Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Chapter 15: Oh Boy, Fun with Fake History!

“I lay with my arm across my eyes, groggy and dazed.” Okay, so she fell asleep with Edward last night. This… just doesn’t seem healthy. Either she got terrible sleep because she was snuggling a statue, which would make sense, or it’s about to get weirder.

“I moaned and rolled on my side, hoping more sleep would come. And then the previous day flooded back into my awareness.” Remember when Bella told us she wasn’t verbose?

“"Your hair looks like a haystack… but I like it."” That’s a really passive-aggressive compliment. It’s like saying “You’re fat. Good thing I like fatties.”

“"Edward! You stayed!" I rejoiced, and thoughtlessly threw myself across the room and into his lap.” This speaks for itself.

“I laid my head cautiously against his shoulder, breathing in the smell of his skin.” I don’t know, this just seems disturbing paternal. The first thing she wants to do when she sees him is climb into his lap. Thank God this didn’t take place in the late 40’s or early 50’s when girls sometimes called their lovers ‘Daddy’.

“"I was sure it was a dream."
"You're not that creative," he scoffed.” I’m sure this is meant as charming teasing, but instead it comes off as more condescending bullshit, and would earn a swift kick in the shins from any reasonably aware woman.

“"Charlie!" I remembered, thoughtlessly jumping up again and heading to the door.” She used ‘thoughtlessly’ twice in one page. Also, thoughtlessly doesn’t seem like the right word either time.

“"He left an hour ago — after reattaching your battery cables, I might add. I have to admit I was disappointed. Is that really all it would take to stop you, if you were
determined to go?"” Wait, what? Charlie detached her car’s battery cables or did Edward? We have no way of knowing, because nothing was or is ever again mentioned about battery cables. Also, this is really out of character for Charlie, since he seems to want Bella to get out of the house. But maybe he thought he was helping her with her “rebellion” in a sort of *nudge nudge wink wink say no more say no more* sort of way.

“I deliberated where I stood, wanting to return to him badly, but afraid I might have morning breath.” Because Lord knows nothing kills a budding romance like a breath of wake-up stank. But since you smell like juicy freesia burgers I don’t think he’d notice if you had the breath of a camel.

“"You're not usually this confused in the morning," he noted.” Bleh. Just another reminder of the stalking.
“I skipped to the bathroom, my emotions unrecognizable.” The structure of this sentence is terrible. Does she not know how she feels about skipping to the bathroom? Is she not showing her emotions about the bathroom? Does she not know how she feels about bathrooms or skipping or what?

“The face in the mirror was practically a stranger — eyes too bright, hectic spots of red across my cheekbones.” I’m playing a new game with this story – this is Bella’s narrative after Stockholm Syndrome sets in, after Edward has locked her in his basement. In this scene, Edward has obviously given her meth in her sleep.

“"Welcome back," he murmured, taking me into his arms.” I guess young girls would find that romantic, but I’d find it a little creepy if a guy was waiting with his arms outstretched the whole time I was in the bathroom. Being joined at the hip does not denote love.

“He rocked me for a while in silence, until I noticed that his clothes were changed, his hair smooth.
"You left?" I accused, touching the collar of his fresh shirt.
"I could hardly leave in the clothes I came in — what would the neighbors think?"
I pouted.
"You were very deeply asleep; I didn't miss anything."” More disturbing paternalism. Bella is very childish, but does she really need to be described in child-like terms?

“His eyes gleamed. "The talking came earlier."” Of course he wouldn’t leave until he had pried into her private thoughts and feelings. You know, she keeps some things secret because she doesn’t want him to know them. He doesn’t appear to give a sweet bippy what she wants.

“"You said you loved me."” No one in the history of ever sleep talks like that.

“"You are my life now," he answered simply.” That is not romantic. That is creepy. It’s not love, it’s obsession, and why would any person want someone else to be obsessed with them? It’s not fun, and you end up getting badly done poetry and comparisons to cannolis.

“"Breakfast time," he said eventually, casually — to prove, I'm sure, that he remembered all my human frailties.
So I clutched my throat with both hands and stared at him with wide eyes. Shock
crossed his face.
"Kidding!" I snickered. "And you said I couldn't act!"
He frowned in disgust. "That wasn't funny."” I have to admit, that was actually kind of funny on her part. She ruined it by laughing at her own joke, but that’s the sort of thing a normal couple would do. However, Edward is such a ridiculous narcissist that he can’t take any joke that is not made at another person’s expense.

“But I examined his gold eyes carefully, to make sure that I was forgiven.” No one should have to do that.

“He threw me over his stone shoulder, gently, but with a swiftness that left me
breathless. I protested as he carried me easily down the stairs, but he ignored me. He sat me right side up on a chair.” So now she can’t walk unassisted? He doesn’t seem to treat this as a joke, but as her legitimately not being able to walk downstairs without accidentally decapitating herself or sit in a chair without being trampled by a rampaging hippogriph.

“"Can I get you anything?" I asked, not wanting to be rude.
He rolled his eyes. "Just eat, Bella."” He doesn’t even like when she’s trying to be polite?

“"Are you afraid now?" He sounded hopeful.” Oh boy, I scared the weak woman thing!

“"Don't worry." He smirked. "I'll protect you."” Now that he has apparently put the fear of being savagely eaten into her, his good humor is restored.

“"Oh, they already know everything. They'd taken bets yesterday, you know" — he smiled, but his voice was harsh — "on whether I'd bring you back,” O.o And Carlisle’s talent is supposedly compassion? What kind of sick people bet on whether their supposed friend is going to eat his date?

“"Is that any good?" he asked, turning back to me abruptly and eyeing my breakfast with a teasing look on his face. "Honestly, it doesn't look very appetizing."
"Well, it's no irritable grizzly…" I murmured, ignoring him when he glowered.” She’s apparently grown a sense of humor in this chapter, but every time she makes a joke, it just makes Edward madder.

“He stood in the middle of the kitchen, the statue of Adonis again, staring abstractedly out the back windows.” Abstractedly is technically correct, but it doesn’t read well.

“His smile was patient.” Because Bella is a toddler, see.

“"Are you going to tell Charlie I'm your boyfriend or not?" he demanded.” And there he goes with the demanding again. What is he going to do if she doesn’t?

“I suppressed my internal cringing at the thought of Edward and Charlie and the word boy friend all in the same room at the same time.” Why?
“"Well, I don't know if we need to give him all the gory details."” Especially that whole part about me wanting to drink your blood and eat your flesh.

“"But he will need some explanation for why I'm around here so much. I don't want Chief Swan getting a restraining order put on me."” Why would he? Seriously, these two are so wrapped up in their fantasy of forbidden love that they simply forget that Charlie has been urging Bella to date since day one and that he’s gay for Carlisle. Seriously, why are they so obsessed with this imaginary persecution?

“"Will you be?" I asked, suddenly anxious. "Will you really be here?"” This is not a normal or a healthy reaction.

“"Okay." I bounced down the stairs. "I'm decent."
He was waiting at the foot of the stairs, closer than I'd thought, and I bounded right into him. He steadied me, holding me a careful distance away for a few seconds before suddenly pulling me closer.
"Wrong again," he murmured in my ear. "You are utterly indecent — no one should look so tempting, it's not fair."” Considering that she’s tempting in the ‘Please eat me’ sense… also, I defy anyone to say that these books are chaste.

“"You are so absurd."” And Edward’s speech makes no sense.

“The smell of his breath made it impossible to think.” Considering his mouth should smell like a charnel house, I could believe that.

“"Shall I explain how you are tempting me?" he said. It was clearly a rhetorical question.
His fingers traced slowly down my spine, his breath coming more quickly against my skin. My hands were limp on his chest, and I felt lightheaded again. He tilted his head slowly and touched his cool lips to mine for the second time, very carefully, parting them slightly.
And then I collapsed.
"Bella?" His voice was alarmed as he caught me and held me up.
"You… made… me… faint," I accused him dizzily.
"What am I going to do with you?" he groaned in exasperation. "Yesterday I kiss you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!"
I laughed weakly, letting his arms support me while my head spun.
"So much for being good at everything," he sighed.
"That's the problem." I was still dizzy. "You're too good. Far, far too good."
"Do you feel sick?" he asked; he'd seen me like this before.
"No — that wasn't the same kind of fainting at all. I don't know what happened." I
shook my head apologetically, "I think I forgot to breathe."
"I can't take you anywhere like this."” I know this is a huge quote chunk, but it’s just so disturbing that it bore full quoting. It’s just… disgusting.

“"I'm very partial to that color with your skin," he offered unexpectedly.” I think this is supposed to make him sound old-fashioned, but it really just makes him sound pretentious.

“The trees held their protecting shadow right up to the walls of the
house that rose among them, making obsolete the deep porch that wrapped around the first story.” Again with the pretentious language. Nobody talks like that.

“The house was timeless, graceful, and probably a hundred years old. It was painted a soft, faded white, three stories tall, rectangular and well proportioned.” Actually, a more ornate, asymmetrical style was popular at the turn of the century. Georgian architecture was out of style, so why is their old house a Georgian?

“The inside was even more surprising, less predictable, than the exterior. It was very bright, very open, and very large.” Wait, how could it be very bright? The entire house is completely shaded in by trees, and even if it wasn’t, Georgian architecture rarely has large windows.

“Waiting to greet us, standing just to the left of the door, on a raised portion of the floor by a spectacular grand piano, were Edward's parents.” I guess they’ve just been waiting there all day for Edward and Princess Speshul Snowflake to arrive.

“Something about her heart-shaped face, her billows of soft, caramel-colored hair, reminded me of the ingénues of the silent-movie era.” Except when Esme died in the 1920’s, most women wore their hair short.

Random Alice acting spastic while her very WASPy family looks on disapprovingly.

“you have a very beautiful home," I added conventionally.” I think that was supposed to be “conversationally”.

“She spoke with feeling, and I realized that she thought I was brave.” I guess it’s easier to think that than that you were blinded by lust.

“She was happy, absorbed — she seemed like a new, mysterious being to me then, someone outside the "mom" persona I took for granted. She'd put me through lessons, of course, but like most kids, I whined until she let me quit.” This is actually kind of sad. Her mother apparently has one skill and one joy in life, and Bella shot it down the second she tried to share it. Then again, our image of Bella in childhood is a spoiled little brat who cries and whines to get her own way in everything.

“"No," she laughed. "Edward didn't tell you he was musical?"
"No." I glared at his suddenly innocent expression with narrowed eyes.” Wait, what? Why would she act like this was some rudeness on his part? She’s never actually asked him about his interests or what he does in his spare time beyond be gorgeous and break into her bedroom.

In this next chunk of dialogue, 10 different words are used instead of ‘said’. Seriously, it reads like a Mad Lib.

“He gave me a long, exasperated look before he turned to the keys.” Why is the only thing Edward is willing to show off how easily he could murder her?

“his eyes wide and persuasive.” I’m not sure what one has to do with the other…

“"I told you he was the most recent to try our way of life. I warned him to keep his distance."
I thought about the reason for that, and shuddered.” So the whole blood drinking thing bothers you when it’s not Edward. I guess because she knows full well that Jasper doesn’t want to sexxorz her.

“Every time I touch you, she just about chokes with satisfaction."” That’s…. really disturbing. Even a fundamentalist discovering the son she thought was gay and going to hell has a girlfriend would not be this happy. It’s just weird.

“"Alice has her own way of looking at things," he said through tight lips.” I’m going to pretend the reason he just got snippy is because Alice saw herself and Bella running away to share passionate lesbian vampire love.

“"I have to, because I'm going to be a little… overbearingly protective over the next few days — or weeks — and I wouldn't want you to think I'm naturally a tyrant."” Except that he is. If he doesn’t think his behavior has been tyrannical or overbearing and he thinks he’s about to behave badly, then he’s even less self-aware than I thought.

“"Yes… well, they aren't like us, of course — in their hunting habits, I mean. They
probably won't come into town at all, but I'm certainly not going to let you out of my sight till they're gone."” Screw everyone else, though. A few dead people don’t bother me if you’re fine!

“I shivered.
"Finally, a rational response!"” He goes on to explain that it’s her self-preservation, but I’d be shivering in fear if Edward Cullen decided he wasn’t going to let me out of his sight for weeks. Also, the plot has arrived – sort of – on page 155 out of 235. That’s gotta be a record of some kind.

“He touched the corner of my eye, trapping one I missed. He lifted his finger, examining the drop of moisture broodingly. Then, so quickly I couldn't be positive that he really did, he put his finger to his mouth to taste it.” He just licked her tears. And she still is not disturbed by this guy. Just… wow.

And here we’re getting into the history fail.

“"Carlisle was born in London, in the sixteen-forties, he believes. Time wasn't marked as accurately then, for the common people anyway.” Except as the son of a prominent minister, Carlisle would have known when he was born. If his father had his own vicarage, he would have known the year. Carlisle should also speak and read Latin and Greek, like all educated boys of his time.

“As the Protestants came into power, he was enthusiastic in his persecution of Roman Catholics and other religions.” First off, what? The Protestants were already in power and had been for over 100 years at that point, and Catholics had been persecuted for over 100 years. As for other religions, what other religions? The Jews were expelled in the 13th century and there sure as hell weren’t any Muslims, Buddhists, or Hindus in England at that time. I think she means the Puritans or perhaps the Presbyterians, but an Anglican pastor would not be so happy about that. After all, it was the Church of England – a Royalist institution. Anglican pastors were often thrown into prison.

“"They burned a lot of innocent people” NO THEY DIDN’T! Witches haven’t been burned in England since at most the 1400’s. The last person burned for heresy (not witchcraft) was in 1612. Witches and other supernatural beings were hanged.

“He actually discovered a coven of true vampires that lived hidden in the sewers of the city, only coming out by night to hunt.” Considering the underground sewer system in London wasn’t built until the 1860’s, and the sewers were open ditches running into the Thames, I’m sure it wasn’t that hard. Perhaps she’s thinking of catacombs, but they didn’t have those in London.

“He hid in a cellar, buried himself in rotting potatoes for three days.” That doesn’t make any sense. Partially because potatoes were not frequently consumed as human food until about 1720, and partially because who leaves a cellar full of rotting potatoes?


  1. The whole fainting kiss scene is really creepy. Also, I loved the history fail section. If you're going to write history like that into your story, you'd better research it first! Sheesh.

  2. So much history fail o__o

  3. WoW... talk about history fail.
    As other people mention... Where is her editor? Because they either a) corrected as much as they could, which is a really scary thought or b) they didn't even look at it (again, kind of scary).
    How come no-one seems to notice?

  4. Your points are just crushing!!!!Really, this is amazing!You should dissect the rest three books too.You have a great talent for that.I enjoy your rant.I am little sad because I used to like Carlisle but now I can see what is he actually.And I though that he is the best of the Cullens.Now I don`t.