Sunday, December 6, 2009

12. In Which Death Threats are the Best Possible Foreplay

“"We get permits early on the razz," Jacob said” Do they call reservations ‘razz’? I honestly have no idea…

"I have to get around somehow." I recognized Billy's resonant voice easily, despite the years. Pg 112, another inappropriate italicization. Also, you had completely forgotten that this guy existed, because remembering going fishing with your father and his Injun friend was too painful for you to remember. It’s good to know Bella was always a self-centered little brat, though. It’s not just caused by Edward.

“Then I stood in the door, watching anxiously as Charlie and Jacob helped Billy out of the car and into his wheelchair.” If Bella hadn’t already been established as an absolute monster of selfishness, this could be read charitably. Instead, she’s anxious that Billy is going to tell her it’s a bad idea to date a cannibalistic undead creature and might tell her dad that she’s going around with a murderer. Fun fact – you know who else thought he was only killing the bad people? Hitler.

“Jacob scowled and ducked his head while I fought back a surge of remorse.” Liar. If you were capable of feeling remorse, you wouldn’t spend half your time jerking around his fuzzy little heart.

“"Naw, we ate just before we came," Jacob answered.
"How about you, Charlie?" I called over my shoulder as I fled around the corner.
"Sure," he replied, his voice moving in the direction of the front room and the TV.” Wait, I thought she wasn’t supposed to call him Charlie to his face, because it hurt his feelings. This could be a signal that Charlie doesn’t really care, but since he’s been nothing but caring, this seems more like a mistake.

“"So, how are things?" Jacob asked.
"Pretty good." I smiled. His enthusiasm was hard to resist. "How about you? Did you finish your car?" Wait, what? What enthusiasm? This isn’t even good telling, not showing, because we aren’t told he’s enthusiastic until this moment, and he shows no signs of particular enthusiasm at all during this scene.

“"I think Charlie chewed him out pretty good last time. They haven't spoken much since — tonight is sort of a reunion, I think. I don't think he'd bring it up again."” I think this is more establishing that white people are more reasonable than Native Americans. Billy Black knows what the Cullens are, and is suspicious of them. Charlie only sees Carlisle being a nice ol’ doc, and thinks they’re just so wonderful that he got into a screaming fight with his best friend over how wonderful they are. Maybe this whole family is just unnaturally attracted to the sparklepires… it would explain why laid-back Charlie would form such a strong opinion of how salt of the earth Carlisle is, and why the whole family must then be good. Also… we were told nothing of a coolness between Billy and Charlie. They were fishing together in the beginning of the book.

“pretending to watch the game while Jacob chattered at me. I was really listening to the men's conversation, watching for any sign that Billy was about to rat me out, trying to think of ways to stop him if he began.” I understand she’s worried, but she’s such a disrespectful little puke that I want to smack her.

“"Are you and your friends coming back to the beach soon?" Jacob asked as he pushed his father over the lip of the threshold.” ??? What does that even mean?

“"You take care, Bella," he added seriously.
"Thanks," I muttered, looking away.” GAW. How could he like act like I might need to take some care? Just because my boyfriend has told me that he wants to eat me.

“"Um… Mike Newton," I told him reluctantly.” Why is she so reluctant? Every time she tells him about one of her “friends”, he makes a positive comment about their family and goes along. Maybe she wanted to pretend that Mike’s family was a baby-eating Neo-Nazi group, so she could feel better about shunning him.

“I hurried so I would be ready to go the second Charlie left. I had my bag ready, shoes on, teeth brushed, but even though I rushed to the door as soon as I was sure Charlie would be out of sight, Edward was faster. He was waiting in his shiny car, window down, engine off.” Why are they sneaking around? WHY?! It makes no logical sense! Charlie thinks the Cullens are the nicest people in town! He got into an argument with his best friend over just how super-wonderful they are! So why in the names of all the gods that have ever been named are these two little brats playing out their “forbidden” fantasy as if it’s actually legitimate?

“He grinned his crooked smile at me, stopping my breath and my heart. I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious.” So… anyone else realize that there is no actual description of Edward? He’s pale, red haired, golden eyed, and has lean muscles and a crooked mouth. Nothing else. He’s just OMG BYOOTIFUL THOUGH!!!

“There was nothing about him that could be improved upon.” How about his personality?

“"How did you sleep?" he asked. I wondered if he had any idea how appealing his voice was.
"Fine. How was your night?"
"Pleasant." His smile was amused; I felt like I was missing an inside joke.” Good God. That is all kinds of levels of creepy.

“"Can I ask what you did?" I asked.
"No." He grinned. "Today is still mine."” The day is always yours, Sparkle-pants. She got to ask about five questions, you get to spend two days asking every single random thought that comes into your head, and when she dares to protest, you get mad and sulk.

“embarrassing me when he asked about boys I'd dated. I was relieved that I'd never really dated anyone, so that particular conversation couldn't last long.” You know, you don’t have to answer any of his questions. The only question he’s really entitled to ask you about your previous romantic history is whether you have any venereal diseases.

“"So you never met anyone you wanted?" he asked in a serious tone that made me wonder what he was thinking about.
I was grudgingly honest. "Not in Phoenix."” Why wonder what he’s thinking about? He’s just found another way to control you.

“His lips pressed together into a hard line.” It makes me so mad that you like me! How dare you!?

“"That’s okay, it's not that far of a walk."
He frowned at me impatiently. "I'm not going to make you walk home. We'll go get your truck and leave it here for you."” You know, I would be really uncomfortable with that. My boyfriend has driven my car without me in it, but we’ve been dating for a long time, and he doesn’t drive like Batman on his way to foil the Joker. Also, Edward just keeps on showing how unreasonable he is, by making a simple day much more complicated because he has to have her totally in his control for an extra 10 minutes a day.

“"I don't have my key with me," I sighed. "I really don't mind walking." What I minded was losing my time with him.” I weep for her. This poor deluded little fool.

“"All right," I agreed, pursing my lips. I was pretty sure my key was in the pocket of a pair of jeans I wore Wednesday, under a pile of clothes in the laundry room. Even if he broke into my house, or whatever he was planning, he'd never find it. He seemed to feel the challenge in my consent. He smirked, overconfident.” She seems quite okay with the idea of him breaking into her house. I wonder why her dad doesn’t have Brint or something.

“I refused to be convinced to fear him, no matter how real the danger might be. It doesn't matter, I repeated in my head.” You idiot. OF COURSE THE DANGER MATTERS! HE WANTS TO KILL YOU!

“"What time will I see you tomorrow?" I asked, already depressed by the thought of him leaving now.” Wow, co-dependent much?

“His voice turned sharp. "And if you don't come home, what will he think?"
"I have no idea," I answered coolly. "He knows I've been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe he'll think I fell in the washer."” He has just threatened to kill you again. How insane does one have to be to answer that with a stupid joke?

“He scowled at me and I scowled back. His anger was much more impressive than mine.” She’s even fascinated by his anger. Which will make it that much easier for him to become a woman-beating lout. Or, you know, to kill her, which he just admitted that he was very likely to do.

“He seemed bemused by my casual reference to his secret realities.” That is a terrible line. Nothing special, I just wanted to call all my reader’s attention to the fact that this line is awful.

“They sat staring off in different directions, exactly the same as the first time I'd seen them.” *snerk* I just got a mental image of all of them facing different directions with fish-stares. No wonder no one wants to talk to the Cullens.

“"They don't understand why I can't leave you alone."
I grimaced. "Neither do I, for that matter."” How I wish that was a Meta-Bella line, instead of a low self-esteem line.

“"I have a better than average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. But you… you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise."” First off, no you really don’t. Edward knows nothing about humans. At all. Second off, she only takes him by surprise because he isn’t in her head 100% of the time. If I knew what was going to happen right before it happened, I would think people were predictable too. But he doesn’t know people’s patterns because he knows human nature – he knows because he’s a mind-reader. I think SMeyer was going for a Charles Xavier thing, except Professor X does have a terrific grasp of human nature.

“I felt his eyes on my face but I couldn't look at him yet, afraid he might read the chagrin in my eyes.” YOU ARE NOT CHAGRINED!

“I looked back at Edward — and I knew he could see the confusion and fear that widened my eyes.” So she is capable of being afraid of people who want to kill her… if she doesn’t want to do them.

“I realized slowly that his words should frighten me. I waited for that fear to come, but all I could seem to feel was an ache for his pain.” This is supposed to show that they have a real loving love, but instead, it just makes her look stupid.

“her short, inky hair in a halo of spiky disarray around her exquisite, elfin face” That is terrible description. It’s more flowery than a funeral and a wedding being held in the same place.

“Her slight frame was willowy” *eye roll* Was it also slender?

“"Safe in Forks — what a challenge."
"For you it is a challenge." His jaw hardened. "Promise."” DO WHAT I SAY WEAK WOMAN THING!

“And Edward was worried about the time we'd spent together publicly… if things went wrong. I refused to dwell on the last thought, concentrating instead on making things safer for him.” So instead, you’re going to try to throw suspicion of your murder around a little bit so that he has plenty of time to get away. That’s sweet of you.

“My decision was made, made before I'd ever consciously chosen, and I was committed to seeing it through. Because there was nothing more terrifying to me, more excruciating, than the thought of turning away from him. It was an impossibility.” No, it’s not. You’re just a weak-willed baby who is easily swayed by a pretty face and a bad attitude.

“The lies came more naturally than usual, I noted with surprise.” There’s a good lesson for young girls. Lie! It gets easier the more you do it!

“"You know, you could come to the dance with our group anyway — that would be cool. We'd all dance with you," he promised.
The mental image of Jessica's face made my tone sharper than necessary.
"I'm not going to the dance, Mike, okay?"
"Fine." He sulked again. "I was just offering."” My God, this girl is an ungrateful bitch. Mike is being really, really nice. He thinks she doesn’t want to go because she wouldn’t be able to dance with people, so he says that she can come with the group and everyone will dance. I don’t see him actually sulking, but being rather hurt that she’s getting all snappish with him when he just offered to do something nice.

“The sound of the truck roaring to life frightened me. I laughed at myself.” Chicks, huh?

“Following the same instinct that had prompted me to lie to Mike, I called Jessica on the pretense of wishing her luck at the dance. When she offered the same wish for my day with Edward, I told her about the cancellation.” Got to give him that alibi so my murder is never solved, or better yet, thrown upon an innocent bystander! I hope they get the chair!

“She was more disappointed than really necessary for a third-party observer to be.” Maybe she’s just being sympathetic that this guy that you really, really like has suddenly flaked on you, and is sad that her instincts about Edward being a no-good-nik were accurate.

“I felt so guilty for deceiving him that I almost took Edward's advice and told him where I would be. Almost.” Aw, Dad, I hope they don’t accuse you of my murder.

“He wants me to be safe, I told myself again and again. I would just hold on to the faith that, in the end, that desire would win out over the others. And what was my other choice — to cut him out of my life? Intolerable. Besides, since I'd come to Forks, it really seemed like my life was about him.
But a tiny voice in the back of my mind worried, wondering if it would hurt very much… if it ended badly.” This clinches it. Bella is insane, and would probably be one of those women who marries serial killers in prison because only she understands him. She would have fit in very well with the Manson family, if only Charles were more handsome.

“I knew I was far too stressed to sleep, so I did something I'd never done before. I deliberately took unnecessary cold medicine — the kind that knocked me out for a good eight hours. I normally wouldn't condone that type of behavior in myself, but tomorrow would be complicated enough without me being loopy from sleep deprivation on top of everything else. While I waited for the drugs to kick in, I dried my clean hair till it was impeccably straight, and fussed over what I would wear tomorrow.” O.O So this book also condones drug use, if it’s for an important reason, like looking really pretty the next day. Thank God Bella is naturally skinny, otherwise we might get ‘I threw up dinner’ or ‘I didn’t eat for three days’.

“I woke early, having slept soundly and dreamlessly thanks to my gratuitous drug use.” And she just keeps hammering away that it was totally okay for her to take drugs in a manner inconsistent with their directions.

“He wasn't smiling at first — his face was somber.” Good morning, Bella. I’ve come to kill you. Do you mind if we drive to the coast, so I can throw your corpse into the sea?

“"Good morning," he chuckled.
"What's wrong?" I glanced down to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything important, like shoes, or pants.” So she knows that he only laughs at people.

“"We match." He laughed again.” I have an uncomfortable feeling that he did that on purpose while she was sleeping her drugged sleep.

“I laughed with him, hiding a secret twinge of regret — why did he have to look like a runway model when I couldn't?” It’s all about looks.

“He waited by the passenger door with a martyred expression that was easy to understand.” No, it’s really not. You’ve never been shown as anything but a good driver, so why is it such a sacrifice? It’s just because he can’t control your movements.

“"We're hiking?" Thank goodness I'd worn tennis shoes.
"Is that a problem?" He sounded as if he'd expected as much.” Because Bella’s no good unless she’s being carried around like a child.

“We drove in silence for a while as I contemplated the coming horror.” Bella is a whining baby, blah blah, you know the rest.

“"What are you thinking?" he asked impatiently after a few moments.” I can’t stand five seconds of silence!

“"But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?" He seemed cheered by the idea.
"No, I told her you canceled on me — which is true."
"No one knows you're with me?" Angrily, now.” Well, for once he has a bit of a right to be angry… except the whole forcing his presence on her when he should have the cojones to stay away.

“"Are you so depressed by Forks that it's made you suicidal?" he demanded when I ignored him.
"You said it might cause trouble for you… us being together publicly," I reminded him.
"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause me — if you don't come home?" His voice was still angry, and bitingly sarcastic.” I haven’t threatened to murder you enough times this morning! Really, Edward is the only person in this book more selfish than Bella. Also, the italics are really weird there.

“We were silent for the rest of the drive. I could feel the waves of infuriated disapproval rolling off of him, and I could think of nothing to say.” He has no right to disapprove. If he wanted, he could call anyone and tell them where you are, because I can’t imagine that he doesn’t have a cell phone. But instead, he’s mad that he might actually have to make a conscious decision not to murder her (trust me, I have a lot of sympathy for that urge), instead of just not murdering her because someone would be sure to know it was him.

“afraid because he was angry with me and I didn't have driving as an excuse not to look at him.” You should never be afraid of your SO.

“"I won't let you get lost." He turned then, with a mocking smile, and I stifled a gasp.” Edward appears half-naked in front of her, so that she’d follow him to the ends of the earth, because she is the most sexually frustrated girl alive.

“It wasn't as hard as I had feared.” Nothing ever is.

“I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness.” If Edward knew as much about human nature as he claims, he would know that all girls feel ugly at some points. There isn’t a girl alive who is 100% secure in her appearance all the time, and standing next to a nearly shirtless supermodel probably doesn’t help.

“He asked about my birthdays, my grade school teachers, my childhood pets — and I had to admit that after killing three fish in a row, I'd given up on the whole institution. He laughed at that, louder than I was used to — bell-like echoes bouncing back to us from the empty woods.” The death of helpless animals is funny! Also, why her grade school teachers? WHY? It makes no sense.

1 comment:

  1. I just thought that maybe you'd like to know that I'm attempting to rewrite Twilight with a different main character (ironically named Bellatrix and hates the nickname Bella because that's just my sense of humour)that's going to react as I (an ordinary teenage girl) would have to the creepy things Edward does. I'm going to use your site as inspiration for it, if that's okay with you.