Chapter 20: In Which Dull Trivialities Get Duller

"This room was too bland to belong anywhere but in a hotel." Have to give props for a decent sentence, especially since they are few and far between. I think the last one was in chapter 8.

"The engine was almost silent, though we'd raced across the black freeways at
more than twice the legal speed." So Alice doesn't have to look out for cops either? If her visions of the future rely on choices, can she tell if the local highway patrolman had decided to go get a sandwich? Also, Bella describes her memory as being hazy and fuzzy, but for what reason? Is the trauma so great that she can't remember what she did or is doing, or did they slip something into her juice?

"And I remembered Alice sitting with me on the dark leather backseat. Somehow, during the long night, my head had ended up against her granite neck. My closeness didn't seem to bother her at all, and her cool, hard skin was oddly comforting to me. The front of her thin cotton shirt was cold, damp with the tears that streamed from my eyes until, red and sore, they ran dry." Except for the weirdness about the granite neck, this reads as more gentle, loving behavior on Alice's part than Bella has ever gotten out of Edward.

"the dead look in Edward's eyes after he kissed me the last time…" What? They're going to be parted for maybe a week. She's not in any real danger – just an illusion of danger, because they are all much too stupid to work out anything sensible.

"my arm draped over Alice's shoulder and her arm firm around my waist, dragging me along as I stumbled through the warm, dry shadows." Seems like that would be something the people in the hotel would ask about... two teens are dragging a barely conscious girl into a hotel at the break of dawn and demanding a room.

She's still doing the '"Hi." I said' thing. It's annoying. Carry on.

And... this whole scene is weirdly boring and weirdly strange. Alice is tiptoeing around, takes Bella by the hand to lead her into the next room, and then she and Jasper sit like statues and stare at the TV. Why? Is it because Bella eating is tempting? Or because Smeyer couldn't think of anything else for them to do?

""And should he have called by now?" I could see that I was near the mark. Alice's eyes
flitted from mine to the phone on top of her leather bag and back.
"What does that mean?" My voice quavered, and I fought to control it. "That he hasn't
called yet?"
"It just means that they don't have anything to tell us."
But her voice was too even, and the air was harder to breathe." Bella is being an overdramatizing nit again. Lather, rinse, repeat if desired.


""Bella, Bella, stop," he interrupted me, his words pouring out so quickly they were hard
to understand. "You're worrying about all the wrong things, Bella. Trust me on this —
none of us are in jeopardy. You are under too much strain as it is; don't add to it with
wholly unnecessary worries. Listen to me!" he ordered, for I had looked away. "Our
family is strong. Our only fear is losing you."
"But why should you —"
Alice interrupted this time, touching my cheek with her cold fingers. "It's been almost a
century that Edward's been alone. Now he's found you. You can't see the changes that we
see, we who have been with him for so long. Do you think any of us want to look into his
eyes for the next hundred years if he loses you?"" So... this whole obsession with Edward's favorite little flower sandwich is because he'd be unbearably annoying if he lost her? …. Actually, that's kind of reasonable. I'll accept that.

"Alice called down to the front desk and asked them to ignore our maid service for now." Why not just hang the little sign on the door?

"My babysitters handled the suspense better than I did. As I fidgeted and paced, they
simply grew more still, two statues whose eyes followed me imperceptibly as I moved." Edward must've been absolutely impossible to live with before he met her, or why would they go to this sort of trouble for someone as patently unlikable as Bella?

"I was beginning to wonder exactly what sort of instructions
Edward had given her." Said because Alice follows her into the bedroom. I don't know what to say, beyond that would be an excellent opening for a femslash fic. Or that how come Edward gets to order everyone else around?

""Edward doesn't want me to tell you that," she said firmly, but I sensed she didn't agree." Again, why is it his business what Alice does or doesn't say to her? Why is he the most important member of the family?

"She looked at me with her splendid, wise eyes… choosing." It's kind of weird that Alice is the only one with any descriptor of intelligence or wisdom applied to her, when she generally functions as a frivolous Plot-in-the-Box device. But also, why is it a choice? Is Edward's anger that scary?

And Alice explains the magical venom... but it's still a stupid explanation, because there is no reason for any of it. It just plain doesn't make any sense, especially since Smeyer said her vampires were more scientific. She throws around things like 'carnivorous flower', but it still doesn't make sense.

""Just the mirrors, and the gold. It's a band, around the room. And there's a black table
with a big stereo, and a TV. He's touching the VCR there, but he doesn't watch the way he does in the dark room. This is the room where he waits."" This makes Bella's idiotic running off even more idiotic. I didn't know that the VCR and TV were specifically mentioned in the book, but if Bella had one functioning brain cell, she might realize a bit of this "brilliant" plan. But even though we've been told Bella is smart, she runs on pure emotion. She never thinks, or reasons, or discusses. She just does because of how she feels – and her emotions are all too basic to produce good reactions or good decisions. Maybe this is why I hate her so much, seeing as how I'm apparently a Vulcan, but the slightest bit of careful deliberation would improve her vastly as a character.

""Whatever made him get on that plane… it was leading him to those rooms."" How did the Barefoot Contessa there get on a plane? Did he just pretend that he forgot his shoes at security? Also... don't try to tell me that airport security wouldn't be hassling a barefoot guy with red eyes sniffing every person in his immediate vicinity?

""Bella," he sighed in frustration, "I told you not to worry about anything but yourself."" I see you've been disobeying again, weak woman thing. That's at least a week in the closet for you.

"We think he's heading back to Forks to start over."" This is still stupid. Bella hasn't been in Forks for over 48 hours. If it did rain as much as she claimed, there would not be one iota of her scent left anywhere. Even if it didn't, there still shouldn't be much of her scent left at all, and definitely none that could hold up for 1,583 miles, according to Google Maps. Also... earlier Bella said the drive was a 3-day one. I'd estimate two days if you stopped for a rest... which they don't. Apparently they drive all night without stopping for Bella to do her necessaries. I hate to speculate, but is anyone else reminded of the Lisa Nowak case?

""I know, Bella. Believe me, I know. It's like you've taken half my self away with you."" Because that's not creepy and co-dependent to say to your girlfriend of maybe three months.

""Could you believe that, despite everything I've put you through, I love you, too?"" *facepalm*Could he be less self-aware? Seriously, even if this was an apology for his despicable behavior, it wouldn't be near enough. Yet she thinks it's sweet.
"As soon as the phone went dead, the cloud of depression began to creep over me again." Right, Bella Swan knows all about depression. She once read a book about it. Well, not so much a book as a paragraph in her Phys. Ed. textbook, but she knows everything about being depressed.

""It's a ballet studio," I said, suddenly recognizing the familiar shapes.
They looked at me, surprised." How come those two couldn't recognize one? I'd know a ballet studio, and I've never been inside one in my life. Or are they surprised that she would state something so patently obvious?

""They don't have a permanent number except at the house — she's supposed to check
her messages regularly."" Well, isn't that convenient. This is supposed to take place in 2003 or 2004, right? How is it that a baseball player wouldn't have a cell phone?

"For a while, Alice sketched the vague outline of the dark room from her vision, as much as she could see in the light from the TV." Wait, I thought they could see in the dark.

Chapter 19: Where the Snarker Waxes Philosophical

“My mind was blank as I tried to think of a way to make him let me go. This wasn't going to be pleasant.” It isn’t going to be sensible, either. Really, this is one of the stupidest plans in the history of stupid plans. There’s a reason why, if being tracked by dogs, one should always head for water. Dogs cannot smell feet in water. So why in God’s name should a vampire be able to smell genetic residue that he couldn’t smell five feet away, if they simply move her for a short time? Yes, we drop huge amounts of genetic material every day, but dumping Bella in a bathtub of tomato juice should be effective against this tracker. Keep her inside for a few days, with Edward, Alice, and Emmett guarding the windows if they’re so worried. Fake a call from Renée, begging Bella to stay with her a couple days and load Bella into an airplane en route to Bermuda. Surely a vampire who couldn’t afford shoes can’t afford a plane ticket, and what do they think he’ll do? Hack flight records on his laptop? Follow the smell of jet fuel? Because every single character in this book is affected with a terminal case of the stupids, Bella is going to crush her father for no good reason at all. Also, out of curiosity, what were they planning on doing when the situation got resolved? Tell Bella to pretend it was all a really bad joke?

“I felt moisture filling up my eyes as I looked at Emmett. I barely knew him, and yet, somehow, not knowing when I would see him again after tonight was anguishing.” Bella is such a twat. Really, she is. She doesn’t give a tinker’s toot about Emmett, it’s just what he represents – eternal youth and sexiness.

“"Fifteen minutes," he warned under his breath.” WHY!?! If James can’t smell her five feet away, there is no way in hell he can find her scent fast enough around town to find her house, especially since she has a car and has been driving everywhere. Last I checked, gas fumes do not smell like freesia.

“"I love you," I said in a low, intense voice. "I will always love you, no matter what happens now."” I could harp on the fact that this is not love by any stretch of the imagination, but instead I am going to call your attention to the blatant Day Time TV of that line. Seriously, it reads like a 12 year old wrote it in her Harry/Draco/Snape slash fic.

“"Nothing is going to happen to you, Bella," he said just as fiercely.
"Just follow the plan, okay? Keep Charlie safe for me. He's not going to like me very much after this, and I want to have the chance to apologize later."
"Get inside, Bella. We have to hurry." His voice was urgent.
"One more thing," I whispered passionately. "Don't listen to another word I say tonight!"” More stilted, awkward dialogue. You know, the interesting thing about the fanfic level writing… it could easily be extrapolated that Bella and Edward talk like they’re in a bad romance film and act so melodramatic all the time is because they are consciously or subconsciously overcompensating for the fact that they are not in love. Bella has been established as a deluded nitwit, and Edward is incredibly lacking in self-awareness, but they could have easily fooled themselves into saying everything just the right way and doing everything just the right way, because without the script, they have nothing.

“"I'm going borne,"” Typo, page 185. Should be “home”

For some context, Bella is acting like a sane woman would towards Edward’s attentions – shrieking at him to leave and slamming the door in his face. Charlie is understandably worried. She acts like it’s his fault… and you would think this extremely oddball occurrence would get mentioned again. As far as I can tell from series synopses, the fact that she re-appears several days later in the hospital, with Edward by her side, is never questioned. If my daughter skipped town because some guy had been being a creep to her, then re-appeared beaten half to hell, with Creepazoid next to her telling me she fell and they’re in love again…

“Edward's capable hands pushed mine away and zipped it smoothly.” Because Edward is better than her, you see.

“I could think of only one way to escape, and it involved hurting him so much that I hated myself for even considering it.” Liar. You’ve had nothing but contempt for him since page one, but we’re supposed to forget all of that because she tells us she feels bad.

“"Just let me go, Charlie." I repeated my mother's last words as she'd walked out this same door so many years ago. I said them as angrily as I could manage, and I threw the door open. "It didn't work out, okay? I really, really hate Forks!"” Poor Chuck, loving crazy, emotionally abusive harridans so much.

“"I can drive," I said through the tears pouring down my cheeks.
His long hands unexpectedly gripped my waist, and his foot pushed mine off the gas pedal. He pulled me across his lap, wrenching my hands free of the wheel, and suddenly he was in the driver's seat.” Obviously, his complete lack of respect for her personal autonomy is love of the most elegant kind.

“"But it won't be all right when I'm not with you," I whispered.” Nobody talks like this.

“"Bella, don't you dare waste time worrying about me. Your only concern is keeping yourself safe and — please, please —trying not to be reckless."” But of course, since Bella is a child and incapable of logical thought, she does something reckless, and by reckless, I mean stupid.

“"You can't bring him down. I've never seen anything like him in my three hundred years. He's absolutely lethal. That's why I joined his coven."” Yes, but they could easily thwart him with modern technology, and yet they don’t. Also, I don’t care how lethal he is. One or possibly two vampires against seven. Really.

“"Don't underestimate James. He's got a brilliant mind and unparalleled senses. He's every bit as comfortable in the human world as you seem to be, and he won't come at you head on…” We have seen no evidence of any of that, and having seen the movie, we won’t see any evidence of that. James is less of a threat than Vinnie from Gargoyles, or the first villain of the week from any superhero cartoon. He’s incompetent and yet somehow magical – we are shown vividly that his brilliance relies on his quarry being idiotic, which is why Bella is right up his ally. Yet everyone talks about how smart and tough he is when there is absolutely no reason for any of it.

“Esme was already moving; her hand touched an inconspicuous keypad on the wall, and with a groan, huge metal shutters began sealing up the glass wall.” Why do they have such a thing? I know they’re richer than God, but why the James Bond Panic Room? It makes no sense.

“"Get her upstairs and trade clothes," Edward commanded. She stared back at him with livid disbelief.
"Why should I?" she hissed. "What is she to me? Except a menace — a danger you've chosen to inflict on all of us."” Good point. Why should she put herself in danger? We’re never given an explanation for why Edward’s happiness is more important than Rosalie’s safety, it’s just assumed that that’s the way it should be and Rosalie is just a selfish bint who only thinks of herself. I would risk my life to save my sister-in-law, but I love my brother and I love my sister-in-law. Rosalie and Edward do not like each other, and Rosalie has met Bella a total of twice, and yet is expected to consider her above herself. For what reason?

“"Esme?" he asked calmly.
"Of course," Esme murmured.” And of course, Esme, who has no combat skill whatsoever, is going to put her life on the line to keep Edward’s precious little hamburger safe. I guess because he’s a man, and his sexual pleasure is more important than her life. Also, the fact that he commanded Rosalie and “asked” Esme is again telling. He considers Rosalie beneath him and treats her like a servant or like a complete bitch. Esme gets the fake politeness of a question, even though it’s not really one.

“I nodded, glancing warily at Rosalie. She was glowering at Carlisle with a resentful expression.” So Carlisle also considers Edward’s sexual pleasure more important than the safety of his wife and pseudo-daughter.

“Rosalie stalked out the front door without another glance in my direction, but Esme touched my cheek as she passed.” I’m still seeing Rosalie’s point.

“"May I?" she asked.
"You're the first one to ask permission." I smiled wryly.” Alice would be a much better match for Bella – at least she has some respect for her.

New Prolofgue and New Chapter 1: Enter the Whinging

Prologue:
“I stared without breathing across the long room” The “without breathing” should be a clause beginning the sentence.
“Surely it was a good way to die, in the place of someone else, someone I loved.” This could be a good lead-in, except it’s only based on her stupidity. She doesn’t die in place of anyone, nor does she even remotely have to. She just kind of randomly decides that she can handle an immortal killing machine and goes skipping tra-la off to meet him, saving no one and accomplishing nothing but putting herself in huge amounts of danger.
“When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.” Which kind of establishes that Bella only defines life by her romantic relationships and is nothing without a man…

The writing is heavy handed, but doesn’t really give an inkling to the true horror that lurks. The problem with it is it attempts to do the epic introduction at the height of action, but kind of fails. We know from reading the book jacket that it’s about a chick who falls in love with a vampire… and we know from the prologue that it isn’t Edward who attempts to kill her, which is what everyone was wondering. The fact that someone else tries to kill the vampire loving girl defeats the tension of the entire premise.

Chapter 1:

“I was wearing my favorite shirt — sleeveless, white eyelet lace; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry-on item was a parka.” This just doesn’t flow very well.

“It rains on this inconsequential town more than any other place in the United States of America.” No, it doesn’t, and also, first establishing that Bella is a stuck-up little snob. Phoenix = good, Forks = bad.

“It was from this town and its gloomy, omnipresent shade that my mother escaped with me when I was only a few months old.” Escaped? Seriously, she makes it sound like Forks is the Warsaw Ghetto.

“It was in this town that I'd been compelled to spend a month every summer until I was fourteen. That was the year I finally put my foot down; these past three summers, my dad, Charlie, vacationed with me in California for two weeks instead.” I think this is supposed to make us sympathize with and like Bella. Instead it makes me want to smack a bitch. She only sees her father two weeks a year, and she has the gall to insist that they can’t see each other in his home town?

“It was to Forks that I now exiled myself— an action that I took with great horror.” And here it is established that Bella is a verbose little nit whose every minor emotion is a cataclysm. But this is still supposed to be making her likable.
“"Bella," my mom said to me — the last of a thousand times — before I got on the plane. "You don't have to do this."” Stephenie Meyer should be fined for over and improperly using dashes. And no, she really doesn’t have to do this, but how could she play the martyr if she didn’t? I also love how all this nastiness about the town correlates to nastiness about Bella’s father.

“My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines.” And what do you look like? Explain, book, EXPLAIN!

“I felt a spasm of panic as I stared at her wide, childlike eyes.” And sexism rears its ugly head on page 4. Renee wouldn’t be a sexist caricature if she was the only female to be childish and silly, but she’s not. Edward always treats Bella like a child, Alice is described in terms of dancing and chirping and playing, while the men get more dignified movements.

“How could I leave my loving, erratic, harebrained mother to fend for herself ?” How did she manage before you were born? How did she not accidentally bake you into a pie when you were a toddler?

“Of course she had Phil now, so the bills would probably get paid, there would be food in the refrigerator, gas in her car, and someone to call when she got lost, but still…” First instance of a man being the wise, load-bearing one, while the woman is flighty and silly.

“But I could see the sacrifice in her eyes behind the promise.” What sacrifice? From the terms you’ve described her in, I could imagine your mother forgetting you exist the moment you’re out of her sight.

“Flying doesn't bother me; the hour in the car with Charlie, though, I was a little worried about.” Well, we know nothing about her father, except she apparently hates him for his choice of living location. Maybe he’s a really nasty person who yells a lot, or something else horrible… except that we find out pretty quick that he’s a really decent kind of guy who’s stuck with a doltish daughter.

“Charlie had really been fairly nice about the whole thing.” She now goes on to describe him being extremely nice, but it’s still not good enough for Princess here.

“He seemed genuinely pleased that I was coming to live with him for the first time with any degree of permanence.” Bad phrasing there. Just wanted to point it out.

“Neither of us was what anyone would call verbose” Oh, Bella, you lying bitch. If the only thing I said all day was ‘The rancorous breath of Boreas is markedly gelid this forenoon’, I would not be talkative, but I would be verbose. Talkative and verbose do not mean the same thing.

“and I didn't know what there was to say regardless.” Maybe you could try showing some interest and trying to have a conversation?

“I knew he was more than a little confused by my decision — like my mother before me, I hadn't made a secret of my distaste for Forks.” Considering that you threw a tantrum at age 14 and refused to ever set foot in the city again, I think ‘distaste’ is a rather mild word.

“I'd already said my goodbyes to the sun.” Oh, woe. Overdramatizing brat.

“This I was expecting, too.” ?

“My primary motivation behind buying a car, despite the scarcity of my funds, was that I refused to be driven around town in a car with red and blue lights on top.” Bella refuses to do a lot of things…

“I wasn't allowed to call him Charlie to his face.” And here begins the cycle of her treating Charlie like dirt for no apparent reason. He’s shown as nothing but a kind, considerate, and loving father, and she acts like he keeps her chained up in the basement.

“Most of my Arizona clothes were too permeable for Washington.” I wonder if she’s referring to her Hazmat suit or her deep-sea diving equipment. I think the word she’s going for is ‘light’ or ‘thin’.

“"What kind of car?" I was suspicious of the way he said "good car for you" as opposed to just "good car."” And here she is being an ungrateful little bitch for the first time!

“"Do you remember Billy Black down at La Push?" La Push is the tiny Indian reservation on the coast.” Terrible authorial intrusion there. If someone cared, they could look it up, or they could wait for it to be explained later.

“That would explain why I didn't remember him. I do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from my memory.” Because hanging out with Indians is so icky. Almost like getting raped or being stuck in a trench being mortared. How can people not want to smack some manners into Bella?

“"He's in a wheelchair now," Charlie continued when I didn't respond, "so he can't drive anymore, and he offered to sell me his truck cheap."
"What year is it?" I could see from his change of expression that this was the question
he was hoping I wouldn't ask.” Actually, if it were me, I’d be stunned that my own flesh and blood, upon being told that an old family friend was in a wheelchair, only cared about the car. Bella completely lacks even a semblance of human compassion – even if I didn’t know the family friend well or even if I didn’t particularly like them, someone being confined to a wheelchair is a sad thing that deserves at least a question.

“"Well, Billy's done a lot of work on the engine — it's only a few years old, really."
I hoped he didn't think so little of me as to believe I would give up that easily. "When did he buy it?"
"He bought it in 1984, I think."
"Did he buy it new?"” She’s just been told that an old family friend will never walk again and that she’s gotten a free car. And all she can harp on is how old the car is. Seriously, we’re supposed to like her and identify with her?

“"Ch — Dad, I don't really know anything about cars. I wouldn't be able to fix it if anything went wrong, and I couldn't afford a mechanic…"” It’s true she doesn’t know anything about cars, or she would know that a late 50’s – early 60’s pickup truck is way easier to repair than just about anything made since.

“The thing, I thought to myself… it had possibilities — as a nickname, at the very least.” Bella has done nothing but complain from page 2 onward. Since the prologue is supposed to establish her as self-sacrificing and noble, how are we supposed to trust anything the book tells us?

“"Well, honey, I kind of already bought it for you. As a homecoming gift." Charlie peeked sideways at me with a hopeful expression.
Wow. Free.” I can hear your enthusiasm, you ungrateful snot-nosed punk.

“No need to add that my being happy in Forks is an impossibility.” And random switch in tenses!

“He didn't need to suffer along with me.” Maybe, just as a suggestion, you could try not to be so down on everything. Seriously, I get pessimism, but Bella isn’t a “glass half-empty” gal. She’s a “the glass is half-empty with toxic waste that is rapidly draining into the abyss of the 9th circle of hell” gal.

Page 6: Conversation is capitalized randomly. Also, why has she still not asked about the poor guy in the wheelchair?

“Even the air filtered down greenly through the leaves.” I think you mean the sun. Air is only visible in certain large cities.

“It was too green — an alien planet.” No comment, just more complaining.

“To my intense surprise, I loved it.” First thing you haven’t complained about in this book.

“Now my horrific day tomorrow would be just that much less dreadful.” …. BAWW SOME MORE!

“I wouldn't be faced with the choice of either walking two miles in the rain to school or accepting a ride in the Chief's cruiser.” Because, gah, can’t let people know who my father is! Ew!

“There was only one small bathroom at the top of the stairs, which I would have to share with Charlie. I was trying not to dwell too much on that fact.” Jesus Christ, could you cool it with the Charlie being a freaky child abuser!

“not to have to smile and look pleased; a relief to stare dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape.” So you can see how Bella easily won the title of Forks High School Miss Congeniality.

“I would save that for bedtime, when I would have to think about the coming morning.” Not because she thinks the other kids are going to be mean to her, but because there aren’t enough other kids. Wow.

“I would be the new girl from the big city, a curiosity, a freak.” I could understand worrying about that, but when the old kids practically throw a parade in her honor, all she can do is whine about that.

“But physically, I'd never fit in anywhere.” You’d fit in just fine at any Hot Topic in the world.

“Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine. I had always been slender, but soft somehow,” This is supposed to establish that she feels awkward and ugly, but why then does she use terms of glowing beauty? Someone who thought their white skin was ugly would call it ‘fish belly white’, ‘dead white’, or ‘pasty’. If she thought she was too thin, she’d say ‘stick-like’ or ‘scrawny’. Instead of soft, she’d say ‘flabby’ or ‘weak’. No one who thinks they’re ugly describes themselves like this.

“Maybe it was the light, but already I looked sallower, unhealthy.” Maybe it comes from being such a sad sack.

“And if I couldn't find a niche in a school with three thousand people, what were my chances here?” Except she’s lying, because when everyone tries to be friendly, she immediately shuts them down, or just thinks nasty thoughts about them.

“Even my mother, who I was closer to than anyone else on the planet, was never in harmony with me, never on exactly the same page.” Okay, that would be good telling in a more self-aware book. Bella is the center of the universe: she is a grade A speshul snowflake, and she thinks everyone needs to conform to her.
“You could never see the sky here; it was like a cage.” Bella has the worst case of SAD ever recorded.

“I thanked him, knowing his hope was wasted.” Except it isn’t, but you still pretend it is.

“then one of the three of us in the hospital after I was born, taken by a helpful nurse, followed by the procession of my school pictures up to last year's. Those were embarrassing to look at — I would have to see what I could do to get Charlie to put them somewhere else, at least while I was living here.” HOW CAN MY OWN FATHER DISPLAY PICTURES OF ME!? Oh the humanity!

“It was impossible, being in this house, not to realize that Charlie had never gotten over my mom.” Well, maybe you should try talking to him about it. Except you don’t, and he’s stuck loving the two most inconsiderate women on the planet.

“I donned my jacket — which had the feel of a biohazard suit — and headed out into the rain.” Blah-de-blah, Bella is a brat. Lather, rinse, repeat.

“The engine started quickly, to my relief, but loudly, roaring to life and then idling at top volume.” Quick question. If Bella isn’t coordinated enough to walk down a hallway, how is she coordinated enough to drive stick?

“Inside, it was brightly lit, and warmer than I'd hoped.” Yes, because it’s cold and rainy outside in Forks, the people keep the inside lights dim and the A/C on all year.

“Plants grew everywhere in large plastic pots, as if there wasn't enough greenery outside.” Maybe these people have learned to live in harmony with nature, rather than hating it for existing.

“"I'm Isabella Swan," I informed her, and saw the immediate awareness light her eyes.” Someone was using a thesaurus without bothering to use a dictionary.

“I was expected, a topic of gossip no doubt.” Or it could be because your father registered you at school already. Just a wild guess.

Typo, page 8: “She brought several sheets to the counter to show [b]roe[/b].”

“No one was going to bite me.” Har.

“My plain black jacket didn't stand out, I noticed with relief.” Why would it? Were you expecting the other kids to show up in neon?

“At least my skin wouldn't be a standout here.” Since you’ve been complaining since page one that the sun never shines in Forks, were you really expecting this to be a problem?

“He gawked at me when he saw my name” Meyer’s opinion of small town people is showing.

“It was fairly basic: Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner. I'd already read everything.” Except this is never really mentioned again. She never thinks about anything she’s ever read, unless she can twist it to be about Edward. This also shows that SMeyer thinks already having done the work makes a person seem smarter. Hint: it doesn’t.

“He looked like the overly helpful, chess club type.” Ew! How dare he be nice to me! He’s all ugly and stuff!

“"I'm headed toward building four, I could show you the way…"Definitely over-helpful.” Wait, a page ago you were worried about having to wander around with your nose stuck in the map. So someone being nice is automatically a burden.

“"You don't look very tan."
"My mother is part albino."” This is supposed to be her making a joke, but instead it comes off as rude and snippy for no reason.

“He studied my face apprehensively, and I sighed. It looked like clouds and a sense of
humor didn't mix.” Maybe because that wasn’t funny.

“My Trigonometry teacher, Mr. Varner, who I would have hated anyway just because of the subject he taught, was the only one who made me stand in front of the class and introduce myself. I stammered, blushed, and tripped over my own boots on the way to my seat.” Because girls don’t like math!

“I tried to be diplomatic, but mostly I just lied a lot.” And she was so worried that she would have no friends. All day people try to make friends with her, but she just dismisses them.

“I couldn't remember her name, so I smiled and nodded as she prattled about teachers and classes.” And here’s Jessica of the Big Hair, trying to be nice, while Bella completely ignores her. Why can’t she tell that Bella is just better than she is?

“I forgot all their names as soon as she spoke them.” But she doesn’t care enough to try to remember them. Why would she? After all, she was lying through her teeth when she said she wanted friends and acceptance.

“The boy from English, Eric, waved at me from across the room.” Is anyone else bothered that only the boy gets a name?

“They weren't talking, and they weren't eating, though they each had a tray of untouched food in front of them.” Why do they bother buying and wasting food? It’s not a very good façade, that every day they buy lunch and then don’t touch it. It would actually make them stand out less if they just didn’t buy any food. Let everyone assume this rich snobs thought they were too good for pleb fare. Also, they just look even more suspicious by sitting around looking as sullen and rebellious and James Dean-like as possible.

“Every one of them was chalky pale, the palest of all the students living in this sunless town. Paler than me, the albino. They all had very dark eyes despite the range in hair tones. They also had dark shadows under those eyes — purplish, bruiselike shadows. As if they were all suffering from a sleepless night, or almost done recovering from a broken nose.” Now that’s attractive. They might as well be wearing signs that proclaim ‘Hi, we’re vampires!’

“They were faces you never expected to see except perhaps on the airbrushed pages of a fashion magazine. Or painted by an old master as the face of an angel.” Because the two look so similar. Also, good establishing that Bella cares nothing about friendliness, conversation, camaraderie, or kindness. She cares about beauty.

“she dumped her tray” WHY!? Why, with people starving all over the world, do the Cullens waste food?

“My eyes darted back to the others, who sat unchanging.” Is this supposed to make them look normal and not suspicious? They’re glaring in every direction, not moving and not communicating, then one dances away, and they all continue glaring in random directions, not moving.
“In that brief flash of a glance, his face held nothing of interest — it was as if she had called his name, and he'd looked up in involuntary response, already having decided not to answer.” Meet Edward: snobby douchebag.

“Her voice held all the shock and condemnation of the small town, I thought critically. But, if I was being honest, I had to admit that even in Phoenix, it would cause gossip.” Finally, she admits that this is something that’s a bit weird, not just that Forks does everything wrong.

“With the glances she was throwing at their adopted children, I would presume the reason was jealousy.” Or maybe it’s because they’re a bunch of creepy snobs.

“"I think that Mrs. Cullen can't have any kids, though," she added, as if that lessened their kindness.” Or maybe she’s explaining why there are five adopted teenagers.

“Pity because, as beautiful as they were, they were outsiders, clearly not accepted.” Maybe because they’re jerks.

“he was still staring at me, but not gawking like the other students had today” It’s okay for him to stare, because he’s gorgeous, and no one else is.

“"That's Edward. He's gorgeous, of course, but don't waste your time. He doesn't date.
Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him." She sniffed, a clear case of sour grapes. I wondered when he'd turned her down.” Obviously nothing to do with them being rude snobs.

“She was shy, too.” Except Bella is not shy. She’s whiny, self-aggrandizing, and has a martyr complex, but she’s never shy.

“Was this his normal behavior? I questioned my judgment on Jessica's bitterness at lunch today. Maybe she was not as resentful as I'd thought.” Finally, a rational reaction not based off of stereotypes and snark.

Typo page 13: “He was glaring down at me again, his black eyes full of revulsion. As I flinched away from him, shrinking against my chair, the phra[b] seif [/b]looks could kill suddenly ran through my mind.” Except she inexplicably finds this a turn on. He terrifies her at their first meeting, and that makes her fall head over heels in love with him Healthy!

“"That's my next class, too." He seemed thrilled, though it wasn't that big of a coincidence in a school this small.” But instead of talking with the nice boy, she instead thinks of him dismissively and fixates on why didn’t Edward like her? She told us that at her old school, nobody liked her, so why does she find it so weird that Edward doesn’t?

“Forks was literally my personal hell on Earth.” http://www.xkcd.com/725/

“He was arguing with her in a low, attractive voice.” -_-

“his face was absurdly handsome” You’ve just found out that he’s a nasty jerk who hates you for no reason. Why are you still focusing on how good he looks!?

Chapter 16: Which is Mercifully Short

“Every time he touched me, in even the most casual way, my heart had an audible reaction.” That’s impossible. Literally physically impossible.

“This one did not stand out among the bigger and brighter pieces; painted in varying tones of sepia, it depicted a miniature city full of steeply slanted roofs, with thin spires atop a few scattered towers.” Since this is supposed to be London in the 1650’s, it shouldn’t be painted. It should be a woodcut. Just a nitpick. Then again, I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be a reproduction or an original.

“It is amazing that he was able to resist… feeding… while he was still so new. The instinct is more powerful then, it takes over everything.” And this kind of pokes holes in Carlisle the Compassionate. He never ate anyone, but after going through blinding agony and having to fight body and soul to keep from eating everyone he met, not to mention his numerous suicide attempts, why would he inflict it on other people? Specifically on other people that he knew nothing about? Edward could have been a serial rapist or Rosalie could have been a psychotic axe murderer. But no, he just takes pity on a few stories and decides that there’d be nothing better than to make them thirst eternally for human blood!

“He'd always been intelligent, eager to learn.” And yet he apparently knows nothing of Latin or Greek or theology. He never mentions neo-platonic ideals (which was a hot trend in his day) or Petrarchan love. I guess he could have forgotten it, or could have followed the course of the crumble of Petrarchism and Christian humanism. Either way, it seems weird that such a “compassionate” guy never mentions any of this stuff.

“"He swam to France ?"
"People swim the Channel all the time, Bella," he reminded me patiently.” Doesn’t he just drip paternalism? How does this not send shivers of revulsion through every female who reads this?

“"Everything is easy for you," I griped.
He waited, his expression amused.
"I won't interrupt again, I promise."
He chuckled darkly,” Edward likes being reminded that he’s better than his weak woman thing.

“"You don't have to breathe?" I demanded.” Why would he? He’s a reanimated corpse. That’s what a vampire is, sweetcheeks.

“"I know that at some point, something I tell you or something you see is going to be too much. And then you'll run away from me, screaming as you go."” Since she didn’t run screaming when you told her you wanted nothing more than to kill her and explained that you had killed and eaten humans in the past, what exactly is going to be “too much”? Maybe she’ll find out that he likes chess and is thus a geek and unworthy of her super-special specialness.

“By night he studied music, science, medicine” All things he should have studied before. If that cross hung in the vicarage, then his father was one of the vicars of London. That’s a BIG DEAL! Carlisle should have spent at least a bit of time in Oxford or Cambridge, like all other young men from the clergy class did.

“His expression became awed, almost reverent.” I’m just a bit bothered by the fact that he thinks Carlisle can do no wrong, yet he treats Esme with semi-affectionate condescension.

“"He was studying in Italy when he discovered the others there. They were much more civilized and educated than the wraiths of the London sewers."” Just a guess, but maybe it had something to do with the fact that they weren’t living in open ditches filled with:

Sweepings from butchers stalls, dung, guts, and blood,
Drowned puppies, stinking sprats, all drenched in mud,
Dead cats and turnips-tops (Jonathan Swift, “Description of a City Shower”)

Keep in mind that was written about the “sewers” 60 years after Carlisle was finding buried vampires.

“"Solimena was greatly inspired by Carlisle's friends. He often painted them as gods,"” And Smeyer drags a perfectly innocent Baroque painter into the mud.

“Carlisle stayed with them only for a short time, just a few decades. He greatly admired their civility, their refinement, but they persisted in trying to cure his aversion to his natural food source,' as they called it.” Good thing he’s so open-minded. A lot of people would be disturbed to have their closest friends be cannibalistic serial killers, but Carlisle accepts men of all stripes.

“since he couldn't find a companion, he would create one.” This… well, I have nothing against Carlisle deciding that the perfect companion would be a beautiful young boy, but it seems a bit out of place for a strict Mormon.

“When he turned back to me, a gentle angel's smile lit his expression.” I don’t know, but that makes this seem more homoerotic than just the fact that Carlisle’s first choice of companion was a teenage boy.

“Well, I had a typical bout of rebellious adolescence — about ten years after I was… born…created, whatever you want to call it. I wasn't sold on his life of abstinence, and I resented him for curbing my appetite. So I went off on my own for a time."” …. I’m not going to touch this one.

“"That doesn't repulse you?"
"No."
"Why not?"” Good question. He’s just openly admitted that he got tired of not nomming the Happy Meals with legs and went off and murdered people. So why is she so chill?

“"It took me only a few years to return to Carlisle and recommit to his vision.” Only a few years of wanton murder and mayhem.

“Because I knew the thoughts of my prey, I could pass over the innocent and pursue only the evil.” While that seems rational, isn’t that what caused all the trouble in Death Note?

“The whole back side of the house must be glass.” Which means it wouldn’t be the “balanced” architecture described earlier – which still sounds Georgian, or the supposed age of the house. Whole walls of glass didn’t become the vogue until Frank Lloyd Wright. I guess they could have remodeled extensively, since they’re richer than God, but still. Another thing – why don’t the obscenely rich Cullens give to charity?

“"I hate to burst your bubble, but you're really not as scary as you think you are. I don't find you scary at all, actually," I lied casually.” No girl should ever have to lie about that.

“He stopped, raising his eyebrows in blatant disbelief. Then he flashed a wide, wicked smile.
"You really shouldn't have said that," he chuckled.” No Edward’s going to put the fear of God into you!

“He growled, a low sound in the back of his throat; his lips curled back over his perfect teeth. His body shifted suddenly, half-crouched, tensed like a lion about to pounce.
I backed away from him, glaring.
"You wouldn't."
I didn't see him leap at me — it was much too fast. I only found myself suddenly airborne, and then we crashed onto the sofa, knocking it into the wall. All the while, his arms formed an iron cage of protection around me — I was barely jostled. But I still was gasping as I tried to right myself.
He wasn't having that. He curled me into a ball against his chest, holding me more securely than iron chains. I glared at him in alarm, but he seemed well in control, his jaw relaxed as he grinned, his eyes bright only with humor.” I’m sure this is meant to be charming play-wrestling, but it still made me feel unclean.

“"That you are a very, very terrifying monster," I said, my sarcasm marred a bit by my breathless voice.
"Much better," he approved.” Because you’re no good unless you’re scared of me!

“"It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share," Alice announced.” So Alice has a little bit of sass. Too bad I know that it’s eventually subliminated by parties and fancy clothes.

“I gathered that Alice was a bit more reliable than the weatherman, though.”
Not really. Her power might as well be Plot in a Box. It only works when the plot requires it to, and when the plot requires it not to, it’s a shambles. Since the men’s powers all work perfectly, only Alice’s unreliable power can cause drama.

“"Do you want to go?" Edward asked me, excited, his expression vivid.” Vivid is totally the wrong word to use in this situation. I believe she was going for ‘bright’ or ‘glowing’, based on what my Microsoft Word thesaurus pulled up.

Chapter 11: Wherein Bella Must Make Her Own Drama to Get Any

“And then, as the room went black, I was suddenly hyperaware that Edward was sitting less than an inch from me.” Like, OMG! I guess this is good in that teenage girls really do get awkward when their crushes are sitting really close to them, but since her devotion to Edward borders on the slavish, this seems sort of creepy.

“A crazy impulse to reach over and touch him, to stroke his perfect face just once in the darkness, nearly overwhelmed me.” Why is it crazy? He said about two hours ago that you two are dating. Are you afraid that he’ll eat your hand? If so, here’s Meta-Bella being her sensible self again.

“I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, my hands balling into fists.” If I didn’t do this, I would have both hands and possibly my textbook in my panties.

“I was losing my mind.” … Too easy.

“The opening credits began, lighting the room by a token amount.” A token amount? I guess it’s sort of correct, since it can mean small, but this just sounds so incredibly awkward in the context of room lighting. You pay a token amount, you don’t light it. By the way, I’ve just quoted over a whole sequential paragraph of bad lines.

“He grinned back, his eyes somehow managing to smolder, even in the dark.” The sexy grinning smolder? Who is this kid, Fabio?

“I looked away before I could start hyperventilating.” … and here, yet again, she perfectly describes mental illness. The last time a man made me hyperventilate, it was because he had previously threatened me with grievous bodily harm, and I was alone in the same room with him. Which is Bella’s situation too, when you think about it, but instead of making her frightened, it’s making her horny. Fun challenge for those of you playing the home game: Diagnose Bella!

“It was absolutely ridiculous that I should feel dizzy.” So, what mental illness attracts one strongly to danger, causes obsession that actually crosses the line into physical illness, and yet leaves the subject rational enough to realize that all is not right in the state of Denmark? Appearance of Meta-Bella… again, for those playing the home game, around now is when you should take a shot.

“The overpowering craving to touch him also refused to fade, and I crushed my fists safely against my ribs until my fingers were aching with the effort.” He’s already said he’s your boyfriend. Why are you so afraid to touch him? Beyond that you have suddenly grown a brain and realized that you are a hors d'oeuvre to him.

“Edward chuckled beside me.” It’s funny when you hurt yourself! Seriously, we do not have one instance of his laugh where he is not laughing at someone. Great sense of humor, my cat’s fluffy white butt.

“His voice was dark and his eyes were cautious.” He’s just so gol darn [i]mysterious[/i], ain’t he?

“I stood with care, worried my balance might have been affected by the strange new intensity between us.” Any new diagnoses?

“His face startled me — his expression was torn, almost pained, and so fiercely beautiful that the ache to touch him flared as strong as before.” If I leave you alone for thirty seconds, you will surely be decapitated by a piece of loose leaf. I hate not carrying you around on my back like a baby.

“I drifted to the locker room, changing in a trancelike state, only vaguely aware that there were other people surrounding me.” And Edward has roofies in his fingertips. Of course.

“Mercifully, some vestiges of Mike's chivalry still survived; he came to stand beside me.” Um, why wouldn’t they survive? He’s been shown as nothing but a really nice guy, who may be interested romantically, but is willing to be a friend. THE HORROR!

“Sometimes it was so easy to like Mike.” And the rest of the time he was a hateful little worm, because he’s only human-attractive.

“"You and Cullen, huh?" he asked, his tone rebellious.” Rebellious? Princess Speshul Snowflake Alert! First Lauren was insolent and now Mike is rebellious? Also, this makes no sense in it’s abruptness. Here we are, having a good time and now ‘OH YOU WHORISH WHORE!’. Quoi?

“"I don't like it," he muttered anyway.

"You don't have to," I snapped.

"He looks at you like… like you're something to eat," he continued, ignoring me.”

Oh GAWD. Here’s this stupid [i]mundane[/i] trying to tell me my new squishybuns doesn’t seem right. Obviously, it’s jealousy. This would be funnier if every person I know who had gotten involved with an abuser hadn’t have done exactly the same thing. We weren’t concerned because there was something [i]wrong[/i] with their partner, we were [i]jealous[/i]!

“I dressed quickly, something stronger than butterflies battering recklessly against the walls of my stomach, my argument with Mike already a distant memory. I was wondering if Edward would be waiting, or if I should meet him at his car.” Hum-de-dum, my friend just told me my new cuddly-poo was shooting me raep faces and he was worried for me. I wonder whether I should wear panties on our next date, or if I should go ahead and take some date rape drugs first.

“Was I supposed to know that they knew that I knew, or not?” Que?

“His eyes slid back to mine, still tight. "Newton's getting on my nerves."” It’s not that I don’t trust you, baby, but I just don’t want anything else with testicles ever looking at you.

“"You weren't listening again?" I was horror-struck. All traces of my sudden good humor vanished.

"How's your head?" he asked innocently.

"You're unbelievable!" I turned, stomping away in the general direction of the parking lot, though I hadn't ruled out walking at this point.

"You were the one who mentioned how I'd never seen you in Gym — it made me

curious." He didn't sound repentant, so I ignored him.” Go, Meta-Bella! And kick him in the sparkly nuts for good measure!

“"Maybe… if you mean it. And if you promise not to do it again," I insisted.

His eyes were suddenly shrewd. "How about if I mean it, and I agree to let you drive Saturday?" he countered my conditions.” I can’t promise not to spy on you every second of your life, but you can drive once in awhile. At least if I say so.

“I considered, and decided it was probably the best offer I would get. "Deal," I agreed.” And Meta-Bella disappears under a mountain of hormonal stupidity. The best offer you should get is exactly what you asked – your privacy is not something to be bargained with. This is like ‘Well, I won’t promise I won’t hit you again, but I’ll give you a big cookie this time!’

“"Then I'm very sorry I upset you."” Oh, thank you [i]soooo[/i] much. He’s not at all sorry that he’s completely invading her privacy, he’s just toying with her because she’s so darn cute when she’s upset.

“His smile was condescending now.” Is it ever not?

“It was easier to ride with him if I only looked when it was over.” He just loves me so much that he doesn’t mind that I almost have a heart attack every time he drives me somewhere.

“"Did I frighten you?" Yes, there was definitely humor there.” Scaring the shit out of the human I claim to love makes me larf. Har har sparkle.

“It wasn't until my head started to swim that I realized I wasn't breathing.” SOOPER HYPNOTISM!!!!

“I opened the door, and the arctic draft that burst into the car helped clear my head.” Wait, what month is it again? It was warm enough a week or so ago (maybe two weeks?) to go to the beach and fall asleep in the backyard, but now it’s freezing cold again, because SMeyer’s time sense sucks.

“I smiled as I walked to the house. It was clear he was planning to see me tomorrow, if nothing else.” He just told you a minute ago that nothing in the world would be easier than eating you, then stopped your breath with his eyes. And now you’re going all gooey because he’s going to see you tomorrow? Someone please apply a clue-by-four to this girl’s thick head.

“It thrilled with the same electricity that had charged the afternoon, and I tossed and turned restlessly, waking often.” Oh boy, a description of Bella’s wet dreams.

“I pulled on my brown turtleneck and the inescapable jeans, sighing as I daydreamed of spaghetti straps and shorts.” Oh boo hoo hoo. Buy some khakis, you big baby.

“"That was the plan." I grimaced, wishing he hadn't brought it up so I wouldn't have to compose careful half-truths.” At this rate, he won’t have to organize a statewide hunt for my remains! How dare he?

“"I'm not going to the dance, Dad." I glared.

"Didn't anyone ask you?" he asked, trying to hide his concern by focusing on rinsing the plate.” Good God, why does this ungrateful little bitch treat her father so badly? He’s worried about her fitting in, and he’s upset to think she’s not going to the dance because no one asked. All he’s ever shown doing is being thoughtful of her and she acts like he beats her with a rawhide whip.

“I sympathized with him.” No, you didn’t, because after this “so mature” little insight, you go back to treating him like garbage.

“When I heard the cruiser pull away, I could only wait a few seconds before I had to peek out of my window. The silver car was already there, waiting in Charlie's spot on the driveway.” You know, a lie by omission is still a lie, and this book is promoting dangerous behavior as being “romantic”. Guess what, girls? If a guy had said with all sincerity that he would like to eat your sweet, sweet flesh and drink your blood, then tells you you’re going out on Saturday for a “date” and don’t tell your parents, it’s a bad idea to do as he says.

“I never wanted it to end.” Too bad in the real world, it would end with you dead in a ditch.

“"How are you today?" His eyes roamed over my face, as if his question was something more than simple courtesy.” As if he didn’t know, considering that he spent last night camping out in her bedroom, and the whole morning listening to her father’s thoughts.

“"Neither could I," he teased as he started the engine.” Wait a minute – his “deal” for her forgiving his unforgivable breaches of her privacy was that she could drive. Will that ever be mentioned again?

“I was sure the roar of my truck would scare me, whenever I got to drive it again.” Because women are frail, helpless little things… and when is she going to drive again?

“"So what did you do last night?" I asked.

He chuckled. "Not a chance. It's my day to ask questions."” See, without prior knowledge, we could assume that this is one instance of Edward not laughing at her. Since we already know he spent last night rifling through her possessions, he’s definitely laughing at her again.

“He snorted, dropping his serious expression. "Brown?" he asked skeptically.” Gawd, here I thought you would say ‘Edward’ is your favorite color. Jesus Christ with a great axe, is this guy ever not a total douche?

“"Sure. Brown is warm. I miss brown. Everything that's supposed to be brown — tree trunks, rocks, dirt — is all covered up with squashy green stuff here," I complained.
He seemed fascinated by my little rant.” I would be too, because it’s clearly the ramblings of a diseased mind.

“"Debussy to this?" He raised an eyebrow.
It was the same CD.” What CD? She mentions the CD and then we don’t find out what it is. I’m going to pretend that it’s Type O Negative’s Bloody Kisses. Why? Because we already know Bella is a pretentious twat, and having her getting pretentious over goth rock amuses me. Also, now I have to wonder if Edward stole that from her, or just bought exact copies of everything she owns.

“While he walked me to English, when he met me after Spanish, all through the lunch hour, he questioned me relentlessly about every insignificant detail of my existence.” That’s not romance. That’s sick. No one even reasonably sane would want to know everything about their squishy-buns.

“Movies I'd liked and hated, the few places I'd been and the many places I wanted to go, and books — endlessly books.” But she’ll never tell us what books. That’s the thing… we’re told Bella is a huge reader, but we’ve seen her reading twice, and once she was reading geocities sites on vampires. She never references books, ever. I do not know a single reader who only references books they’ve read by their titles.

“He'd been flinging questions at me with such speed that I felt like I was taking one of those psychiatric tests where you answer with the first word that comes to mind.” And where were you on the night of January the 12^th? Were you in anyway involved with the murder of the English language? You can continue to deny it, but we have ways of making you talk. Seriously, guys, interrogations =/= sexy.

“"Tell me," he finally commanded after persuasion failed” And when commanding and persuading fail, what then? Hitting?

“I worried it would provoke the strange anger that flared whenever I slipped and revealed too clearly how obsessed I was.” So… she’s already scared of his rages.

“I sighed in relief, and continued with the psychoanalysis.” Psychoanalysis? He’d be psychoanalyzing if he was going in depth with anything, but instead, this seems to be a collection of random neural firings. There is nothing “deep” or “mysterious”, or any real knowledge to be gained by knowing all of her likes and dislikes, unless he thinks that by knowing that she prefers lilies to carnations, she’s more devoted to her virginity and not maternal. I have no idea if she does, and that’s one of those deceptive surface readings that a manipulator like Edward could easily make.

“I didn't look at him, afraid that if he was looking at me, it would only make self-control that much harder.” Oh, I see, the darkness makes you think of fucking him!

“Somewhere, in a corner of my mind, I felt bad about that. But I couldn't concentrate on him.” After all, he’s just a mundane and I can’t spare feelings for him acting the gentleman in comparison to my panty-melting sociopath.

“The pressure made me more clumsy than usual, but eventually I made it out the door, feeling the same release when I saw him standing there, a wide smile automatically spreading across my face.” One raise of those eyebrows, and I experience spontaneous orgasm.

This next section could have added some weight to her future sacrifice. She loves the sun, and to be with Edward, she would have to give it up. Except by that point, he’s got such a stranglehold over her that she doesn’t care.

“"Charlie!" I suddenly recalled his existence, and sighed.” Damn my stupid father for being alive!

“"It’s twilight," Edward murmured, looking at the western horizon, obscured as it was with clouds.” *eye-roll*

“"So is it my turn tomorrow, then?"
"Certainly not!" His face was teasingly outraged. "I told you I wasn't done, didn't I?"” So… he’s just being controlling again. He calls all the shots, and she obeys. Also, we were just told they had this epic conversation, but we saw no interaction at all. He just grilled her about likes and dislikes, and only interjected to ask another question or tell her to keep going. I think the thing that strikes me the most about Edward and Bella is how unaccountably boring they both are. They don’t care about or like anything, really.

“He glanced at me for a brief second. "Another complication," he said glumly.
He flung the door open in one swift movement, and then moved, almost cringed, swiftly away from me.” Um… what?

“"Charlie's around the corner," he warned, staring through the downpour at the other vehicle.” You know, I think this is more their desperate desire for disapproval, so they can feel like they’re doing something illicit. Charlie praised the Cullens in the highest terms possible, and sneered at anyone who wouldn’t think they were just the salt of the earth as jealous and close-minded. So… wouldn’t he be thrilled that his daughter is getting close to this young man he thinks so highly of?

“His expression was a strange mix of frustration and defiance.” … Oh, my aching adjectives!

“And the surprisingly familiar eyes, black eyes that seemed at the same time both too young and too ancient for the broad face they were set in.” I’ll bet a single tear also courses down from those eyes when he sees pollution.

“Could he really believe the impossible legends his son had scoffed at? The answer was clear in Billy's eyes. Yes. Yes, he could.” Geez, now someone is going to tell me I shouldn’t date an undead sucker of human blood. MY LIFE IS SO HARD!!!!

Chapter 10: Violent Mood Swings and Stalking Mean ‘I Love You’ in Vampire

“It was very hard, in the morning, to argue with the part of me that was sure last night was a dream.” Wow… and people praise SMeyer for her amazing turn of phrase…

“Logic wasn't on my side, or common sense.” You got that right, sister.

“The mist was ice cold where it clung to the exposed skin on my face and neck.” And we continue with the extremely foggy timeline. It’s winter but it’s also spring, but wait! It’s winter again!

“It was such a thick fog that I was a few feet down the driveway before I realized there was a car in it: a silver car.” Because almost causing an accident and scaring the shit out of a girl is fun!

“I didn't see where he came from, but suddenly he was there, pulling the door open for me.” Him opening the door for you suggests that you were expecting him, not that he popped out of the mist like the Phantom of the Opera and told you to get out of your car.

“He was really giving me a choice — I was free to refuse, and part of him hoped for that.” No need to sound so surprised.

“It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body.” -_-

“I pulled the jacket onto my lap, pushing my arms through the too-long sleeves, curious to see if the scent could possibly be as good as I remembered. It was better.” But what does it smell like? We don’t really get good descriptions of anything except for clothes. His smell is “heavenly”, but what does it smell like? I still maintain that he smells like iodine (treating all the split bruises) and roses (I’m so sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to).

“"Aren't you?" he contradicted in a voice so low I wasn't sure if he meant for me to hear.” Because women are weak and delicate things that need to be driven everywhere (women can’t drive) and need men to provide them with jackets, lest they catch la grippe. This is one of those things that makes the fangirls melt, but is actually very creepy. It’s sweet for a guy to give a girl his jacket because he notices she’s cold, but quite another for a guy to bring a girl a jacket and tell her to wear it because he thinks she should be cold. Remember all those times your mother felt a chill and told you to go put on a sweater? Same concept.

“We drove through the fog-shrouded streets, always too fast, feeling awkward.” Edward still doesn’t care that his too-fast driving scares her. He knows best, after all.

“"No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly — it's unnatural. It makes me wonder what you're really thinking."” That’s because Bella has no higher thought processes. All she can think about is how gorgeous Edward is and whether his penis is as cold as the rest of him. Bella is incurious, and therefore, stupid. She’s curious enough to try to find out what Edward is, but she has no curiosity as to what that entails.

“"You don't want to hear it," I mumbled, almost whispered. As soon as the words were out, I regretted them. The pain in my voice was very faint; I could only hope he hadn't noticed it.” What pain? The only thoughts you don’t tell him are the ones where you want to ride that sparkly ass like Seabiscuit.

“He didn't respond, and I wondered if I had ruined the mood.” Because it’s always your fault.

“"Like I said, it's ostentatious. We try to blend in."” No, you don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t be driving your big shiny car, you would be wearing normal clothes, and you would talk to people.

“My heart spluttered hyperactively.” Are you sure it didn’t splutter softly or delicately or slowly?

“Three people walking in the door stopped to stare at me.” Has SMeyer ever actually been to a small town? High schools have a lot of gossip, yeah, but Bella and her doings being the be-all, end-all of Forks High social life makes no sense.

“agonized over whether Edward would really be listening to what I said through the medium of Jess's thoughts. How very inconvenient his little talent could be” The fact that he does not respect anyone’s privacy makes him such a naughty scamp!

“I reluctantly went to sit by her, trying to convince myself it would be better to get it over with as soon as possible.” Gawd, I hate it when people try to talk to me and stuff and actually show interest in my life.

Typo, page 97: "He offered to drive me to Seattle Saturday because he thinks [b]toy[/b] truck isn't up to it — does that count?" MY truck, not toy truck.

“"I do have some trouble with incoherency when I'm around him," I admitted.” I doubt that’s what she was talking about when she said he was intimidating and scary.

“"Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous." Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did.” You hypocritical bitch. Name one thing about Edward that is good besides his looks.

“She didn't get a chance to start on the subject again during class, and as soon as the bell rang, I took evasive action.” Poor poor Bella. People trying to be her friend and such.

“But outside the door to our Spanish class, leaning against the wall — looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to — Edward was waiting for me.” Bad sentence structure! BAD! No cookie!

“His voice was amused and irritated at the same time. He had been listening, it was obvious.” I really couldn’t care less that he eavesdrops on me and pries into my friend’s minds. It’s pretty sexy how he always has to keep tabs on me.

“He stepped up to the counter and filled a tray with food.

"What are you doing?" I objected. "You're not getting all that for me?"” Good God, he’s even in control of what she eats.

“"I did once… on a dare," I admitted. "It wasn't so bad."

He laughed. "I suppose I'm not surprised."” Because you have about as much spine as a jellyfish and will do anything any other person tells you.

Typo page 99: "I'm not surprised you heard something you didn't like. You know what they say about eavesdropners," I reminded him.” Though good point.

“"You did," he agreed, but his voice was still rough. "You aren't precisely right, though. I do want to know what you're thinking — everything. I just wish… that you wouldn't be thinking some things."” I hate it when you think things I don’t want you to think!

“"Yes, you are going to answer, or yes, you really think that?" He was irritated again.” I’m so annoyed that my hot and cold running manipulations have not convinced you totally of my undying love!

“As I searched for the words, I could see him getting impatient; frustrated by my silence, he started to scowl.” The fact that it angers me when you take a whole minute to answer my questions obviously proves that I love you more!

“That was the best I could sum up the sensation of anguish that his words triggered in me at times.” Oh God. Read some Emily Dickinson, you overdramatizing nitwit.

“I'll admit you're dead-on about the bad things," he chuckled blackly, "but you didn't hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day."” PRINCESS SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE ALERT!

“"I don't believe it…" I mumbled to myself.

"Trust me just this once — you are the opposite of ordinary."” Considering that her description of how plain she is was given in terms of glowing beauty…

“I care the most, because if I can do it" —" I wasn’t aware that love was a competition.

“— "if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."” Suicide is romantic!

“I glared. "And you don't think I would do the same?"” Really, really romantic! We’ve talked a grand total of seven times, and already we would kill ourselves for the other.

“Abruptly, his unpredictable mood shifted again; a mischievous, devastating smile rearranged his features. "Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant presence."” Oh, that’s not creepy at all.

“That idea would definitely get me in trouble.” Trouble? He’s not your father.

Typo page 101: "Do you really need to go to Seattle this Saturday, or was that just an excuse to [i]get[/i] out of saying no to all your admirers?" Once again with the improper italics.

“"Oh, he would have found a chance to ask you without me — I just really wanted to watch your face," he chuckled,” Every single time Edward is mentioned laughing, he’s laughing [i]at[/i] someone.

“"That wouldn't be a problem." He was very confident. "It's all in the leading." He could see that I was about to protest, and he cut me off.” O_O There should be a siren going off in her head right about now.

“"Can I drive?"

He frowned. "Why?"” Why would weak woman thing want to drive? Cars are for big manly men to drive.

“"With Charlie, less is always more." I was definite about that.” Why? He’s been an ideal father. Or do you just want to make sure he has to take a long time to search for your body?

“Again, he was leaving the choice up to me.” No, he’s not. This is something called ‘the illusion of choice’. He gave you no choice about Seattle, and now he’s giving you no choice about not Seattle. He knows that you would slice your own head off if he told you to.

“"I know," he sighed, brooding. "You should tell Charlie, though."

"Why in the world would I do that?"

His eyes were suddenly fierce. "To give me some small incentive to bring you back."

I gulped. But, after a moment of thought, I was sure. "I think I'll take my chances."

He exhaled angrily, and looked away.” Date rape/death threats are so sexy!

Typo page 102: “I looked away swiftly, back to him, and I. asked the first thing that came to mind.”

“He raised an eyebrow and the corners of his mouth turned down in disapproval.” How dare you ask me questions!?

“"we have to be careful not to impact the environment with injudicious hunting. We try to focus on areas with an overpopulation of predators — ranging as far away as we need.” SMeyer’s research fail yet again. America is definitely not running a surfeit of predators.

“"Oh, we have weapons." He flashed his bright teeth in a brief, threatening smile.” I just like to remind you that I want to eat you like a cheeseburger.

“The thick bands of muscle that wrapped his arms and torso were somehow even more menacing now.” Oh, now you get it.

“"Absolutely not!" His face turned even whiter than usual, and his eyes were suddenly furious. I leaned back, stunned and — though I'd never admit it to him — frightened by his reaction.” There’s that sexy violent temper again!

“"Too scary for me?" I asked when I could control my voice again.

"If that were it, I would take you out tonight," he said, his voice cutting.” I know what’s best for you, and scaring is what’s best for you!