I’d make a comment on why can’t Bella enjoy a basketball game, but Adoraklutz totally hates all sports for a reason beyond that sports aren’t “feminine”.
“desperate now to find the sun.” And here goes Smeyer, beating away with the symbolism stick. Edward is the sun. Every thing else is blackness and darkness. Geddit?
“In his place was a large red-brown wolf with black eyes.” Because Native Americans are just like wolves. More clumsy foreshadowing.
“Fishing again.” I don’t know why she assumes this… he is the Chief of Police. Then again, she doesn’t seem in the least bit interested in his comings and goings.
The following is 208 words that do nothing to advance the plot. I get it- dial-up is slow. I remember from my own days using dial-up. But this scene has the same dramatic pacing as bridge construction, to quote Dave Barry.
Another typo, page 64: Throughout the vast shadowy world of ghosts and demons there is no figure so terrible, no figure so dreaded and abhorred, yet dight with such fearful fascination,
Well, she actually gets the myth of the Danag correct… which is surprising, given how she completely screws up the much more important mythology of the Quileute.
And she’s back to making things up. While the myth of the “Charitable Witch Doctor” (the actual translation of Stregoni benefici [why is only the first word italicized?]) isn’t too bad, it makes no sense that it would be applied to a vampire. It seems more like something that fought against vampires would be classified as something else- see Abraham van Helsing.
“I decided that most of the blame belonged on the doorstep of the town of Forks — and the entire sodden Olympic Peninsula, for that matter.” Yes, that’s the only reason anyone in the world looks up vampires. God forbid she have an interest in something.
“My sense of direction was hopeless; I could get lost in much less helpful surroundings.” I’m kind of torn on this. On one hand, it makes Bella into a totally helpless female yet again. On the other, I also have a terrible sense of direction. I guess I’ll take this as another token attempt at making her flawed.
“There were many I didn't know, and others I couldn't be sure about because they were so covered in green parasites.” Parasites? What on God’s green earth is she talking about? Moss? Or leaves? Also, I doubt that Bella is the kind of good Junior Chipmunk who can identify different trees by their bark.
Typos again, page 66: And the way be [paragraph break] sometimes spoke.
“with unfamiliar cadences and phrases that better fit the style of a turn-of-the-century novel than that of a twenty-first-century classroom.” There’s no evidence of this. His inflections may sound old-fashioned, but his speech definitely does not. The only “turn-of-the-century phrase” I can think of would be that he called her “absurd” instead of “stupid”.
Also, minor quibble, but she was talking about the collective traits of the Cullens, then switches to Edward in particular, then continues with the collective traits of the Cullens without specifying which is just him and which are all of them.
“Something outside the possibility of rational justification was taking place in front of my incredulous eyes.” This just sounds… fake. Like she wrote down: “I couldn’t believe what was happening- the ridiculous things playing out in front of my own eyes”, then shook her head, decided it wasn’t pretentious enough, and re-wrote it.
Just wanted to mention the abuse of dashes. She could have used commas about six times, but used giant dashes instead.
“I was gripped in a sudden agony of despair as I considered that alternative.” *tuts* Oh, Meta-Bella, where have you gone? Edward has been nothing but bad news to you. Why would it be agony to dose him with his own medicine? Why are you so weak?
“After all, if he was something… sinister, he'd done nothing to hurt me so far.” There should be an ‘even’ before the ‘if’. Otherwise it makes no sense grammatically.
“I didn't know if there ever was a choice, really. I was already in too deep.” This is clichéd as well as being totally untrue. She can easily walk away and tell Edward to get stuffed. She won’t, though, because she sees his obnoxious, disrespectful behavior hides a fluffy frightened bunny rabbit of a man… except it doesn’t.
“Sometimes the relief was tainted by despair, like my decision to come to Forks.” It’s been almost 3 pages since I’ve reminded you readers that Forks sucks big time.
“I opened the window — surprised when it opened silently, without sticking, not having opened it in who knows how many years — and sucked in the relatively dry air.” Foreshadowing that Edward has been most creepily stalking her, and being such an abysmal excuse for a man that he would put the woman he loves in mortal danger for his own gratification.
Typo page 68: “watching the dust moats stirring in the sunlight that streamed in
the back window.” Do they have little castles too?
“With a sigh, I folded it over my arm and stepped out into the brightest light I'd seen in months.” Can anyone figure out this timeline? She arrives in Forks on a Saturday or maybe a Sunday. She starts school on Monday, meets Edward, he disappears. By Friday (mentioned on page 19) she recognizes the people at school. The La Push trip- that first Friday - is two weeks away. Edward returns on a Monday or a Tuesday after her first weekend in Forks. According to this chapter, she went to the beach the day before yesterday. She has been there for three weeks… and the weather has gone from perma-chill that requires a parka to tropical rainforest. What time of year is this supposed to be?
I heard someone call, and it sounded like Mike. I looked around to realize that the school had become populated while I'd been sitting there, absentminded.” I’m not verbose, I’m just overly wordy.
“Everyone was in t-shirts, some even in shorts though the temperature couldn't be over sixty.” And yet, two weeks ago, there was a foot of snow on the ground.
“He was so delighted to see me, I couldn't help but feel gratified.” Yeah, I totally believe he’s a huge jerk who’s just trying to get into Bella’s pants. Why is it that SMeyer has to ret-con everyone into worse than Edward?
“His tone was just a bit too proprietary.” Holy Thesaurus Abuse, Batman! Also, why does she go all melty when Edward talks to her like property?
“"Whether Shakespeare's treatment of the female characters is misogynistic."” So she does know that such a thing exists.
“I was far too lost in my own frenzy of anticipation to notice much of what she said.” Bella = Worst. Friend. Ever.
“I shambled along behind Jessica, not bothering to pretend to listen anymore.” If I can’t ogle pretty people, your chatter is worth nothing. I don’t care if this hurts your feelings.
“Angela asked a few quiet questions about the Macbeth paper, which I answered as naturally as I could while spiraling downward in misery.” Um… Edward disappeared from school for an entire week. It’s not like this is unusual behavior, and it’s certainly not healthy that you get so totally fixated on seeing someone who is unfailingly rude and demeaning towards you that your entire emotional equilibrium is thrown.
“In Gym, we had a lecture on the rules of badminton, the next torture they had lined up for me.” Yes, Princess, it’s all about you. Your teachers had a conference and said ‘How can we make Princess Special Snowflake miserable?’. Badminton they decided.
“Never mind that the day after they would arm me with a racket before unleashing me on the rest of the class.” Wow, she’s really not listening. At worst, there will be one other person on the court with her for her to whack with the racket. She makes it sound like she’s going to run amuck, beating everyone with the racket before she’s finally taken down by tranquilizers, rather than she’ll just swing wildly and fall down. That would be far more entertaining, actually.
“I was glad to leave campus, so I would be free to pout and mope before I went out tonight with Jessica and company.” Oh, you’re aware that you’re behaving like a two-year-old?
Establishing her mother as a clinging twit. Although, why couldn’t Bella just communicate with her mother from time to time. This is an extra sore spot with me, as I don’t have a mother to communicate with… and Bella claims her mother is her “best friend”. Then again, considering Bella ignores her “best friends” or thinks snarky thoughts on how ugly they are, I guess it’s par for the course.
Typo, page 71: only to remember after I began three that the hero of the story happened to be named Edward.
“I snapped the book shut, annoyed, and rolled over onto my back.” I have a hard time believing she gets anything out of reading, if she forgets the names of the lead characters of her “favorite” novels. That definitely points to a major lack of reading comprehension. Then again, the fact that she thinks her and Edward’s relationship mirrors Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy’s also speaks to a major lack of reading comprehension…
“I looked around, muddled, with the sudden feeling that I wasn't alone.” Now that I’ve spent hours staring at you napping in your backyard, I’ll be back tonight to continue the watching game.
“And it felt good, despite my depression, to make him happy.” You’re not depressed, you overdramatizing brat.
“I sighed as I gave him the details.” God, there he goes again. Wanting to know about the people I spend time with, as if he were my actual father.
“"I don't know how you survived," I muttered,” I hate being reminded that one of my parents isn’t an overgrown infant.
“I vowed to myself that I would be in a good mood tonight and not ruin Angela's or Jessica's enjoyment in the dress hunting.” Bella makes an effort to be a good friend. That wasn’t so bad, was it?
“I left a note for Charlie on the table, explaining again where to find dinner,” Again, I hate being reminded that one of my parents isn’t totally dependent on me. Having real adults around makes me look as immature as I really am.