maybe it’s because they’re a bunch of creepy snobs.
“"I think that Mrs. Cullen can't have any kids, though," she added, as if that lessened their kindness.” Or maybe she’s explaining why there are five adopted teenagers.
“Pity because, as beautiful as they were, they were outsiders, clearly not accepted.” Maybe because they’re jerks.
“he was still staring at me, but not gawking like the other students had today” It’s okay for him to stare, because he’s gorgeous, and no one else is.
“"That's Edward. He's gorgeous, of course, but don't waste your time. He doesn't date.
Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him." She sniffed, a clear case of sour grapes. I wondered when he'd turned her down.” Obviously nothing to do with them being rude snobs.
“She was shy, too.” Except Bella is not shy. She’s whiny, self-aggrandizing, and has a martyr complex, but she’s never shy.
“Was this his normal behavior? I questioned my judgment on Jessica's bitterness at lunch today. Maybe she was not as resentful as I'd thought.” Finally, a rational reaction not based off of stereotypes and snark.
Typo page 13: “He was glaring down at me again, his black eyes full of revulsion. As I flinched away from him, shrinking against my chair, the phra[b] seif [/b]looks could kill suddenly ran through my mind.” Except she inexplicably finds this a turn on. He terrifies her at their first meeting, and that makes her fall head over heels in love with him Healthy!
“"That's my next class, too." He seemed thrilled, though it wasn't that big of a coincidence in a school this small.” But instead of talking with the nice boy, she instead thinks of him dismissively and fixates on why didn’t Edward like her? She told us that at her old school, nobody liked her, so why does she find it so weird that Edward doesn’t?
“Forks was literally my personal hell on Earth.” http://www.xkcd.com/725/
“He was arguing with her in a low, attractive voice.” -_-
“his face was absurdly handsome” You’ve just found out that he’s a nasty jerk who hates you for no reason. Why are you still focusing on how good he looks!?
Showing posts with label Princess Special Snowflake. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Princess Special Snowflake. Show all posts
Friday, April 16, 2010
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Chapter 10: Violent Mood Swings and Stalking Mean ‘I Love You’ in Vampire
“It was very hard, in the morning, to argue with the part of me that was sure last night was a dream.” Wow… and people praise SMeyer for her amazing turn of phrase…
“Logic wasn't on my side, or common sense.” You got that right, sister.
“The mist was ice cold where it clung to the exposed skin on my face and neck.” And we continue with the extremely foggy timeline. It’s winter but it’s also spring, but wait! It’s winter again!
“It was such a thick fog that I was a few feet down the driveway before I realized there was a car in it: a silver car.” Because almost causing an accident and scaring the shit out of a girl is fun!
“I didn't see where he came from, but suddenly he was there, pulling the door open for me.” Him opening the door for you suggests that you were expecting him, not that he popped out of the mist like the Phantom of the Opera and told you to get out of your car.
“He was really giving me a choice — I was free to refuse, and part of him hoped for that.” No need to sound so surprised.
“It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body.” -_-
“I pulled the jacket onto my lap, pushing my arms through the too-long sleeves, curious to see if the scent could possibly be as good as I remembered. It was better.” But what does it smell like? We don’t really get good descriptions of anything except for clothes. His smell is “heavenly”, but what does it smell like? I still maintain that he smells like iodine (treating all the split bruises) and roses (I’m so sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to).
“"Aren't you?" he contradicted in a voice so low I wasn't sure if he meant for me to hear.” Because women are weak and delicate things that need to be driven everywhere (women can’t drive) and need men to provide them with jackets, lest they catch la grippe. This is one of those things that makes the fangirls melt, but is actually very creepy. It’s sweet for a guy to give a girl his jacket because he notices she’s cold, but quite another for a guy to bring a girl a jacket and tell her to wear it because he thinks she should be cold. Remember all those times your mother felt a chill and told you to go put on a sweater? Same concept.
“We drove through the fog-shrouded streets, always too fast, feeling awkward.” Edward still doesn’t care that his too-fast driving scares her. He knows best, after all.
“"No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly — it's unnatural. It makes me wonder what you're really thinking."” That’s because Bella has no higher thought processes. All she can think about is how gorgeous Edward is and whether his penis is as cold as the rest of him. Bella is incurious, and therefore, stupid. She’s curious enough to try to find out what Edward is, but she has no curiosity as to what that entails.
“"You don't want to hear it," I mumbled, almost whispered. As soon as the words were out, I regretted them. The pain in my voice was very faint; I could only hope he hadn't noticed it.” What pain? The only thoughts you don’t tell him are the ones where you want to ride that sparkly ass like Seabiscuit.
“He didn't respond, and I wondered if I had ruined the mood.” Because it’s always your fault.
“"Like I said, it's ostentatious. We try to blend in."” No, you don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t be driving your big shiny car, you would be wearing normal clothes, and you would talk to people.
“My heart spluttered hyperactively.” Are you sure it didn’t splutter softly or delicately or slowly?
“Three people walking in the door stopped to stare at me.” Has SMeyer ever actually been to a small town? High schools have a lot of gossip, yeah, but Bella and her doings being the be-all, end-all of Forks High social life makes no sense.
“agonized over whether Edward would really be listening to what I said through the medium of Jess's thoughts. How very inconvenient his little talent could be” The fact that he does not respect anyone’s privacy makes him such a naughty scamp!
“I reluctantly went to sit by her, trying to convince myself it would be better to get it over with as soon as possible.” Gawd, I hate it when people try to talk to me and stuff and actually show interest in my life.
Typo, page 97: "He offered to drive me to
“"I do have some trouble with incoherency when I'm around him," I admitted.” I doubt that’s what she was talking about when she said he was intimidating and scary.
“"Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous." Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did.” You hypocritical bitch. Name one thing about Edward that is good besides his looks.
“She didn't get a chance to start on the subject again during class, and as soon as the bell rang, I took evasive action.” Poor poor Bella. People trying to be her friend and such.
“But outside the door to our Spanish class, leaning against the wall — looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to — Edward was waiting for me.” Bad sentence structure! BAD! No cookie!
“His voice was amused and irritated at the same time. He had been listening, it was obvious.” I really couldn’t care less that he eavesdrops on me and pries into my friend’s minds. It’s pretty sexy how he always has to keep tabs on me.
“He stepped up to the counter and filled a tray with food.
"What are you doing?" I objected. "You're not getting all that for me?"” Good God, he’s even in control of what she eats.
“"I did once… on a dare," I admitted. "It wasn't so bad."
He laughed. "I suppose I'm not surprised."” Because you have about as much spine as a jellyfish and will do anything any other person tells you.
Typo page 99: "I'm not surprised you heard something you didn't like. You know what they say about eavesdropners," I reminded him.” Though good point.
“"You did," he agreed, but his voice was still rough. "You aren't precisely right, though. I do want to know what you're thinking — everything. I just wish… that you wouldn't be thinking some things."” I hate it when you think things I don’t want you to think!
“"Yes, you are going to answer, or yes, you really think that?" He was irritated again.” I’m so annoyed that my hot and cold running manipulations have not convinced you totally of my undying love!
“As I searched for the words, I could see him getting impatient; frustrated by my silence, he started to scowl.” The fact that it angers me when you take a whole minute to answer my questions obviously proves that I love you more!
“That was the best I could sum up the sensation of anguish that his words triggered in me at times.” Oh God. Read some Emily Dickinson, you overdramatizing nitwit.
“I'll admit you're dead-on about the bad things," he chuckled blackly, "but you didn't hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day."” PRINCESS SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE ALERT!
“"I don't believe it…" I mumbled to myself.
"Trust me just this once — you are the opposite of ordinary."” Considering that her description of how plain she is was given in terms of glowing beauty…
“I care the most, because if I can do it" —" I wasn’t aware that love was a competition.
“— "if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."” Suicide is romantic!
“I glared. "And you don't think I would do the same?"” Really, really romantic! We’ve talked a grand total of seven times, and already we would kill ourselves for the other.
“Abruptly, his unpredictable mood shifted again; a mischievous, devastating smile rearranged his features. "Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant presence."” Oh, that’s not creepy at all.
“That idea would definitely get me in trouble.” Trouble? He’s not your father.
Typo page 101: "Do you really need to go to
“"Oh, he would have found a chance to ask you without me — I just really wanted to watch your face," he chuckled,” Every single time Edward is mentioned laughing, he’s laughing [i]at[/i] someone.
“"That wouldn't be a problem." He was very confident. "It's all in the leading." He could see that I was about to protest, and he cut me off.” O_O There should be a siren going off in her head right about now.
“"Can I drive?"
He frowned. "Why?"” Why would weak woman thing want to drive? Cars are for big manly men to drive.
“"With Charlie, less is always more." I was definite about that.” Why? He’s been an ideal father. Or do you just want to make sure he has to take a long time to search for your body?
“Again, he was leaving the choice up to me.” No, he’s not. This is something called ‘the illusion of choice’. He gave you no choice about
“"I know," he sighed, brooding. "You should tell Charlie, though."
"Why in the world would I do that?"
His eyes were suddenly fierce. "To give me some small incentive to bring you back."
I gulped. But, after a moment of thought, I was sure. "I think I'll take my chances."
He exhaled angrily, and looked away.” Date rape/death threats are so sexy!
Typo page 102: “I looked away swiftly, back to him, and
“He raised an eyebrow and the corners of his mouth turned down in disapproval.” How dare you ask me questions!?
“"we have to be careful not to impact the environment with injudicious hunting. We try to focus on areas with an overpopulation of predators — ranging as far away as we need.” SMeyer’s research fail yet again.
“"Oh, we have weapons." He flashed his bright teeth in a brief, threatening smile.” I just like to remind you that I want to eat you like a cheeseburger.
“The thick bands of muscle that wrapped his arms and torso were somehow even more menacing now.” Oh, now you get it.
“"Absolutely not!" His face turned even whiter than usual, and his eyes were suddenly furious. I leaned back, stunned and — though I'd never admit it to him — frightened by his reaction.” There’s that sexy violent temper again!
“"Too scary for me?" I asked when I could control my voice again.
"If that were it, I would take you out tonight," he said, his voice cutting.” I know what’s best for you, and scaring is what’s best for you!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Chapter 7: Perhaps the only appropriately named chapter
I’d make a comment on why can’t Bella enjoy a basketball game, but Adoraklutz totally hates all sports for a reason beyond that sports aren’t “feminine”.
“desperate now to find the sun.” And here goes Smeyer, beating away with the symbolism stick. Edward is the sun. Every thing else is blackness and darkness. Geddit?
“In his place was a large red-brown wolf with black eyes.” Because Native Americans are just like wolves. More clumsy foreshadowing.
“Fishing again.” I don’t know why she assumes this… he is the Chief of Police. Then again, she doesn’t seem in the least bit interested in his comings and goings.
The following is 208 words that do nothing to advance the plot. I get it- dial-up is slow. I remember from my own days using dial-up. But this scene has the same dramatic pacing as bridge construction, to quote Dave Barry.
Another typo, page 64: Throughout the vast shadowy world of ghosts and demons there is no figure so terrible, no figure so dreaded and abhorred, yet dight with such fearful fascination,
Well, she actually gets the myth of the Danag correct… which is surprising, given how she completely screws up the much more important mythology of the Quileute.
And she’s back to making things up. While the myth of the “Charitable Witch Doctor” (the actual translation of Stregoni benefici [why is only the first word italicized?]) isn’t too bad, it makes no sense that it would be applied to a vampire. It seems more like something that fought against vampires would be classified as something else- see Abraham van Helsing.
“I decided that most of the blame belonged on the doorstep of the town of Forks — and the entire sodden Olympic Peninsula, for that matter.” Yes, that’s the only reason anyone in the world looks up vampires. God forbid she have an interest in something.
“My sense of direction was hopeless; I could get lost in much less helpful surroundings.” I’m kind of torn on this. On one hand, it makes Bella into a totally helpless female yet again. On the other, I also have a terrible sense of direction. I guess I’ll take this as another token attempt at making her flawed.
“There were many I didn't know, and others I couldn't be sure about because they were so covered in green parasites.” Parasites? What on God’s green earth is she talking about? Moss? Or leaves? Also, I doubt that Bella is the kind of good Junior Chipmunk who can identify different trees by their bark.
Typos again, page 66: And the way be [paragraph break] sometimes spoke.
“with unfamiliar cadences and phrases that better fit the style of a turn-of-the-century novel than that of a twenty-first-century classroom.” There’s no evidence of this. His inflections may sound old-fashioned, but his speech definitely does not. The only “turn-of-the-century phrase” I can think of would be that he called her “absurd” instead of “stupid”.
Also, minor quibble, but she was talking about the collective traits of the Cullens, then switches to Edward in particular, then continues with the collective traits of the Cullens without specifying which is just him and which are all of them.
“Something outside the possibility of rational justification was taking place in front of my incredulous eyes.” This just sounds… fake. Like she wrote down: “I couldn’t believe what was happening- the ridiculous things playing out in front of my own eyes”, then shook her head, decided it wasn’t pretentious enough, and re-wrote it.
Just wanted to mention the abuse of dashes. She could have used commas about six times, but used giant dashes instead.
“I was gripped in a sudden agony of despair as I considered that alternative.” *tuts* Oh, Meta-Bella, where have you gone? Edward has been nothing but bad news to you. Why would it be agony to dose him with his own medicine? Why are you so weak?
“After all, if he was something… sinister, he'd done nothing to hurt me so far.” There should be an ‘even’ before the ‘if’. Otherwise it makes no sense grammatically.
“I didn't know if there ever was a choice, really. I was already in too deep.” This is clichéd as well as being totally untrue. She can easily walk away and tell Edward to get stuffed. She won’t, though, because she sees his obnoxious, disrespectful behavior hides a fluffy frightened bunny rabbit of a man… except it doesn’t.
“Sometimes the relief was tainted by despair, like my decision to come to Forks.” It’s been almost 3 pages since I’ve reminded you readers that Forks sucks big time.
“I opened the window — surprised when it opened silently, without sticking, not having opened it in who knows how many years — and sucked in the relatively dry air.” Foreshadowing that Edward has been most creepily stalking her, and being such an abysmal excuse for a man that he would put the woman he loves in mortal danger for his own gratification.
Typo page 68: “watching the dust moats stirring in the sunlight that streamed in
the back window.” Do they have little castles too?
“With a sigh, I folded it over my arm and stepped out into the brightest light I'd seen in months.” Can anyone figure out this timeline? She arrives in Forks on a Saturday or maybe a Sunday. She starts school on Monday, meets Edward, he disappears. By Friday (mentioned on page 19) she recognizes the people at school. The La Push trip- that first Friday - is two weeks away. Edward returns on a Monday or a Tuesday after her first weekend in Forks. According to this chapter, she went to the beach the day before yesterday. She has been there for three weeks… and the weather has gone from perma-chill that requires a parka to tropical rainforest. What time of year is this supposed to be?
I heard someone call, and it sounded like Mike. I looked around to realize that the school had become populated while I'd been sitting there, absentminded.” I’m not verbose, I’m just overly wordy.
“Everyone was in t-shirts, some even in shorts though the temperature couldn't be over sixty.” And yet, two weeks ago, there was a foot of snow on the ground.
“He was so delighted to see me, I couldn't help but feel gratified.” Yeah, I totally believe he’s a huge jerk who’s just trying to get into Bella’s pants. Why is it that SMeyer has to ret-con everyone into worse than Edward?
“His tone was just a bit too proprietary.” Holy Thesaurus Abuse, Batman! Also, why does she go all melty when Edward talks to her like property?
“"Whether Shakespeare's treatment of the female characters is misogynistic."” So she does know that such a thing exists.
“I was far too lost in my own frenzy of anticipation to notice much of what she said.” Bella = Worst. Friend. Ever.
“I shambled along behind Jessica, not bothering to pretend to listen anymore.” If I can’t ogle pretty people, your chatter is worth nothing. I don’t care if this hurts your feelings.
“Angela asked a few quiet questions about the Macbeth paper, which I answered as naturally as I could while spiraling downward in misery.” Um… Edward disappeared from school for an entire week. It’s not like this is unusual behavior, and it’s certainly not healthy that you get so totally fixated on seeing someone who is unfailingly rude and demeaning towards you that your entire emotional equilibrium is thrown.
“In Gym, we had a lecture on the rules of badminton, the next torture they had lined up for me.” Yes, Princess, it’s all about you. Your teachers had a conference and said ‘How can we make Princess Special Snowflake miserable?’. Badminton they decided.
“Never mind that the day after they would arm me with a racket before unleashing me on the rest of the class.” Wow, she’s really not listening. At worst, there will be one other person on the court with her for her to whack with the racket. She makes it sound like she’s going to run amuck, beating everyone with the racket before she’s finally taken down by tranquilizers, rather than she’ll just swing wildly and fall down. That would be far more entertaining, actually.
“I was glad to leave campus, so I would be free to pout and mope before I went out tonight with Jessica and company.” Oh, you’re aware that you’re behaving like a two-year-old?
Establishing her mother as a clinging twit. Although, why couldn’t Bella just communicate with her mother from time to time. This is an extra sore spot with me, as I don’t have a mother to communicate with… and Bella claims her mother is her “best friend”. Then again, considering Bella ignores her “best friends” or thinks snarky thoughts on how ugly they are, I guess it’s par for the course.
Typo, page 71: only to remember after I began three that the hero of the story happened to be named Edward.
“I snapped the book shut, annoyed, and rolled over onto my back.” I have a hard time believing she gets anything out of reading, if she forgets the names of the lead characters of her “favorite” novels. That definitely points to a major lack of reading comprehension. Then again, the fact that she thinks her and Edward’s relationship mirrors Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy’s also speaks to a major lack of reading comprehension…
“I looked around, muddled, with the sudden feeling that I wasn't alone.” Now that I’ve spent hours staring at you napping in your backyard, I’ll be back tonight to continue the watching game.
“And it felt good, despite my depression, to make him happy.” You’re not depressed, you overdramatizing brat.
“I sighed as I gave him the details.” God, there he goes again. Wanting to know about the people I spend time with, as if he were my actual father.
“"I don't know how you survived," I muttered,” I hate being reminded that one of my parents isn’t an overgrown infant.
“I vowed to myself that I would be in a good mood tonight and not ruin Angela's or Jessica's enjoyment in the dress hunting.” Bella makes an effort to be a good friend. That wasn’t so bad, was it?
“I left a note for Charlie on the table, explaining again where to find dinner,” Again, I hate being reminded that one of my parents isn’t totally dependent on me. Having real adults around makes me look as immature as I really am.
“desperate now to find the sun.” And here goes Smeyer, beating away with the symbolism stick. Edward is the sun. Every thing else is blackness and darkness. Geddit?
“In his place was a large red-brown wolf with black eyes.” Because Native Americans are just like wolves. More clumsy foreshadowing.
“Fishing again.” I don’t know why she assumes this… he is the Chief of Police. Then again, she doesn’t seem in the least bit interested in his comings and goings.
The following is 208 words that do nothing to advance the plot. I get it- dial-up is slow. I remember from my own days using dial-up. But this scene has the same dramatic pacing as bridge construction, to quote Dave Barry.
Another typo, page 64: Throughout the vast shadowy world of ghosts and demons there is no figure so terrible, no figure so dreaded and abhorred, yet dight with such fearful fascination,
Well, she actually gets the myth of the Danag correct… which is surprising, given how she completely screws up the much more important mythology of the Quileute.
And she’s back to making things up. While the myth of the “Charitable Witch Doctor” (the actual translation of Stregoni benefici [why is only the first word italicized?]) isn’t too bad, it makes no sense that it would be applied to a vampire. It seems more like something that fought against vampires would be classified as something else- see Abraham van Helsing.
“I decided that most of the blame belonged on the doorstep of the town of Forks — and the entire sodden Olympic Peninsula, for that matter.” Yes, that’s the only reason anyone in the world looks up vampires. God forbid she have an interest in something.
“My sense of direction was hopeless; I could get lost in much less helpful surroundings.” I’m kind of torn on this. On one hand, it makes Bella into a totally helpless female yet again. On the other, I also have a terrible sense of direction. I guess I’ll take this as another token attempt at making her flawed.
“There were many I didn't know, and others I couldn't be sure about because they were so covered in green parasites.” Parasites? What on God’s green earth is she talking about? Moss? Or leaves? Also, I doubt that Bella is the kind of good Junior Chipmunk who can identify different trees by their bark.
Typos again, page 66: And the way be [paragraph break] sometimes spoke.
“with unfamiliar cadences and phrases that better fit the style of a turn-of-the-century novel than that of a twenty-first-century classroom.” There’s no evidence of this. His inflections may sound old-fashioned, but his speech definitely does not. The only “turn-of-the-century phrase” I can think of would be that he called her “absurd” instead of “stupid”.
Also, minor quibble, but she was talking about the collective traits of the Cullens, then switches to Edward in particular, then continues with the collective traits of the Cullens without specifying which is just him and which are all of them.
“Something outside the possibility of rational justification was taking place in front of my incredulous eyes.” This just sounds… fake. Like she wrote down: “I couldn’t believe what was happening- the ridiculous things playing out in front of my own eyes”, then shook her head, decided it wasn’t pretentious enough, and re-wrote it.
Just wanted to mention the abuse of dashes. She could have used commas about six times, but used giant dashes instead.
“I was gripped in a sudden agony of despair as I considered that alternative.” *tuts* Oh, Meta-Bella, where have you gone? Edward has been nothing but bad news to you. Why would it be agony to dose him with his own medicine? Why are you so weak?
“After all, if he was something… sinister, he'd done nothing to hurt me so far.” There should be an ‘even’ before the ‘if’. Otherwise it makes no sense grammatically.
“I didn't know if there ever was a choice, really. I was already in too deep.” This is clichéd as well as being totally untrue. She can easily walk away and tell Edward to get stuffed. She won’t, though, because she sees his obnoxious, disrespectful behavior hides a fluffy frightened bunny rabbit of a man… except it doesn’t.
“Sometimes the relief was tainted by despair, like my decision to come to Forks.” It’s been almost 3 pages since I’ve reminded you readers that Forks sucks big time.
“I opened the window — surprised when it opened silently, without sticking, not having opened it in who knows how many years — and sucked in the relatively dry air.” Foreshadowing that Edward has been most creepily stalking her, and being such an abysmal excuse for a man that he would put the woman he loves in mortal danger for his own gratification.
Typo page 68: “watching the dust moats stirring in the sunlight that streamed in
the back window.” Do they have little castles too?
“With a sigh, I folded it over my arm and stepped out into the brightest light I'd seen in months.” Can anyone figure out this timeline? She arrives in Forks on a Saturday or maybe a Sunday. She starts school on Monday, meets Edward, he disappears. By Friday (mentioned on page 19) she recognizes the people at school. The La Push trip- that first Friday - is two weeks away. Edward returns on a Monday or a Tuesday after her first weekend in Forks. According to this chapter, she went to the beach the day before yesterday. She has been there for three weeks… and the weather has gone from perma-chill that requires a parka to tropical rainforest. What time of year is this supposed to be?
I heard someone call, and it sounded like Mike. I looked around to realize that the school had become populated while I'd been sitting there, absentminded.” I’m not verbose, I’m just overly wordy.
“Everyone was in t-shirts, some even in shorts though the temperature couldn't be over sixty.” And yet, two weeks ago, there was a foot of snow on the ground.
“He was so delighted to see me, I couldn't help but feel gratified.” Yeah, I totally believe he’s a huge jerk who’s just trying to get into Bella’s pants. Why is it that SMeyer has to ret-con everyone into worse than Edward?
“His tone was just a bit too proprietary.” Holy Thesaurus Abuse, Batman! Also, why does she go all melty when Edward talks to her like property?
“"Whether Shakespeare's treatment of the female characters is misogynistic."” So she does know that such a thing exists.
“I was far too lost in my own frenzy of anticipation to notice much of what she said.” Bella = Worst. Friend. Ever.
“I shambled along behind Jessica, not bothering to pretend to listen anymore.” If I can’t ogle pretty people, your chatter is worth nothing. I don’t care if this hurts your feelings.
“Angela asked a few quiet questions about the Macbeth paper, which I answered as naturally as I could while spiraling downward in misery.” Um… Edward disappeared from school for an entire week. It’s not like this is unusual behavior, and it’s certainly not healthy that you get so totally fixated on seeing someone who is unfailingly rude and demeaning towards you that your entire emotional equilibrium is thrown.
“In Gym, we had a lecture on the rules of badminton, the next torture they had lined up for me.” Yes, Princess, it’s all about you. Your teachers had a conference and said ‘How can we make Princess Special Snowflake miserable?’. Badminton they decided.
“Never mind that the day after they would arm me with a racket before unleashing me on the rest of the class.” Wow, she’s really not listening. At worst, there will be one other person on the court with her for her to whack with the racket. She makes it sound like she’s going to run amuck, beating everyone with the racket before she’s finally taken down by tranquilizers, rather than she’ll just swing wildly and fall down. That would be far more entertaining, actually.
“I was glad to leave campus, so I would be free to pout and mope before I went out tonight with Jessica and company.” Oh, you’re aware that you’re behaving like a two-year-old?
Establishing her mother as a clinging twit. Although, why couldn’t Bella just communicate with her mother from time to time. This is an extra sore spot with me, as I don’t have a mother to communicate with… and Bella claims her mother is her “best friend”. Then again, considering Bella ignores her “best friends” or thinks snarky thoughts on how ugly they are, I guess it’s par for the course.
Typo, page 71: only to remember after I began three that the hero of the story happened to be named Edward.
“I snapped the book shut, annoyed, and rolled over onto my back.” I have a hard time believing she gets anything out of reading, if she forgets the names of the lead characters of her “favorite” novels. That definitely points to a major lack of reading comprehension. Then again, the fact that she thinks her and Edward’s relationship mirrors Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy’s also speaks to a major lack of reading comprehension…
“I looked around, muddled, with the sudden feeling that I wasn't alone.” Now that I’ve spent hours staring at you napping in your backyard, I’ll be back tonight to continue the watching game.
“And it felt good, despite my depression, to make him happy.” You’re not depressed, you overdramatizing brat.
“I sighed as I gave him the details.” God, there he goes again. Wanting to know about the people I spend time with, as if he were my actual father.
“"I don't know how you survived," I muttered,” I hate being reminded that one of my parents isn’t an overgrown infant.
“I vowed to myself that I would be in a good mood tonight and not ruin Angela's or Jessica's enjoyment in the dress hunting.” Bella makes an effort to be a good friend. That wasn’t so bad, was it?
“I left a note for Charlie on the table, explaining again where to find dinner,” Again, I hate being reminded that one of my parents isn’t totally dependent on me. Having real adults around makes me look as immature as I really am.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Chapter 6: Heap Big Chief WolfMan Provides Pale-Face Squaw With-um Heap Big Backstory. Ug.
“it more than lived up to my non-expectations.” No real comment- that’s a terrible sentence.
“I guessed she'd been hoping to hear something that would make a good story for her to pass on.” You know, Jessica has been characterized as nothing but nice, so I don’t know where Bella gets off assuming she’s this uber-gossipy bitch. Of course, she’s not pretty, so she can’t be a good person.
“And I couldn't stop the gloom that engulfed me as I realized I didn't know how long I would have to wait before I saw him again.” More establishing that this is an unhealthy obsession based only on looks. *sigh* I wish she’d get a new schtick- I’m only getting so much to work with.
“At my usual table, everyone was full of our plans for the next day.” Bad grammar, and contradictory, because you’ve done nothing but whine about how you really don’t want to go, but you’ll suck it up and deal because you have nothing better to do/couldn’t think of an excuse not to hang out with those losers.
“But it was warmer today — almost sixty.” Wow, Stephenie Meyer said she didn’t do any research, and it’s really showing. It’s been three weeks according to the narrative, and it was the middle of winter when this started. Only not, because everything was still lush and verdant, but it was, because there was a huge snow. I’m trying my damndest to figure out when the story starts, and the only thing that would make even a lick of sense is that it begins in April and the snow was late, but everyone seemed to expect it and so it takes place during winter! It’s Fawining! All the seasons but summer, because everyone knows the Pacific Northwest doesn’t have a summer.
“Maybe the outing wouldn't be completely miserable.” Maybe you could try not to be a bionic bitch for a minute.
“I'd never noticed what an unpleasant, nasal voice she had,” Because everyone who doesn’t adore Bella is ugly in some way.
“I wondered if he would approve of my plan to ride to Seattle with Edward Cullen. Not that I was going to tell him.” Good life lesson for the little girls reading this series. Daddy doesn’t need to know about your dangerous boyfriend, it’ll just worry the poor soul. When the guy who makes you feel creeped out and physically forces you into car kills you and dumps your body in the woods, Daddoo will figure it out eventually.
There’s some generic surprise at seeing the sun. I know it’s rainy up there, but it can’t possibly be that rainy.
“hoping I wouldn't get caught in the lie. But also wishing that a miracle would occur, and Edward would appear.” Bad grammar again. You know, I tutor English, and one of my students asked me if reading this book would help her with her development. I told her no- she’s already having trouble, she doesn’t need to learn large words used incorrectly and she doesn’t need any more bad grammar habits. I’m sure once I get my license, I’ll have a bevy of girls who learned their SAT words from ‘Twilight’… and thus learned the wrong way of using them.
“He smiled blissfully. It was so easy to make Mike happy.” And that’s a total turn-off. Who wants a guy who likes me for me and enjoys life?
“I hid my chagrin.” First use of the dreaded word. From the dictionary: –noun 1. a feeling of vexation, marked by disappointment or humiliation.
It is not interchangeable with ‘embarrassment’. Thesaurus raep fail.
“It was still breathtaking.” Last week you were complaining that it wasn’t a proper beach and was stupid and ugly and you didn’t want to go. Either Bella has a split personality, or the most violent case of SAD ever recorded.
Okay, I have to give Stephenie Meyer some props here. She described a picture of the beach more than adequately. She doesn’t give a good sense of being there at all, but you can tell that she’s seen some lovely pictures.
“It reminded me of Edward's request — that I not fall into the ocean.” Everything reminds me of Edward. I’m going to deny myself a pleasure because Edward wouldn’t approve.
“Lauren was the one who made my decision for me.” But because I’m a spineless little coward, instead of confronting the girl who’s being a bitch for no reason, I’m going to skulk off and let her gossip about me in peace.
“I was completely absorbed, except for one small part of my mind that wondered what Edward was doing now, and trying to imagine what he would be saying if he were here with me.” *sigh* I’m sooooo obsessed with him that every time I blow my nose, the tissue reminds me of Edward’s perfect skin.
“I knew exactly what caused the difference, and it disturbed me.” Meta-Bella, I weep for you. You have to share a body with a ridiculously shallow, self-absorbed brat who becomes obsessed with the first pretty face she sees. It must be hard for you.
“However, my positive opinion of his looks was damaged by the first words out of his mouth.” At least she acknowledges that she judges a person as someone she’ll like or dislike based on their looks. Of course, she’s such a brat that she’ll dislike someone for trying to introduce themselves to her- why can’t he tell that she’s Princess Special Snowflake?
“Of course, I'd kicked up enough tantrums to end the fishing trips by the time I was eleven.” You say that like you’re proud of it. I guess being forced to hang out with Indians is icky.
Typo page 58: "I was so relived when Charlie bought it”
“Lauren asked — in what I imagined was an insolent tone — from across the fire.” Insolent? Seriously, insolent?! Does Smeyer even know what that means? I assume not, unless she’s trying to further underline that Bella is Princess Special Snowflake.
“I hoped that young Jacob was as yet inexperienced around girls, so that he wouldn't see through my sure-tobe-pitiful attempts at flirting.” Typo, page 59. Also, good establishing that Bella is going to be the world’s biggest bitch to Jacob and is going to jerk his poor fuzzy heart around just so she can be close to Edward.
Okay, this scene is actually pretty well-written, but Bella is being a truly nasty person, and she doesn’t seem to realize it.
“Jacob strolled to a nearby driftwood tree that had its roots sticking out like the attenuated legs of a huge, pale spider.” Shame on the person who gave Smeyer a thesaurus without a dictionary.
“I asked, not faking my intrigue now.” And again. ‘Intrigue’ is technically correct, but it reads badly.
“If they would promise to stay off our lands, we wouldn't expose them to the pale-faces." And me-um Heap Big Chief-um tribeman. Ug.
“I felt guilty as I said this, knowing that I'd used him. But I really did like Jacob. He was someone I could easily be friends with.” At least she knows that she’s used him. Then again, that seems to a pre-requisite to be friends with her- easily used.
“I guessed she'd been hoping to hear something that would make a good story for her to pass on.” You know, Jessica has been characterized as nothing but nice, so I don’t know where Bella gets off assuming she’s this uber-gossipy bitch. Of course, she’s not pretty, so she can’t be a good person.
“And I couldn't stop the gloom that engulfed me as I realized I didn't know how long I would have to wait before I saw him again.” More establishing that this is an unhealthy obsession based only on looks. *sigh* I wish she’d get a new schtick- I’m only getting so much to work with.
“At my usual table, everyone was full of our plans for the next day.” Bad grammar, and contradictory, because you’ve done nothing but whine about how you really don’t want to go, but you’ll suck it up and deal because you have nothing better to do/couldn’t think of an excuse not to hang out with those losers.
“But it was warmer today — almost sixty.” Wow, Stephenie Meyer said she didn’t do any research, and it’s really showing. It’s been three weeks according to the narrative, and it was the middle of winter when this started. Only not, because everything was still lush and verdant, but it was, because there was a huge snow. I’m trying my damndest to figure out when the story starts, and the only thing that would make even a lick of sense is that it begins in April and the snow was late, but everyone seemed to expect it and so it takes place during winter! It’s Fawining! All the seasons but summer, because everyone knows the Pacific Northwest doesn’t have a summer.
“Maybe the outing wouldn't be completely miserable.” Maybe you could try not to be a bionic bitch for a minute.
“I'd never noticed what an unpleasant, nasal voice she had,” Because everyone who doesn’t adore Bella is ugly in some way.
“I wondered if he would approve of my plan to ride to Seattle with Edward Cullen. Not that I was going to tell him.” Good life lesson for the little girls reading this series. Daddy doesn’t need to know about your dangerous boyfriend, it’ll just worry the poor soul. When the guy who makes you feel creeped out and physically forces you into car kills you and dumps your body in the woods, Daddoo will figure it out eventually.
There’s some generic surprise at seeing the sun. I know it’s rainy up there, but it can’t possibly be that rainy.
“hoping I wouldn't get caught in the lie. But also wishing that a miracle would occur, and Edward would appear.” Bad grammar again. You know, I tutor English, and one of my students asked me if reading this book would help her with her development. I told her no- she’s already having trouble, she doesn’t need to learn large words used incorrectly and she doesn’t need any more bad grammar habits. I’m sure once I get my license, I’ll have a bevy of girls who learned their SAT words from ‘Twilight’… and thus learned the wrong way of using them.
“He smiled blissfully. It was so easy to make Mike happy.” And that’s a total turn-off. Who wants a guy who likes me for me and enjoys life?
“I hid my chagrin.” First use of the dreaded word. From the dictionary: –noun 1. a feeling of vexation, marked by disappointment or humiliation.
It is not interchangeable with ‘embarrassment’. Thesaurus raep fail.
“It was still breathtaking.” Last week you were complaining that it wasn’t a proper beach and was stupid and ugly and you didn’t want to go. Either Bella has a split personality, or the most violent case of SAD ever recorded.
Okay, I have to give Stephenie Meyer some props here. She described a picture of the beach more than adequately. She doesn’t give a good sense of being there at all, but you can tell that she’s seen some lovely pictures.
“It reminded me of Edward's request — that I not fall into the ocean.” Everything reminds me of Edward. I’m going to deny myself a pleasure because Edward wouldn’t approve.
“Lauren was the one who made my decision for me.” But because I’m a spineless little coward, instead of confronting the girl who’s being a bitch for no reason, I’m going to skulk off and let her gossip about me in peace.
“I was completely absorbed, except for one small part of my mind that wondered what Edward was doing now, and trying to imagine what he would be saying if he were here with me.” *sigh* I’m sooooo obsessed with him that every time I blow my nose, the tissue reminds me of Edward’s perfect skin.
“I knew exactly what caused the difference, and it disturbed me.” Meta-Bella, I weep for you. You have to share a body with a ridiculously shallow, self-absorbed brat who becomes obsessed with the first pretty face she sees. It must be hard for you.
“However, my positive opinion of his looks was damaged by the first words out of his mouth.” At least she acknowledges that she judges a person as someone she’ll like or dislike based on their looks. Of course, she’s such a brat that she’ll dislike someone for trying to introduce themselves to her- why can’t he tell that she’s Princess Special Snowflake?
“Of course, I'd kicked up enough tantrums to end the fishing trips by the time I was eleven.” You say that like you’re proud of it. I guess being forced to hang out with Indians is icky.
Typo page 58: "I was so relived when Charlie bought it”
“Lauren asked — in what I imagined was an insolent tone — from across the fire.” Insolent? Seriously, insolent?! Does Smeyer even know what that means? I assume not, unless she’s trying to further underline that Bella is Princess Special Snowflake.
“I hoped that young Jacob was as yet inexperienced around girls, so that he wouldn't see through my sure-tobe-pitiful attempts at flirting.” Typo, page 59. Also, good establishing that Bella is going to be the world’s biggest bitch to Jacob and is going to jerk his poor fuzzy heart around just so she can be close to Edward.
Okay, this scene is actually pretty well-written, but Bella is being a truly nasty person, and she doesn’t seem to realize it.
“Jacob strolled to a nearby driftwood tree that had its roots sticking out like the attenuated legs of a huge, pale spider.” Shame on the person who gave Smeyer a thesaurus without a dictionary.
“I asked, not faking my intrigue now.” And again. ‘Intrigue’ is technically correct, but it reads badly.
“If they would promise to stay off our lands, we wouldn't expose them to the pale-faces." And me-um Heap Big Chief-um tribeman. Ug.
“I felt guilty as I said this, knowing that I'd used him. But I really did like Jacob. He was someone I could easily be friends with.” At least she knows that she’s used him. Then again, that seems to a pre-requisite to be friends with her- easily used.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Chapter 3: Meta-Bella Attempts a Daring Escape!
“But that wasn't the worst part. All the rain from yesterday had frozen solid — coating the needles on the trees in fantastic, gorgeous patterns” Not very consistent, are you? It’s horrible and gorgeous. Maybe that’s a bit of clever foreshadowing on SMeyer’s part, but I kind of doubt it.
Adoraklutz, page 27. Isn’t it so relatable that she’s the clumsiest creature on God’s green earth? It makes her just like me, the awkward teenage reader!
“I threw down a quick bowl of cereal and some orange juice from the carton.” That’s a bad sentence. Bad, bad, bad sentence. Tell me that doesn’t conjure the image of Adoraklutz dropping a full bowl of cereal on the floor- a bowl of cereal with orange juice. Orange juice FROM THE CARTON!
“I knew it wasn't the stimulating learning environment I was anticipating, or seeing my new set of friends.” Because people in small towns are dumb. Also, what friends? Are you counting the people you barely tolerate who sit next to you at lunch, while you make googily eyes at the Cullens? And how is it a new set if you’ve never had friends before?
“If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen. And that was very, very stupid.” Yes, Meta-Bella! Yes, you realize how dumb it is to want to see a guy who goes between rude and controlling, who laughs at you, and who throws off ‘I’m a bad dude’ signs like fireworks! You know his only attraction is how hot he is, and you’re aware it’s sick that your masturbation fodder is the only reason you want to go to school!
“I should be avoiding him entirely after my brainless and embarrassing babbling yesterday.” -_- And there goes that happy thought.
“I was well aware that my league and his league were spheres that did not touch.” His league? Good-looking douchebags? You start worrying about how hostile he is, and then melt at his pretty face and decide he’ll never speak to you because you’re such a beast. Healthy!
“Clearly, today was going to be nightmarish.” Well, according to you, what day hasn’t been? Every day gets a descriptor like ‘dreadful’, ‘horrible’, ‘disappointing’… it’s not working anymore. I don’t believe you. Every day can’t be as terrible as you describe, unless you just enjoy wallowing in misery.
“Possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as a damsel in distress.” Meta-Bella again! I kind of like her- she realizes that she’s not in good situations. Of course, SMeyer can’t have that, so immediately Bella goes back to thinking about boys. Mike is all *ew* nice and stuff, and Eric is all *ew* geeky and stuff. So obviously, no one will do but Edward.
“My truck seemed to have no problem with the black ice that covered the roads.” You can’t see or drive on black ice -_- Research won’t kill you, Stephers.
“Something silver caught my eye” Alert is Bella’s middle name!
“I wasn't used to being taken care of, and Charlie's unspoken concern caught me by surprise.” He’s a wonderful guy and an ideal father. Why can’t you ever call him ‘Dad’?
“"That's what I thought." His voice, amazingly, sounded like he was suppressing laughter.” It’s so funny you almost died! I wish I could hit you on the head again, you little scamp!
“There was a flurry of activity around us. I tried to get up, but Edward's cold hand pushed my shoulder down.” Keep lying on the ice until I give you leave to stand up, woman!
“"But it's cold," I complained. It surprised me when he chuckled under his breath. There was an edge to the sound.” Your discomfort amuses Edward. He hasn’t given you permission to stand up, weak woman thing, so don’t.
“He unleashed the full, devastating power of his eyes on me, as if trying to communicate something crucial.” God, who cares that he’s being patronizing and obviously lying to me? He’s sooo hot!
Typo, page 29: “hepleaded”
“"Will you promise to explain everything to me later?"
"Fine," he snapped, abruptly exasperated.” For heaven’s sake, all I did was demand your trust when I haven’t given you even the slightest reason to trust me. How dare you question me?
“To make matters worse, Chief Swan arrived before they could get me safely away.” Why does she treat her father so dismissively? Her attraction to controlling men suggests an Electra complex, but her relationship with her father is characterized by love and attempts at understanding on Charlie’s side, and none on hers.
“Since no one bothered pulling the curtain around to give me some privacy, I decided I wasn't obligated to wear the stupid-looking neck brace anymore.” Who cares about safety? I WANNA LOOK PRETTY!!!
“harassed by Tyler 's constant apologies and promises to make it up to me.” What’s with people in this town and them being nice to me? Can’t they see that I’m better than them?
“I glared at him. It wasn't easy — it would have been more natural to ogle.” I’m so mad that all I can do is masturbate furiously.
“I heard a chuckle, and looked over to see Edward's patronizing smile.” Edward, you’re a douchebag.
“"Someone has to spread the good news that we survived," Edward said smugly.” More douchebaggery. He’s probably also five popped collars cool.
“"Actually," Dr. Cullen corrected, "most of the school seems to be in the waiting room."” Because Bella is such a SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE that a school holiday was declared when she was injured.
“"Take some Tylenol for the pain," he suggested as he steadied me.” Product placement!
“I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.” …. Yes, you totally love him for his personality.
Conversation 2, page 32.
“"There's nothing wrong with me," I assured him sullenly. I was still aggravated, not in the mood for chitchat.
"What did the doctor say?"
"Dr. Cullen saw me, and he said I was fine and I could go home." I sighed. Mike and Jessica and Eric were all there, beginning to converge on us. "Let's go," I urged.” How dare all these people be concerned about me? All I want to do is think about how hot Edward is!
“"Um… you'll need to call Renée." He hung his head, guilty.
I was appalled. "You told Mom!"
"Sorry."
I slammed the cruiser's door a little harder than necessary on my way out.” She only BORE me! How could you tell her that I was in an accident that necessitated a hospital trip and X-rays? You inconsiderate prick, it’s no wonder I hate you so much!
“but her pleas were easier to resist than I would have thought. I was consumed by the mystery Edward presented.” Being obsessed with a guy is a perfect reason to stay in a town.
“And more than a little obsessed by Edward himself. Stupid, stupid, stupid.” Come on, Meta-Bella. Escape! Do the right thing, and confront your idiocy!
“I wasn't as eager to escape Forks as I should be, as any normal, sane person would be.” Very good showing- Bella thinks her opinions are the only sane ones. She is the center of the universe, and everyone should always think exactly like she does.
Adoraklutz, page 27. Isn’t it so relatable that she’s the clumsiest creature on God’s green earth? It makes her just like me, the awkward teenage reader!
“I threw down a quick bowl of cereal and some orange juice from the carton.” That’s a bad sentence. Bad, bad, bad sentence. Tell me that doesn’t conjure the image of Adoraklutz dropping a full bowl of cereal on the floor- a bowl of cereal with orange juice. Orange juice FROM THE CARTON!
“I knew it wasn't the stimulating learning environment I was anticipating, or seeing my new set of friends.” Because people in small towns are dumb. Also, what friends? Are you counting the people you barely tolerate who sit next to you at lunch, while you make googily eyes at the Cullens? And how is it a new set if you’ve never had friends before?
“If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen. And that was very, very stupid.” Yes, Meta-Bella! Yes, you realize how dumb it is to want to see a guy who goes between rude and controlling, who laughs at you, and who throws off ‘I’m a bad dude’ signs like fireworks! You know his only attraction is how hot he is, and you’re aware it’s sick that your masturbation fodder is the only reason you want to go to school!
“I should be avoiding him entirely after my brainless and embarrassing babbling yesterday.” -_- And there goes that happy thought.
“I was well aware that my league and his league were spheres that did not touch.” His league? Good-looking douchebags? You start worrying about how hostile he is, and then melt at his pretty face and decide he’ll never speak to you because you’re such a beast. Healthy!
“Clearly, today was going to be nightmarish.” Well, according to you, what day hasn’t been? Every day gets a descriptor like ‘dreadful’, ‘horrible’, ‘disappointing’… it’s not working anymore. I don’t believe you. Every day can’t be as terrible as you describe, unless you just enjoy wallowing in misery.
“Possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as a damsel in distress.” Meta-Bella again! I kind of like her- she realizes that she’s not in good situations. Of course, SMeyer can’t have that, so immediately Bella goes back to thinking about boys. Mike is all *ew* nice and stuff, and Eric is all *ew* geeky and stuff. So obviously, no one will do but Edward.
“My truck seemed to have no problem with the black ice that covered the roads.” You can’t see or drive on black ice -_- Research won’t kill you, Stephers.
“Something silver caught my eye” Alert is Bella’s middle name!
“I wasn't used to being taken care of, and Charlie's unspoken concern caught me by surprise.” He’s a wonderful guy and an ideal father. Why can’t you ever call him ‘Dad’?
“"That's what I thought." His voice, amazingly, sounded like he was suppressing laughter.” It’s so funny you almost died! I wish I could hit you on the head again, you little scamp!
“There was a flurry of activity around us. I tried to get up, but Edward's cold hand pushed my shoulder down.” Keep lying on the ice until I give you leave to stand up, woman!
“"But it's cold," I complained. It surprised me when he chuckled under his breath. There was an edge to the sound.” Your discomfort amuses Edward. He hasn’t given you permission to stand up, weak woman thing, so don’t.
“He unleashed the full, devastating power of his eyes on me, as if trying to communicate something crucial.” God, who cares that he’s being patronizing and obviously lying to me? He’s sooo hot!
Typo, page 29: “hepleaded”
“"Will you promise to explain everything to me later?"
"Fine," he snapped, abruptly exasperated.” For heaven’s sake, all I did was demand your trust when I haven’t given you even the slightest reason to trust me. How dare you question me?
“To make matters worse, Chief Swan arrived before they could get me safely away.” Why does she treat her father so dismissively? Her attraction to controlling men suggests an Electra complex, but her relationship with her father is characterized by love and attempts at understanding on Charlie’s side, and none on hers.
“Since no one bothered pulling the curtain around to give me some privacy, I decided I wasn't obligated to wear the stupid-looking neck brace anymore.” Who cares about safety? I WANNA LOOK PRETTY!!!
“harassed by Tyler 's constant apologies and promises to make it up to me.” What’s with people in this town and them being nice to me? Can’t they see that I’m better than them?
“I glared at him. It wasn't easy — it would have been more natural to ogle.” I’m so mad that all I can do is masturbate furiously.
“I heard a chuckle, and looked over to see Edward's patronizing smile.” Edward, you’re a douchebag.
“"Someone has to spread the good news that we survived," Edward said smugly.” More douchebaggery. He’s probably also five popped collars cool.
“"Actually," Dr. Cullen corrected, "most of the school seems to be in the waiting room."” Because Bella is such a SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE that a school holiday was declared when she was injured.
“"Take some Tylenol for the pain," he suggested as he steadied me.” Product placement!
“I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.” …. Yes, you totally love him for his personality.
Conversation 2, page 32.
“"There's nothing wrong with me," I assured him sullenly. I was still aggravated, not in the mood for chitchat.
"What did the doctor say?"
"Dr. Cullen saw me, and he said I was fine and I could go home." I sighed. Mike and Jessica and Eric were all there, beginning to converge on us. "Let's go," I urged.” How dare all these people be concerned about me? All I want to do is think about how hot Edward is!
“"Um… you'll need to call Renée." He hung his head, guilty.
I was appalled. "You told Mom!"
"Sorry."
I slammed the cruiser's door a little harder than necessary on my way out.” She only BORE me! How could you tell her that I was in an accident that necessitated a hospital trip and X-rays? You inconsiderate prick, it’s no wonder I hate you so much!
“but her pleas were easier to resist than I would have thought. I was consumed by the mystery Edward presented.” Being obsessed with a guy is a perfect reason to stay in a town.
“And more than a little obsessed by Edward himself. Stupid, stupid, stupid.” Come on, Meta-Bella. Escape! Do the right thing, and confront your idiocy!
“I wasn't as eager to escape Forks as I should be, as any normal, sane person would be.” Very good showing- Bella thinks her opinions are the only sane ones. She is the center of the universe, and everyone should always think exactly like she does.
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