Chapter 10: Violent Mood Swings and Stalking Mean ‘I Love You’ in Vampire

“It was very hard, in the morning, to argue with the part of me that was sure last night was a dream.” Wow… and people praise SMeyer for her amazing turn of phrase…

“Logic wasn't on my side, or common sense.” You got that right, sister.

“The mist was ice cold where it clung to the exposed skin on my face and neck.” And we continue with the extremely foggy timeline. It’s winter but it’s also spring, but wait! It’s winter again!

“It was such a thick fog that I was a few feet down the driveway before I realized there was a car in it: a silver car.” Because almost causing an accident and scaring the shit out of a girl is fun!

“I didn't see where he came from, but suddenly he was there, pulling the door open for me.” Him opening the door for you suggests that you were expecting him, not that he popped out of the mist like the Phantom of the Opera and told you to get out of your car.

“He was really giving me a choice — I was free to refuse, and part of him hoped for that.” No need to sound so surprised.

“It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body.” -_-

“I pulled the jacket onto my lap, pushing my arms through the too-long sleeves, curious to see if the scent could possibly be as good as I remembered. It was better.” But what does it smell like? We don’t really get good descriptions of anything except for clothes. His smell is “heavenly”, but what does it smell like? I still maintain that he smells like iodine (treating all the split bruises) and roses (I’m so sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to).

“"Aren't you?" he contradicted in a voice so low I wasn't sure if he meant for me to hear.” Because women are weak and delicate things that need to be driven everywhere (women can’t drive) and need men to provide them with jackets, lest they catch la grippe. This is one of those things that makes the fangirls melt, but is actually very creepy. It’s sweet for a guy to give a girl his jacket because he notices she’s cold, but quite another for a guy to bring a girl a jacket and tell her to wear it because he thinks she should be cold. Remember all those times your mother felt a chill and told you to go put on a sweater? Same concept.

“We drove through the fog-shrouded streets, always too fast, feeling awkward.” Edward still doesn’t care that his too-fast driving scares her. He knows best, after all.

“"No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly — it's unnatural. It makes me wonder what you're really thinking."” That’s because Bella has no higher thought processes. All she can think about is how gorgeous Edward is and whether his penis is as cold as the rest of him. Bella is incurious, and therefore, stupid. She’s curious enough to try to find out what Edward is, but she has no curiosity as to what that entails.

“"You don't want to hear it," I mumbled, almost whispered. As soon as the words were out, I regretted them. The pain in my voice was very faint; I could only hope he hadn't noticed it.” What pain? The only thoughts you don’t tell him are the ones where you want to ride that sparkly ass like Seabiscuit.

“He didn't respond, and I wondered if I had ruined the mood.” Because it’s always your fault.

“"Like I said, it's ostentatious. We try to blend in."” No, you don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t be driving your big shiny car, you would be wearing normal clothes, and you would talk to people.

“My heart spluttered hyperactively.” Are you sure it didn’t splutter softly or delicately or slowly?

“Three people walking in the door stopped to stare at me.” Has SMeyer ever actually been to a small town? High schools have a lot of gossip, yeah, but Bella and her doings being the be-all, end-all of Forks High social life makes no sense.

“agonized over whether Edward would really be listening to what I said through the medium of Jess's thoughts. How very inconvenient his little talent could be” The fact that he does not respect anyone’s privacy makes him such a naughty scamp!

“I reluctantly went to sit by her, trying to convince myself it would be better to get it over with as soon as possible.” Gawd, I hate it when people try to talk to me and stuff and actually show interest in my life.

Typo, page 97: "He offered to drive me to Seattle Saturday because he thinks [b]toy[/b] truck isn't up to it — does that count?" MY truck, not toy truck.

“"I do have some trouble with incoherency when I'm around him," I admitted.” I doubt that’s what she was talking about when she said he was intimidating and scary.

“"Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous." Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did.” You hypocritical bitch. Name one thing about Edward that is good besides his looks.

“She didn't get a chance to start on the subject again during class, and as soon as the bell rang, I took evasive action.” Poor poor Bella. People trying to be her friend and such.

“But outside the door to our Spanish class, leaning against the wall — looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to — Edward was waiting for me.” Bad sentence structure! BAD! No cookie!

“His voice was amused and irritated at the same time. He had been listening, it was obvious.” I really couldn’t care less that he eavesdrops on me and pries into my friend’s minds. It’s pretty sexy how he always has to keep tabs on me.

“He stepped up to the counter and filled a tray with food.

"What are you doing?" I objected. "You're not getting all that for me?"” Good God, he’s even in control of what she eats.

“"I did once… on a dare," I admitted. "It wasn't so bad."

He laughed. "I suppose I'm not surprised."” Because you have about as much spine as a jellyfish and will do anything any other person tells you.

Typo page 99: "I'm not surprised you heard something you didn't like. You know what they say about eavesdropners," I reminded him.” Though good point.

“"You did," he agreed, but his voice was still rough. "You aren't precisely right, though. I do want to know what you're thinking — everything. I just wish… that you wouldn't be thinking some things."” I hate it when you think things I don’t want you to think!

“"Yes, you are going to answer, or yes, you really think that?" He was irritated again.” I’m so annoyed that my hot and cold running manipulations have not convinced you totally of my undying love!

“As I searched for the words, I could see him getting impatient; frustrated by my silence, he started to scowl.” The fact that it angers me when you take a whole minute to answer my questions obviously proves that I love you more!

“That was the best I could sum up the sensation of anguish that his words triggered in me at times.” Oh God. Read some Emily Dickinson, you overdramatizing nitwit.

“I'll admit you're dead-on about the bad things," he chuckled blackly, "but you didn't hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day."” PRINCESS SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE ALERT!

“"I don't believe it…" I mumbled to myself.

"Trust me just this once — you are the opposite of ordinary."” Considering that her description of how plain she is was given in terms of glowing beauty…

“I care the most, because if I can do it" —" I wasn’t aware that love was a competition.

“— "if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."” Suicide is romantic!

“I glared. "And you don't think I would do the same?"” Really, really romantic! We’ve talked a grand total of seven times, and already we would kill ourselves for the other.

“Abruptly, his unpredictable mood shifted again; a mischievous, devastating smile rearranged his features. "Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant presence."” Oh, that’s not creepy at all.

“That idea would definitely get me in trouble.” Trouble? He’s not your father.

Typo page 101: "Do you really need to go to Seattle this Saturday, or was that just an excuse to [i]get[/i] out of saying no to all your admirers?" Once again with the improper italics.

“"Oh, he would have found a chance to ask you without me — I just really wanted to watch your face," he chuckled,” Every single time Edward is mentioned laughing, he’s laughing [i]at[/i] someone.

“"That wouldn't be a problem." He was very confident. "It's all in the leading." He could see that I was about to protest, and he cut me off.” O_O There should be a siren going off in her head right about now.

“"Can I drive?"

He frowned. "Why?"” Why would weak woman thing want to drive? Cars are for big manly men to drive.

“"With Charlie, less is always more." I was definite about that.” Why? He’s been an ideal father. Or do you just want to make sure he has to take a long time to search for your body?

“Again, he was leaving the choice up to me.” No, he’s not. This is something called ‘the illusion of choice’. He gave you no choice about Seattle, and now he’s giving you no choice about not Seattle. He knows that you would slice your own head off if he told you to.

“"I know," he sighed, brooding. "You should tell Charlie, though."

"Why in the world would I do that?"

His eyes were suddenly fierce. "To give me some small incentive to bring you back."

I gulped. But, after a moment of thought, I was sure. "I think I'll take my chances."

He exhaled angrily, and looked away.” Date rape/death threats are so sexy!

Typo page 102: “I looked away swiftly, back to him, and I. asked the first thing that came to mind.”

“He raised an eyebrow and the corners of his mouth turned down in disapproval.” How dare you ask me questions!?

“"we have to be careful not to impact the environment with injudicious hunting. We try to focus on areas with an overpopulation of predators — ranging as far away as we need.” SMeyer’s research fail yet again. America is definitely not running a surfeit of predators.

“"Oh, we have weapons." He flashed his bright teeth in a brief, threatening smile.” I just like to remind you that I want to eat you like a cheeseburger.

“The thick bands of muscle that wrapped his arms and torso were somehow even more menacing now.” Oh, now you get it.

“"Absolutely not!" His face turned even whiter than usual, and his eyes were suddenly furious. I leaned back, stunned and — though I'd never admit it to him — frightened by his reaction.” There’s that sexy violent temper again!

“"Too scary for me?" I asked when I could control my voice again.

"If that were it, I would take you out tonight," he said, his voice cutting.” I know what’s best for you, and scaring is what’s best for you!

Chapter 9: Love is Psychotic

“"I thought we were past all the evasiveness," I grumbled.” Again establishing that Bella is a petulant child and Edward is a big, strong grown-up. Also, I know he has super-senses and such, but other drivers don’t. I know it would scare the hell out of me to see a giant silver Volvo bearing down on me at Warp Speed, only to swerve aside at the last moment before collision. How many heart attacks has Edward caused by driving like the Fast and the Fabulous?

“"Fine, then. I followed your scent." He looked at the road, giving me time to compose my face. I couldn't think of an acceptable response to that, but I filed it carefully away for future study. I tried to refocus. I wasn't ready to let him be finished, now that he was finally explaining things.” I admit it. My jaw dropped a little in sheer awe that a paragraph that awkward made it past an editor… though my sojourn into Twilight hell has convinced me that there never was an editor. Or if there was… Good God, can you imagine what this looked like before? This guy has just admitted to her that he tracked her like some sort of demented bloodhound, and instead of thinking “How can he smell me? Why am I in the car with a nut who thinks he can follow me by my scent? This whole thing reminds me of that guy in Silence of the Lambs who Lecter got to kill himself because he said he could smell Clarice’s lady bits…” she starts thinking “Oh, GAWD! He’s so dreamy! I hope he answers all of my questions, most of which would revolve around his penis if I weren’t in a book written by a Mormon housewife!”

This whole scene is just… Edward is an asshole. I understand he’s keeping a whoo-scary secret, but he forces himself into this chick’s life, and when she displays the bare minimum amount of curiosity to suggest that she has a functioning brain, he gets all snippy with her. What kind of mind-reader is he that he thinks he can just save people from car smashing, track them by scent, read minds, and drive like a lunatic without ever having an accident or getting pulled over and then expects them not to be in the least bit curious as to how he pulls off these amazing feats? I guess Edward is also pretty gosh darn stupid, or just monstrously unobservant.

“"Most of the time I tune it all out — it can be very distracting. And then it's easier to seem normal" — he frowned as he said the word — "when I'm not accidentally answering someone's thoughts rather than their words." Red card! Improper use of separating dashes!

“He looked at me, his eyes enigmatic.” *facepalm* You know, I’m only one page into this chapter.

“"My mind doesn't work right? I'm a freak?" The words bothered me more than they should — probably because his speculation hit home. I'd always suspected as much, and it embarrassed me to have it confirmed.” Wait, what? Bella’s so convinced that she’s hot shit, why is she insecure all of a sudden? The only person she hasn’t made her superiority over abundantly clear is Edward.

Also, SMeyer is very inconsistent. When Edward finishes speaking, his sentences should end with a comma and a lower case ‘he’. About ¾ of the time, you get a period followed by a capitalized ‘He’, as if Edward were Jesus. Then you get it done properly. Once again, EDIT FAIL!

“"Aren't we past all the evasions now?" he reminded me softly.” Except when I want to be evasive!

“"Relax, Bella." He rolled his eyes, still not slowing.” Yeah, there’s a real winner of a guy. She just made it abundantly clear that he’s scaring the shit out of her, and his response is to roll his eyes and say he always drives that way. “Stop being such a big baby, I always chain my girlfriends to a wall in the basement and whip them!”

“"Probably," he agreed with a short, hard laugh. "But you can't."” After her comment that he could walk away from a horrific car crash. Way to remind her that she’s a weak, delicate flower.

“"I hate driving slow," he muttered.
"This is slow?"
"Enough commentary on my driving," he snapped.” YIKES! He’s driving over 100 miles an hour, scaring her, messing with her built-in compulsion to follow traffic laws, and then whines like a child when doing the “gracious” thing and slowing down a bit, followed by him getting mad when she asks him for the slight favor of not scaring the shit out of her. If Bella was at all intelligent, she would run away NOW. He likes scaring her and he whines when he doesn’t get his way, then gets mad. Perfect guy, my ass.

“He looked down at me, his honey eyes unexpectedly gentle.” My moods turn on a dime, but I’m a delight! Really!

“I edited all my scheming out of the story” Can’t let Eddie know what a manipulative bitch I am!

And SMeyer is still doing the incorrectly punctuated sentences.
Correct:
“I just came from the store,” I/he/she said.
Incorrect:
“I just came from the store.” I/He/She said.
Are we clear? Dandy.

“"I'd like to have seen that." He chuckled darkly. "And you accused me of dazzling people — poor Jacob Black."” It’s so funny when you break other boy’s hearts. It makes me larf.

“"No," I said softly. "It doesn't matter to me what you are."” Just keep being a very pretty asshole! Don’t change a thing, especially not the scaring me and yelling at me and the whining and the breaking into my house and the calling me stupid and laughing at me.

“A hard, mocking edge entered his voice. "You don't care if I'm a monster? If I'm not human !" Oh, Eddie-kins, you are a monster, but not the kind you think.

“The golden eyes held mine, and I lost my train of thought.” Gawd, how am I expected to think when there’s a pair of pretty eyes not watching the road?

“"This is a mistake?" I heard the sadness in my voice, but I didn't know if he could as well.” How stupid can you get?! He just told you he drinks human blood! You may be Princess Speshul Snowflake, but you’re still a human!

“His words hinted at an end, and I recoiled from the idea. I couldn't waste one minute I had with him.” Not until he eats me, anyway.

“"Tell me more," I asked desperately, not caring what he said, just so I could hear his voice again.” Bella needs to have an orgasm. I don’t care how crude that sounds, but she does, preferably by herself without fantasies of Edward. But we know she never reaches sexual self-discovery, because her happiness is 100% dependent on being glued to Edward.

“"Tell me why you hunt animals instead of people," I suggested, my voice still tinged with desperation. I realized my eyes were wet, and I fought against the grief that was trying to overpower me.” It’s probably just SMeyer’s rotten turn of phrase, but it sounds like she’s getting weepy that he might not think she’s tasty enough to eat.

Typo page 89: “But it keens us strong enough to resist.” I think you mean “keeps”.

“He chuckled. "You are observant, aren't you?"” No, she’s really not, or she would remember the names of the characters in her “favorite” book and she would notice that you throw up red flags like a state highway project.

“I didn't answer; I just listened to the sound of his laugh, committing it to memory.” I guess she’s taking that learn to masturbate advice….

“"I wasn't joking when I asked you to try not to fall in the ocean or get run over last Thursday. I was distracted all weekend, worrying about you.” Oh, this is just textbook. “Baby, I need to keep you close to me because you get hurt when I don’t tell you what to do. I’m not being controlling, I’m protecting you.”

“"Then why weren't any of you in school?" I was frustrated, almost angry as I thought of how much disappointment I had suffered because of his absence.” Dammit, if I can’t obsess over you, what can I do? Be an intelligent, independent human being?

"Don't you see, Bella? It's one thing for me to make myself miserable, but a wholly other thing for you to be so involved." He turned his anguished eyes to the road, his words flowing almost too fast for me to understand. "I don't want to hear that you feel that way." His voice was low but urgent. His words cut me. "It's wrong. It's not safe. I'm dangerous, Bella — please, grasp that."” Oh. My. God. Edward can read minds, so he knows that every woman and quite a few men who so much as glance at him instantly want to jump his pallid, undead bones. He continues forcing himself into Bella’s life, then just barely pulling back with “Oh, aren’t I mysterious and tortured?”, which is a guaranteed panty-melter for most women. And he’s surprised that she’s as obsessed with him as he is with her?

“"No." I tried very hard not to look like a sulky child.
"I'm serious," he growled.
"So am I. I told you, it doesn't matter what you are. It's too late."
His voice whipped out, low and harsh. "Never say that."” SMeyer shows her true colors again: Bella is always the unreasonable one, Edward is always right. And his little displays of temper are sexy.

“"Are you crying?" He sounded appalled.” That often happens when guys yell at girls for no reason, especially girls they’ve led on mercilessly.

“"You were going to fight them?" This upset him.” The weak woman thing show a hint of backbone!? We can’t have that! I’ll bet women who carry guns make Edward Cullen’s penis cry.

“I pulled his jacket off, taking one last whiff.” He smells like iodine and roses.

“It was the same exquisite scent that clung to his jacket, but in a more concentrated form.” *vomit* He pulls her in, blows in her face like she’s a dog he’s trying to tease, and she gets all swoony.

“I thought I heard him chuckle, but the sound was too quiet for me to be certain.” You can be certain that no matter what, Edward will laugh at you.

“"You made it home?" Her voice was relieved… and surprised.” I was actually calling to tell your Dad I thought you had been kidnapped, because a creepy guy from school was acting really, really controlling towards you. After all, despite you treating me like Bitchy McHateful, I’m an ideal friend.

And over the rest of the page, Bella describes a psychotic breakdown. Seriously, her movements, feelings, and sensations are all familiar to the day that I realized my eating disorder was absolutely out of control and that I was enslaved to it. It was the worst moment of my life, and I felt exactly like that, the hot and cold, the ache, the shivers, the nagging fear for my life mixed with apathy for the danger I knew I was in…

“And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.” That is not love. That is psychosis. Get yourself some help.