Saturday, March 14, 2009

Chapter 6: Heap Big Chief WolfMan Provides Pale-Face Squaw With-um Heap Big Backstory. Ug.

“it more than lived up to my non-expectations.” No real comment- that’s a terrible sentence.

“I guessed she'd been hoping to hear something that would make a good story for her to pass on.” You know, Jessica has been characterized as nothing but nice, so I don’t know where Bella gets off assuming she’s this uber-gossipy bitch. Of course, she’s not pretty, so she can’t be a good person.

“And I couldn't stop the gloom that engulfed me as I realized I didn't know how long I would have to wait before I saw him again.” More establishing that this is an unhealthy obsession based only on looks. *sigh* I wish she’d get a new schtick- I’m only getting so much to work with.

“At my usual table, everyone was full of our plans for the next day.” Bad grammar, and contradictory, because you’ve done nothing but whine about how you really don’t want to go, but you’ll suck it up and deal because you have nothing better to do/couldn’t think of an excuse not to hang out with those losers.

“But it was warmer today — almost sixty.” Wow, Stephenie Meyer said she didn’t do any research, and it’s really showing. It’s been three weeks according to the narrative, and it was the middle of winter when this started. Only not, because everything was still lush and verdant, but it was, because there was a huge snow. I’m trying my damndest to figure out when the story starts, and the only thing that would make even a lick of sense is that it begins in April and the snow was late, but everyone seemed to expect it and so it takes place during winter! It’s Fawining! All the seasons but summer, because everyone knows the Pacific Northwest doesn’t have a summer.

“Maybe the outing wouldn't be completely miserable.” Maybe you could try not to be a bionic bitch for a minute.

“I'd never noticed what an unpleasant, nasal voice she had,” Because everyone who doesn’t adore Bella is ugly in some way.

“I wondered if he would approve of my plan to ride to Seattle with Edward Cullen. Not that I was going to tell him.” Good life lesson for the little girls reading this series. Daddy doesn’t need to know about your dangerous boyfriend, it’ll just worry the poor soul. When the guy who makes you feel creeped out and physically forces you into car kills you and dumps your body in the woods, Daddoo will figure it out eventually.

There’s some generic surprise at seeing the sun. I know it’s rainy up there, but it can’t possibly be that rainy.

“hoping I wouldn't get caught in the lie. But also wishing that a miracle would occur, and Edward would appear.” Bad grammar again. You know, I tutor English, and one of my students asked me if reading this book would help her with her development. I told her no- she’s already having trouble, she doesn’t need to learn large words used incorrectly and she doesn’t need any more bad grammar habits. I’m sure once I get my license, I’ll have a bevy of girls who learned their SAT words from ‘Twilight’… and thus learned the wrong way of using them.

“He smiled blissfully. It was so easy to make Mike happy.” And that’s a total turn-off. Who wants a guy who likes me for me and enjoys life?

“I hid my chagrin.” First use of the dreaded word. From the dictionary: –noun 1. a feeling of vexation, marked by disappointment or humiliation.
It is not interchangeable with ‘embarrassment’. Thesaurus raep fail.

“It was still breathtaking.” Last week you were complaining that it wasn’t a proper beach and was stupid and ugly and you didn’t want to go. Either Bella has a split personality, or the most violent case of SAD ever recorded.

Okay, I have to give Stephenie Meyer some props here. She described a picture of the beach more than adequately. She doesn’t give a good sense of being there at all, but you can tell that she’s seen some lovely pictures.

“It reminded me of Edward's request — that I not fall into the ocean.” Everything reminds me of Edward. I’m going to deny myself a pleasure because Edward wouldn’t approve.

“Lauren was the one who made my decision for me.” But because I’m a spineless little coward, instead of confronting the girl who’s being a bitch for no reason, I’m going to skulk off and let her gossip about me in peace.

“I was completely absorbed, except for one small part of my mind that wondered what Edward was doing now, and trying to imagine what he would be saying if he were here with me.” *sigh* I’m sooooo obsessed with him that every time I blow my nose, the tissue reminds me of Edward’s perfect skin.

“I knew exactly what caused the difference, and it disturbed me.” Meta-Bella, I weep for you. You have to share a body with a ridiculously shallow, self-absorbed brat who becomes obsessed with the first pretty face she sees. It must be hard for you.

“However, my positive opinion of his looks was damaged by the first words out of his mouth.” At least she acknowledges that she judges a person as someone she’ll like or dislike based on their looks. Of course, she’s such a brat that she’ll dislike someone for trying to introduce themselves to her- why can’t he tell that she’s Princess Special Snowflake?

“Of course, I'd kicked up enough tantrums to end the fishing trips by the time I was eleven.” You say that like you’re proud of it. I guess being forced to hang out with Indians is icky.

Typo page 58: "I was so relived when Charlie bought it”

“Lauren asked — in what I imagined was an insolent tone — from across the fire.” Insolent? Seriously, insolent?! Does Smeyer even know what that means? I assume not, unless she’s trying to further underline that Bella is Princess Special Snowflake.

“I hoped that young Jacob was as yet inexperienced around girls, so that he wouldn't see through my sure-tobe-pitiful attempts at flirting.” Typo, page 59. Also, good establishing that Bella is going to be the world’s biggest bitch to Jacob and is going to jerk his poor fuzzy heart around just so she can be close to Edward.

Okay, this scene is actually pretty well-written, but Bella is being a truly nasty person, and she doesn’t seem to realize it.

“Jacob strolled to a nearby driftwood tree that had its roots sticking out like the attenuated legs of a huge, pale spider.” Shame on the person who gave Smeyer a thesaurus without a dictionary.

“I asked, not faking my intrigue now.” And again. ‘Intrigue’ is technically correct, but it reads badly.

“If they would promise to stay off our lands, we wouldn't expose them to the pale-faces." And me-um Heap Big Chief-um tribeman. Ug.

“I felt guilty as I said this, knowing that I'd used him. But I really did like Jacob. He was someone I could easily be friends with.” At least she knows that she’s used him. Then again, that seems to a pre-requisite to be friends with her- easily used.


  1. love all the references to Slacktivist's Left Behind reviews... :)

  2. These are incredible. Only, I think you the progression of time might be somewhat better explained. Smeyer mentions a couple times that a month passes between the accident and when Edward once again speaks to Bella. When he drags her home after she almost faints, it's been "almost two months" since their first conversation, where she mentioned Phil.