Chapter 1: Enter the Whining
Preface: Juvenile, heavy-handed. Immature writing, telling, not showing. “I stared without breathing across the long room” 0-0
Bella: is a spoiled, whining bitch. Seriously. Escaped? Oh, woe. It’s cloudy up there.
Erratic, harebrained mother? Wide childlike eyes? How did this ditz get custody if her witless, clumsy beyond reason teenage daughter takes care of her?
“Neither of us was what anyone would call verbose”- oh, Bella, you lying bitch. "Talkative" and "verbose" do not mean the same thing. If the only sentence I said all day was "The rancorous insufflation of Boreas is markedly gelid this forenoon", I would not be talkative, but I would be verbose.
“Charlie, to his face”- disrespectful little punk. What's Charlie ever done to her, beyond living in a small town? Oh, right, that's a sin, because Bella needs to be a princess in a sunny castle.
“My clothes were too permeable”- Unless she's talking about her Hazmat suit or her deep sea diving equipment, how about “My clothes were too light”? How’s that for not being verbose?
“Blocking painful, unnecessary things”- because hanging out with Indians is soooo icky. Almost like getting raped.
“Wow. Free.”- I can hear your enthusiasm, you little snot. Your father is bending over backwards for you, and all you can do is complain that there's too much greenery about.
Typo page 6- Conversation capitalized incorrectly
“Now my horrific day tomorrow would be just that much less dreadful”- Drama queen. I was a pessimist at 16 too, but honestly? She’s laying it on way too thick.
“I tried not to dwell too much on that fact”- because sharing a bathroom is much like being sent to work in the salt mines.
“Ivory-skinned, slender, but soft”- yeah, right, you’re an ugly hag. A girl who really thought she was ugly would have said ‘fish-belly white’, 'scrawny', or ‘flabby’
“Never in harmony with me”- okay, that would be good telling in a more self-aware book. Bella is the center of the universe: she is a grade A speshul snowflake, and she thinks everyone needs to conform to her.
How dare my own father display pictures of me! A whole mantel full of pictures of his only child, like he was *EW!* related to me or something!
“Jacket, biohazard suit” *eyeroll*
Grammar mistakes on describing the school
Yes, Bella, everyone in town is talking about you, because you’re so speshul
“She brought several sheets to the counter to show roe” ???
“No one was going to bite me” I see what you did thar
Ugh, how dare this boy be friendly!? He’s all ugly and stuff. There's actually a bit of good description of him physically- "hair like an oil slick". That's good- you can see that it's black and get the feeling that it's also greasy. But good God, does she have to judge him on what he looks like the second she meets him? SMeyer keeps telling us that Bella's so mature, but then contradicts herself constantly.
What sense of humor? That wasn’t being sarcastic, that was being bitchy (She makes a crack about being half albino, because she's so unnaturally pale)
And Adoraklutz strikes! On page 10, where she shows herself to be a close-minded bitch again. Yawn, English is boring. Man, I hate math and anyone who teaches it.
God, how come these people are so pushy? They keep trying to talk to me! And ew, they’re all ugly. I mean, this girl has BIG HAIR!
And the Cullens sit there, totally ignoring everything, looking as sullen and rebellious and James-Dean-like as possible
“Unpopular names”? Seriously?
“Jealousy” because everyone is jealous and spiteful towards pretty people. It has nothing to do with them being mean and snobbish. You totally understand that, because you're totally the hot shit in this school, despite being so ugly and woefully misunderstood.
“A clear case of sour grapes” Yeah, nothing to do with them being snobs
Adoraklutz, page 12
Typo page 13 “The phra seif”
Oh, he’s thrilled, anyone would be to walk next to YOU!
“Forks was literally my personal hell on Earth”
“He didn’t appear to notice the sound of my entrance”. How about "He didn't seem to hear me come in". Man, Bella, you take verbose to new levels.
“He argued in a low, attractive voice” -_-
Random insert on how crazy handsome he is and how is voice is like velvet. His personality has already made him ugly
Current counter: Three mentions of how hot Edward is, average 1 typo per five pages. Zero conversations.