Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Chapter 9: Love is Psychotic

“"I thought we were past all the evasiveness," I grumbled.” Again establishing that Bella is a petulant child and Edward is a big, strong grown-up. Also, I know he has super-senses and such, but other drivers don’t. I know it would scare the hell out of me to see a giant silver Volvo bearing down on me at Warp Speed, only to swerve aside at the last moment before collision. How many heart attacks has Edward caused by driving like the Fast and the Fabulous?

“"Fine, then. I followed your scent." He looked at the road, giving me time to compose my face. I couldn't think of an acceptable response to that, but I filed it carefully away for future study. I tried to refocus. I wasn't ready to let him be finished, now that he was finally explaining things.” I admit it. My jaw dropped a little in sheer awe that a paragraph that awkward made it past an editor… though my sojourn into Twilight hell has convinced me that there never was an editor. Or if there was… Good God, can you imagine what this looked like before? This guy has just admitted to her that he tracked her like some sort of demented bloodhound, and instead of thinking “How can he smell me? Why am I in the car with a nut who thinks he can follow me by my scent? This whole thing reminds me of that guy in Silence of the Lambs who Lecter got to kill himself because he said he could smell Clarice’s lady bits…” she starts thinking “Oh, GAWD! He’s so dreamy! I hope he answers all of my questions, most of which would revolve around his penis if I weren’t in a book written by a Mormon housewife!”

This whole scene is just… Edward is an asshole. I understand he’s keeping a whoo-scary secret, but he forces himself into this chick’s life, and when she displays the bare minimum amount of curiosity to suggest that she has a functioning brain, he gets all snippy with her. What kind of mind-reader is he that he thinks he can just save people from car smashing, track them by scent, read minds, and drive like a lunatic without ever having an accident or getting pulled over and then expects them not to be in the least bit curious as to how he pulls off these amazing feats? I guess Edward is also pretty gosh darn stupid, or just monstrously unobservant.

“"Most of the time I tune it all out — it can be very distracting. And then it's easier to seem normal" — he frowned as he said the word — "when I'm not accidentally answering someone's thoughts rather than their words." Red card! Improper use of separating dashes!

“He looked at me, his eyes enigmatic.” *facepalm* You know, I’m only one page into this chapter.

“"My mind doesn't work right? I'm a freak?" The words bothered me more than they should — probably because his speculation hit home. I'd always suspected as much, and it embarrassed me to have it confirmed.” Wait, what? Bella’s so convinced that she’s hot shit, why is she insecure all of a sudden? The only person she hasn’t made her superiority over abundantly clear is Edward.

Also, SMeyer is very inconsistent. When Edward finishes speaking, his sentences should end with a comma and a lower case ‘he’. About ¾ of the time, you get a period followed by a capitalized ‘He’, as if Edward were Jesus. Then you get it done properly. Once again, EDIT FAIL!

“"Aren't we past all the evasions now?" he reminded me softly.” Except when I want to be evasive!

“"Relax, Bella." He rolled his eyes, still not slowing.” Yeah, there’s a real winner of a guy. She just made it abundantly clear that he’s scaring the shit out of her, and his response is to roll his eyes and say he always drives that way. “Stop being such a big baby, I always chain my girlfriends to a wall in the basement and whip them!”

“"Probably," he agreed with a short, hard laugh. "But you can't."” After her comment that he could walk away from a horrific car crash. Way to remind her that she’s a weak, delicate flower.

“"I hate driving slow," he muttered.
"This is slow?"
"Enough commentary on my driving," he snapped.” YIKES! He’s driving over 100 miles an hour, scaring her, messing with her built-in compulsion to follow traffic laws, and then whines like a child when doing the “gracious” thing and slowing down a bit, followed by him getting mad when she asks him for the slight favor of not scaring the shit out of her. If Bella was at all intelligent, she would run away NOW. He likes scaring her and he whines when he doesn’t get his way, then gets mad. Perfect guy, my ass.

“He looked down at me, his honey eyes unexpectedly gentle.” My moods turn on a dime, but I’m a delight! Really!

“I edited all my scheming out of the story” Can’t let Eddie know what a manipulative bitch I am!

And SMeyer is still doing the incorrectly punctuated sentences.
“I just came from the store,” I/he/she said.
“I just came from the store.” I/He/She said.
Are we clear? Dandy.

“"I'd like to have seen that." He chuckled darkly. "And you accused me of dazzling people — poor Jacob Black."” It’s so funny when you break other boy’s hearts. It makes me larf.

“"No," I said softly. "It doesn't matter to me what you are."” Just keep being a very pretty asshole! Don’t change a thing, especially not the scaring me and yelling at me and the whining and the breaking into my house and the calling me stupid and laughing at me.

“A hard, mocking edge entered his voice. "You don't care if I'm a monster? If I'm not human !" Oh, Eddie-kins, you are a monster, but not the kind you think.

“The golden eyes held mine, and I lost my train of thought.” Gawd, how am I expected to think when there’s a pair of pretty eyes not watching the road?

“"This is a mistake?" I heard the sadness in my voice, but I didn't know if he could as well.” How stupid can you get?! He just told you he drinks human blood! You may be Princess Speshul Snowflake, but you’re still a human!

“His words hinted at an end, and I recoiled from the idea. I couldn't waste one minute I had with him.” Not until he eats me, anyway.

“"Tell me more," I asked desperately, not caring what he said, just so I could hear his voice again.” Bella needs to have an orgasm. I don’t care how crude that sounds, but she does, preferably by herself without fantasies of Edward. But we know she never reaches sexual self-discovery, because her happiness is 100% dependent on being glued to Edward.

“"Tell me why you hunt animals instead of people," I suggested, my voice still tinged with desperation. I realized my eyes were wet, and I fought against the grief that was trying to overpower me.” It’s probably just SMeyer’s rotten turn of phrase, but it sounds like she’s getting weepy that he might not think she’s tasty enough to eat.

Typo page 89: “But it keens us strong enough to resist.” I think you mean “keeps”.

“He chuckled. "You are observant, aren't you?"” No, she’s really not, or she would remember the names of the characters in her “favorite” book and she would notice that you throw up red flags like a state highway project.

“I didn't answer; I just listened to the sound of his laugh, committing it to memory.” I guess she’s taking that learn to masturbate advice….

“"I wasn't joking when I asked you to try not to fall in the ocean or get run over last Thursday. I was distracted all weekend, worrying about you.” Oh, this is just textbook. “Baby, I need to keep you close to me because you get hurt when I don’t tell you what to do. I’m not being controlling, I’m protecting you.”

“"Then why weren't any of you in school?" I was frustrated, almost angry as I thought of how much disappointment I had suffered because of his absence.” Dammit, if I can’t obsess over you, what can I do? Be an intelligent, independent human being?

"Don't you see, Bella? It's one thing for me to make myself miserable, but a wholly other thing for you to be so involved." He turned his anguished eyes to the road, his words flowing almost too fast for me to understand. "I don't want to hear that you feel that way." His voice was low but urgent. His words cut me. "It's wrong. It's not safe. I'm dangerous, Bella — please, grasp that."” Oh. My. God. Edward can read minds, so he knows that every woman and quite a few men who so much as glance at him instantly want to jump his pallid, undead bones. He continues forcing himself into Bella’s life, then just barely pulling back with “Oh, aren’t I mysterious and tortured?”, which is a guaranteed panty-melter for most women. And he’s surprised that she’s as obsessed with him as he is with her?

“"No." I tried very hard not to look like a sulky child.
"I'm serious," he growled.
"So am I. I told you, it doesn't matter what you are. It's too late."
His voice whipped out, low and harsh. "Never say that."” SMeyer shows her true colors again: Bella is always the unreasonable one, Edward is always right. And his little displays of temper are sexy.

“"Are you crying?" He sounded appalled.” That often happens when guys yell at girls for no reason, especially girls they’ve led on mercilessly.

“"You were going to fight them?" This upset him.” The weak woman thing show a hint of backbone!? We can’t have that! I’ll bet women who carry guns make Edward Cullen’s penis cry.

“I pulled his jacket off, taking one last whiff.” He smells like iodine and roses.

“It was the same exquisite scent that clung to his jacket, but in a more concentrated form.” *vomit* He pulls her in, blows in her face like she’s a dog he’s trying to tease, and she gets all swoony.

“I thought I heard him chuckle, but the sound was too quiet for me to be certain.” You can be certain that no matter what, Edward will laugh at you.

“"You made it home?" Her voice was relieved… and surprised.” I was actually calling to tell your Dad I thought you had been kidnapped, because a creepy guy from school was acting really, really controlling towards you. After all, despite you treating me like Bitchy McHateful, I’m an ideal friend.

And over the rest of the page, Bella describes a psychotic breakdown. Seriously, her movements, feelings, and sensations are all familiar to the day that I realized my eating disorder was absolutely out of control and that I was enslaved to it. It was the worst moment of my life, and I felt exactly like that, the hot and cold, the ache, the shivers, the nagging fear for my life mixed with apathy for the danger I knew I was in…

“And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.” That is not love. That is psychosis. Get yourself some help.

No comments:

Post a Comment