“He could drive well, when he kept the speed reasonable, I had to admit. Like so many things, it seemed to be effortless to him. He barely looked at the road, yet the tires never deviated so much as a centimeter from the center of the lane. He drove one-handed, holding my hand on the seat. Sometimes he gazed into the setting sun, sometimes he glanced at me — my face, my hair blowing out the open window, our hands twined together.” This makes no sense. He can read people’s minds, which is how he can drive so fast and never get caught, but what? Is he reading the car’s mind? I would be more scared to have him never looking at the road than I would to have him driving fast. Also… she’s got an old enough truck that it should be manual. He should be using his other hand at least part of the time.
“He had turned the radio to an oldies station, and he sang along with a song I'd never heard. He knew every line.” Is that supposed to be impressive? I know every line to a ton of old music, because I listen to it. Granted, I couldn’t sing you anything that’s on the radio now, but if you need the lyrics to the Andrews Sisters biggest hits, I’m your gal.
“"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh!" He shuddered. "The eighties were bearable."” Just a little bit on the music SMeyer doesn’t like, because obviously perfect Edward wouldn’t like it either. I’m also surprised he would dismiss two decades of very innovative music, as if it all sounded the same. Although I see Edward being a huge fan of glam rock. I’ll bet he had the enormous hair and gobs of eyeliner and the skintight Lycra over his scrawny frame. And he stomped around in his big boots looking all sullen and rebellious.
“"I wonder if it will upset you," he reflected to himself.” She just asked his age. Since she’s not upset by the fact that he is a legendary demon creature who murders humans for food, why would she be upset that he’s old? If he looked old, then she’d be totally creeped out, but that’s because old = ugly.
“He sighed, and then looked into my eyes, seeming to forget the road completely for a time.” HOLY SHIT GET YOUR EYES BACK ON THE ROAD
“He looked into the sun — the light of the setting orb glittered off his skin in ruby-tinged sparkles — and spoke.” Puuuuuurrrrrrpppppplllllleeeee. Also, why in the blue blazes is HE NOT EVEN GLANCING AT THE ROAD!?
“"They had already died from the disease. I was alone. That was why he chose me. In all the chaos of the epidemic, no one would ever realize I was gone."” See, that could be a lead-in to a fantastic creepfest of a story. An old vampire with a few wires crossed finds a pretty young orphan boy who is dying and kills him to turn him into his perfect companion. He then re-animates a suicide to play mommy to his golden boy and finds a pretty young dying rape victim and makes her to be the perfect bride for his favorite companion. Carlisle makes my skin crawl.
“"It was difficult. Not many of us have the restraint necessary to accomplish it. But Carlisle has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us… I don't think you could find his equal throughout all of history." He paused. "For me, it was merely very, very painful."” What’s humane and compassionate about that? He puts a dying kid who has just lost both his parents through unspeakable agony and gives him an everlasting thirst for human blood because he happens to be lonely.
“I suppressed my curiosity, though it was far from idle.” That’s a terrible sentence.
“No doubt his quick mind had already comprehended every aspect that eluded me.” Wait, what? What does that even mean? Does it mean that he’s quick enough to have realized the very big holes in his story or that he’s so much smarter than she is that he’s realized exactly where she is confused, even if she can’t?
“"No, that's just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had another choice."” They do have another choice. To die. SMeyer is obviously terrified of death and dying, so she sees only a physical immortal life as being worth striving for. She sees being stuck on this planet forever as a mercy, not a curse. It’s kind of weird to think that a woman who has been promised godhood on her own planet is so afraid of not being on Earth.
“The respect in his voice was profound whenever he spoke of his father figure.” Nothing wrong with respecting your “father”, but I just wanted to point out that he treats Esme with a sort of affectionate condescension, definitely not with respect.
“She was hunting — we were in Appalachia at the time — and found a bear about to finish him off.” I live on the edge of Appalachia. Yes, we do have bears, but bear attacks are extremely rare in this region. Our black bears tend to be smaller and much shyer, so why is he getting mauled by a bear?
“She carried him back to Carlisle, more than a hundred miles, afraid she wouldn't be able to do it herself. I'm only beginning to guess how difficult that journey was for her." He threw a pointed glance in my direction, and raised our hands, still folded together, to brush my cheek with the back of his hand.
"But she made it," I encouraged, looking away from the unbearable beauty of his eyes.” Rosalie’s struggles remind me how hot Edward is. How horrible for him to have to think of unpleasant things!
“They both developed a conscience, as we refer to it, with no outside guidance.” Actually, I think most people would refer to being bothered by eating humans as having a conscience.
“She sees things — things that might happen, things that are coming. But it's very subjective.” The big point – all the males have reliable powers, while the woman’s is shiftless and unreliable.
“I couldn't picture it, this godlike creature sitting in my father's shabby kitchen chair.” *eyeroll* Because one’s looks totally determine what they will and won’t do. And again, your father isn’t good enough because EDWARD IS HOT AND RICH!
“no longer the fantastic sparkling creature of our sunlit afternoon.” *snerk*
“"The door was unlocked?"
"No, I used the key from under the eave."
I stepped inside, flicked on the porch light, and turned to look at him with my eyebrows raised. I was sure I'd never used that key in front of him.” Ladies, this is a perfect time to start screaming.
“"I was curious about you."
"You spied on me?" But somehow I couldn't infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.” Bella is insane. Abso-flipping-lutely insane. He openly admitted to breaking into your house and spying on you, and you think that’s flattering? Thank God you don’t have a pet rabbit.
“He was unrepentant. "What else is there to do at night?"” Oh, how about anything other than breaking and entering and stalking? Doesn’t he have scrapbooks to make of her used tissues and chairs she’s sat on to lick?
“I let it go for the moment and went down the hall to the kitchen.” Okay, since I’ve actually been stalked, this is not how a sane woman reacts, even if she liked the guy before she found out he was a crazy stalker.
“He was there before me, needing no guide.” That’s actually pretty rude. When you go to a person’s house, you don’t barge into rooms ahead of them, even if you know where they are. Edward obviously flunked Miss Bluebird.
“I concentrated on getting my dinner, taking last night's lasagna from the fridge, placing a square on a plate, heating it in the microwave. It revolved, filling the kitchen with the smell of tomatoes and oregano.” And filling the novel with tedium and irrelevance.
“I still didn't turn around. "How often did you come here?"
"I come here almost every night."
I whirled, stunned. "Why?"” There is no correct answer for that. None. Why? Because he’s probably stealing your sweat socks to masturbate into and pretend he’s making sweet love to your feet. Hell, that would be the most positive thing that he could be doing.
“"You're interesting when you sleep." He spoke matter-of-factly. "You talk."” See, the thing is, sleep-talking rarely makes sense. I know several sleep talkers, and they may say full sentences, but those sentences make no sense. Bella is more likely to shout out ‘Giraffes are eating my popcorn! I’m going to shoot them!’ than she is to say his name.
“"No!" I gasped, heat flooding my face all the way to my hairline. I gripped the kitchen counter for support. I knew I talked in my sleep, of course; my mother teased me about it.
I hadn't thought it was something I needed to worry about here, though.” Um… what kind of things does she say in her sleep? Conversations with a sleep talker are like talking to a Dadaist. When I’ve revealed to friendsandrelations that they talk in their sleep, they usually respond with laughter when I tell them all the crazy things they’ve said.
“His expression shifted instantly to chagrin.” No it didn’t.
“"Are you very angry with me?"
"That depends!" I felt and sounded like I'd had the breath knocked out of me.
He waited.
"On?" he urged.
"What you heard!" I wailed.” So… now wouldn’t be a good time to tell you I read your diary and your e-mails and listen in on your phone conversations… Seriously, she is perfectly fine with Edward raping her friend’s minds, but this one suggestion that her privacy isn’t sacrosanct sends her into a tailspin. What a bitch.
“"You miss your mother," he whispered. "You worry about her. And when it rains, the sound makes you restless. You used to talk about home a lot, but it's less often now. Once you said, 'It's too green.'" He laughed softly, hoping, I could see, not to offend me further.” SMeyer has obviously never met a single person who actually talks in their sleep. This is Hollywood sleep talking – it’s only present as relevant to the plot.
“"Don't be self-conscious," he whispered in my ear. "If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I'm not ashamed of it."” I would sure as hell be self-conscious if I found out a guy I barely know has been coming into my room at night. I’d be sure he was going through my stuff… which we find out Edward has been doing. After all, he doesn’t need to respect puny humans, because they’re food.
“"Should your father know I'm here?" he asked.
"I'm not sure…" I tried to think it through quickly.” Why shouldn’t he? Charlie thinks Edward is salt of the earth. He may be a bit gruff about the new boyfriend thing, but I think the only way he would be mad would be if Edward had mounted her on the kitchen table.
“"Edward!" I hissed.
I heard a ghostly chuckle, then nothing else.” …. Bleh….
“"Bella?" he called. It had bothered me before; who else would it be?” You disrespectful little puke. Your car is outside, but your father encourages you to have friends. Maybe he hoped that you had gone out with one of them and had just left the lights on. He was just checking to see if you were home.
“He stepped on the heels of his boots to take them off, holding the back of Edward's chair for support.” Everything Edward touches becomes his.
“I took my food with me, scarfing it down as I got his dinner. It burned my tongue. I filled two glasses with milk while his lasagna was heating, and gulped mine to put out the fire.” Why in God’s name would you do that? It makes no sense. Why would you drag around a hot plate of scalding hot lasagna and bolt it down while microwaving another piece.
“Charlie sat in the chair, and the contrast between him and its former occupant was comical.” Now I really want to punch Bella across a room. What’s comical about her father being in his own house? Well, she does have this weird Daddy fetish with Edward, but even so. I obviously find my boyfriend more attractive than I find my dad, but to describe my father as “comical” compared to him would be unconscionable. Then again, I don’t hate my father.
“The words were rushed; I was dying to escape to my room.” There is no excuse for her treatment of her father. He has done nothing but be kind to her… which is probably why she hates him.
Typo page 139: "Ina hurry ?"”
“Why, oh why, did this have to be his night to pay attention?” Because tonight you’re displaying more emotional range than a teaspoon?
“I quickly scrubbed my dishes clean in the sink, and placed them upside down on a dish towel to dry.” I’m surprised we didn’t get a sentence like “I lifted my loaded fork to my mouth. I put the lasagna in my mouth and chewed it slowly. I wondered what Edward’s penis would taste like as I chewed. Like rare gemstones and Chanel no. 5, I decided. That would be delicious, while the lasagna was kind of bland. Microwaving did that. Edward would sparkle like diamonds in a microwave.”
“"None of the boys in town your type, eh?" He was suspicious, but trying to play it cool.” Oh no, he’s trying to be a good father again! Someone stop him!
Typo page 139: "He's Justa friend, Dad."
“"Well, you're too good for them all, anyway. Wait till you get to college to start looking." Every father's dream, that his daughter will be out of the house before the hormones kick in.” Or maybe it’s that he thinks maybe no one has asked you out and he’s trying to be nice. He’s also offering some very sound advice, considering he married his high school sweetheart and ended up getting crushed.
“No doubt he would be listening carefully all evening, waiting for me to try to sneak out.” Why? Why do you have this idea that he’s some sort of Draconian monster father who will shoot any boy right in the face? My father is a Colonel and a former linebacker, as well as being adamant about abstinence. He’s never been even half as paranoid about boys as Bella imagines her father to be.
“See you creeping into my room tonight at midnight to check on me.” If you’re not an undead creature trying to deflower me and then eat me, stay out! Why is it creepy for her father to check on her, but flattering to have Edward breaking into her room?
“He lay, smiling hugely, across my bed, his hands behind his head, his feet dangling off the end, the picture of ease.” Edward Cullen for Fruit of the Loom.
“"I'm sorry." He pressed his lips together, trying to hide his amusement.” He’s just laughed at her twice on one page.
“Then he leaned forward and reached out with his long arms to pick me up, gripping the tops of my arms like I was a toddler.” This whole chapter is making my stomach squirm. She keeps on dissing her father’s attempts to be fatherly, and creaming her panties at Edward being fatherly. What kind of sick complex does this girl have?
“I thought about having Edward in my room, with my father in the house.” I imagine he’d be rather surprised that you snuck a boy in, but what do you think he’s going to do?
“I banged the bathroom door loudly, so Charlie wouldn't come up to bother me.” He might ask if I was okay, or want to talk more about my life. How could he!?!
“I tried not to think of Edward, sitting in my room, waiting, because then I had to start all over with the calming process.” … guess she has one of those detachable showerheads.
“I rubbed the towel through my hair again, and then yanked the brush through it quickly.” That’s terrible for the hair, you know. I’ll bet Bella has split ends like nobodies business.
“Edward hadn't moved a fraction of an inch, a carving of Adonis perched on my faded quilt.” Yeah, Adonis was beautiful, but he was also an idiot and a jerk. So… I guess it’s an accurate description.
“As if he couldn't know Charlie's mind much more clearly than I could guess.” But if he has even the slightest idea what you’re privately thinking, you flip the fuck out.
“I could no longer hear the sound of his breathing.” Why is he breathing? He’s dead.
“You’re driving me crazy," I explained.
He considered that briefly, and when he spoke, he sounded pleased. "Really?" A triumphant smile slowly lit his face.” Yeah… Edward’s a virgin.
“And then to find, even though it's all new to me, that I'm good at it… at being with you…"” Don’t get too flattered, loverboy. She has orgasms from watching you blow your nose.
“"I'm trying," he whispered, his voice pained. "If it gets to be… too much, I'm fairly sure I'll be able to leave."
I scowled. I didn't like the talk of leaving.” Stay and murder me! Just don’t leave! Talk about your codependence.
“But his long hands formed manacles around my wrists as he spoke.” That’s only sexy if you’re into bondage play, and he’s doing this after telling her that it’s gotten a little bit easier for him not to just tear her throat out.
“He'd laughed more tonight than I'd ever heard in all the time I'd spent with him.” But he’s still laughing at you.
Here Edward goes into a long speech about his totally unreasonable jealousy. He describes feeling fury at other boys asking out a girl who he treated like garbage and more furious at the idea that she might accept. He breaks into her house for the first time, because he wants her as his property. Bella isn’t a person to him, she’s a plaything. A trophy.
“Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton…"” Vile Mike Newton? Last I checked, Mike hasn’t stalked a girl, threatened her, broken into her house, encouraged her to lie to her parents, and spent all his time laughing at her.
“His teeth gleamed. He drew my trapped hands around his back, holding me to his chest. I kept as still as I could, even breathing with caution.” Just reading this sentence, would you believe she was in love with this guy, or that she was scared to death of him? Fun game – pretend this is Bella’s re-write of her life with Edward after Stockholm Syndrome sets in.
“Why should I get off so easily?"” … never mind.
“I tried to pull back, to look in his face, but his hand locked my wrists in an unbreakable hold.” Remember girls, this is what romance looks like!
“I could feel his cool breath on my neck, feel his nose sliding along my jaw, inhaling.” God, that’s scary.
“"You have a very floral smell, like lavender… or freesia," he noted. "It's mouthwatering."” So she smells like shampoo? What’s mouthwatering about that? Maybe if she smelled like steak or chocolate cake… Next time I see my boyfriend I’m going to take a huge whiff of his neck and inform him that he smells like cedar and it makes my mouth water. He doesn’t and it doesn’t, but hey, if it’s romantic of Edward to love the taste of plants, why not me too?
“"Yeah, it's an off day when I don't get somebody telling me how edible I smell."” Freesia isn’t edible. Nor is it very appetizing.
“I didn't want to make this any harder for him than it already was.” I’m really tempted to count the double entendres that even I can spot.
“"I'm glad you can't read my thoughts. It's bad enough that you eavesdrop on my sleeptalking."” Of course it’s perfectly okay that you read the thoughts of everyone around me. They aren’t as important as I am.
“"That's certainly a problem. But that's not what I was thinking of. It's just that you are so soft, so fragile. I have to mind my actions every moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident… "If I was too hasty… if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don't realize how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you."” So they’re having the sex talk on their first date. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, since sex is all they have holding them together.
“"I'm curious now, though," he said, his voice light again. "Have you ever… ?"He trailed off suggestively.” What business is it of his?
“"I know. It's just that I know other people's thoughts. I know love and lust don't always keep the same company."
"They do for me.” At least she’s being honest about the lust, but there’s no love here.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Chapter 13: Which is More Pornographic than Pornography
“I couldn’t get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon.” I’m beginning to think that the PDF modified all these gets…
“His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.” And here it is people. Perhaps the most infamous passage in the book. Well, it’s not going to dissect itself:
First: Regular diamonds do not sparkle. They have a sheen, but they sparkle because they are faceted when they are cut. This is why his smooth skin sparkling does not make sense. He skin should at least feel like shark skin – smooth one way, rough another.
Second: Hello, Mr. Webster. So nice to see you again, my dear old friend.
in⋅can⋅des⋅cent [in-kuhn-des-uhnt] – adjective
1. (of light) produced by incandescence.
2. glowing or white with heat.
3. intensely bright; brilliant.
4. brilliant; masterly; extraordinarily lucid: an incandescent masterpiece; incandescent wit.
5. aglow with ardor, purpose, etc.: the incandescent vitality of youth.
scin⋅til⋅lat⋅ing [sin-tl-ey-ting] –adjective
1. animated; vivacious; effervescent: a scintillating personality.
2. witty; brilliantly clever: a scintillating conversationalist; a play full of scintillating dialogue.
Third: Lavender is always pale. That’s why it’s lavender and not some other shade of purple. Though how this paragraph could get more purple is beyond me. Also… why is he lying down in the sun, his shirt open and his eyes closed? It sounds like he’s there to shoot a perfume commercial, or he’s just laying it on really, really thick. She also never establishes him lying down. He gets into the meadow and the next thing you know, he’s posing for ‘Chagrin, the new fragrance by Stephenie Meyer’.
Fourth: Is this girl really sexually attracted to statues?
“I enjoyed the sun, too, though the air wasn't quite dry enough for my taste.” God, this girl would argue with the breeze. Which… yeah. She’s doing. Nothing is ever good enough for her.
“I would have liked to lie back, as he did, and let the sun warm my face. But I stayed curled up, my chin resting on my knees, unwilling to take my eyes off him.” She’s so hard up that she can’t bear to do what she really wants, because then she wouldn’t be staring at him. How’s that for a healthy relationship dynamic?
“The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.” You have it here, folks. Edward Cullen is Jesus.
“hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach. I marveled again at the perfect texture, satin smooth, cool as stone.” And he sounds like a description for a sex toy, rather than a person. She’s certainly not thinking about his mind here.
“His quick smile turned up the corners of his flawless lips.
"I don't scare you?" he asked playfully, but I could hear the real curiosity in his soft voice.” Even now he’s laughing at her. She’s just so sexually fascinated that she doesn’t realize it.
“"Do you mind?" I asked, for he had closed his eyes again.
"No," he said without opening his eyes. "You can't imagine how that feels." He sighed.” … And this book promotes chastity. Right.
“"Tell me what you're thinking," he whispered. I looked to see his eyes watching me, suddenly intent. "It's still so strange for me, not knowing."” Again, he’s just obsessed with being inside everybody’s head. He’s a busybody. ‘Tell me what you’re thinking’ is romantic, until he adds that little addendum that it drives him crazy to not just know, especially since he sneers at every other person because of their thoughts.
“"I don't want you to be afraid." His voice was just a soft murmur. I heard what he couldn't truthfully say, that I didn't need to be afraid, that there was nothing to fear.” She says she’s afraid of him… but… this is just getting weirdly inconsistent. She’s not afraid of him but she is afraid of him but she’s not. What?
“"What are you afraid of, then?" he whispered intently.” Second time she’s used “intently” in two pages. Also, you’ve already told her you could kill and eat her and she’s made sure no one will ever know. So I would guess that would be what she was afraid of.
“Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water. It was unlike anything else.” … she’s talking about his breath. That’s just gross, especially since he’s got dead animal on his breath.
“"I'm… sorry… Edward," I whispered. I knew he could hear.” She practically in tears because he ran away when she began sniffing his breath. While granted, that is really weird, that seems like an overreaction.
“Adrenaline pulsed through my veins as the realization of danger slowly sank in. He could smell that from where he sat.” So he’s an adrenaline sucking vampire?
“Unexpectedly, he was on his feet, bounding away, instantly out of sight, only to appear beneath the same tree as before, having circled the meadow in half a second.” You know, the physics of that boggle the mind.
“"As if you could fight me off," he said gently.” His voice has been described as mocking and bitter throughout this scene where he is deliberately intimidating her. The gentleness seems straight out of the Abusive Boyfriend’s Handbook, to quote RiffTrax.
“I sat without moving, more frightened of him than I had ever been.” Meta-Bella is being rather sensible, since he’s just shattered a tree branch and threatened to kill her.
“He'd never been less human… or more beautiful.” This is where SMeyer excuses herself by saying that she’s anti-human. In reality, it’s deeply disturbing that Edward’s humanity makes him less attractive.
“His lovely eyes seem to glow with rash excitement.” What?
“"Don't be afraid," he murmured, his velvet voice unintentionally seductive.” I’m sure it’s totally intentional. He’s already told you that his looks are perfect for drawing her in and making her easier to eat. The only problem is, that’s a lie, because other people find him creepy and off-putting. That’s a pretty lousy predator.
“He sat sinuously, with deliberately unhurried movements, till our faces were on the same level, just a foot apart.” The sinuous part would work much better as an adjective than an adverb.
Wrong: He sat sinuously.
Right: He sat down with sinuous grace / He sat in a sinuous motion.
“"Please forgive me," he said formally.” That’s not formal.
“"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?" he asked in the gentle cadences of an earlier century.” Wait, what? This makes no sense. At all. I talk like that myself, but no one calls my speech old fashioned. Also, the earlier century is the last one. He was born in 1901 and the book was written in 2003. Not that huge a difference, speech-wise.
“I looked down at his hand and doodled aimlessly across his smooth, iridescent palm.”
ir⋅i⋅des⋅cent [ir-i-des-uhnt] –adjective
1. displaying a play of lustrous colors like those of the rainbow.
That makes no sense. Also, she’s used ‘smooth’ to describe his skin three times in this chapter alone.
“"How easily frustrated I am," he sighed.” This comes out of left field entirely. She’s playing with his hand and he just says this. He also doesn’t really elaborate on what he means… so this is just random “old” talk.
“"Don't be!" He withdrew his hand, more gently this time; his voice was harsher than usual. Harsh for him, still more beautiful than any human voice. It was hard to keep up — his sudden mood changes left me always a step behind, dazed.” That’s because his mood swings are abnormal. They show him to be a deeply disturbed person at the very least. Also, so you know, he’s angry at her that she’s happy that he’s too selfish to leave her alone. Time for more death threats…
This whole scene… rather, this whole chapter is appalling. I’m not getting very far with randomly cutting and pasting lines, because they’re all equally bad, wrong, and creepy. It’s stalker-badong. Seriously, I finished reading Lady Chatterly’s Lover a few days ago, and it wasn’t this dirty. I wrote a paper on libertine pornographic novels from the Restoration, with an emphasis on Fanny Hill, and it wasn’t this dirty. The only thing I can safely say I’ve read that is more pornographic than this chapter is 120 Days of Sodom. Perhaps it’s because this is pretending to be pure and innocent, because they’re just holding hands, but this isn’t sexual tension. It’s sexual degradation. Comparing this to honest pornography or honestly sexually explicit novels is like comparing a sexually aggressive woman with a cocktease. That’s what this whole chapter is: a massive cocktease. Every syllable, every look, every touch is about sex – violent, degrading, porno sex. It’s practically rape on the page. But it’s pretending that it’s about sunshine and rainbows and cupcakes with Care Bears on them. I’m going to need a long shower after I finish this.
“"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac — and filled the room with its warm aroma — how do you think he would fare then?"” Again, he tells her that the only reason he wants to stay around her is because she smells like nom. NOM NOM NOM. Also, way to get to your target audience of tweens.
“"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" I teased, trying to lighten the mood.” That… heroin isn’t really brand named, is it?
“He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor."” So… not drinking human blood makes you break down the subtle differences and crave it more. Sounds like a really bad thing, actually. It also doesn’t make any sense.
“"What are you asking? My permission?" My voice was sharper than I'd intended. I tried to make my tone kinder — I could guess what his honesty must cost him. "I mean, is there no hope, then?" How calmly I could discuss my own death!” So at first she’s mad that he’s basically just told her it would be like an AA member taking a small drink or a dieter eating a piece of pie for him to eat her. A minor slip-up. And yet, she can’t stay rightfully angry that he would consider murdering her and drinking her blood a minor slip-up. Anyone got a clue-by-four to whap this girl in the head with?
“Who were you, an insignificant little girl" — he grinned suddenly — "to chase me from the place I wanted to be?” This is during his whole rant about how manfully he resisted murdering her. It’s dripping with misogyny and it’s disgusting.
“"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind… her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating." He frowned at the memory.” Oh you poor baby.
“But you were too interesting” Now there’s a blatant lie.
“Common sense told me I should be terrified. Instead, I was relieved to finally understand. And I was filled with compassion for his suffering, even now, as he confessed his craving to take my life.” That’s not compassion, that’s psychosis.
“"Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay." He shook his head indulgently.” Because women are weak and silly little creatures, and they only see as far as their golden child.
“"I'm an idiot."
"You are an idiot," he agreed with a laugh.” Yes, she is. And so are you.
“Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness …” This directly contradicts what he said about being the perfect predator. If only shallow idiots like Bella are taken in by the beauty, there’s no point to it.
“I knew at any moment it could be too much, and my life could end — so quickly that I might not even notice. And I couldn't make myself be afraid. I couldn't think of anything, except that he was touching me.” Because sexual satisfaction is more important than being alive.
“No one could be still like Edward. He closed his eyes and became as immobile as stone, a carving under my hand.” No, a corpse under your hand. Necrophilia! You know, for kids!
“"There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."
"I may understand that better than you think."
"I'm not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?"” Because they’re talking about sex, but they really can’t be open about it, because they don’t know each other at all.
“He held my hands between his. They felt so feeble in his iron strength.” And she gets off on that. I admit, I like a manly man, but I don’t like feeling powerless.
“I placed my cheek against his stone chest. I could hear his breath, and nothing else.” Why does he breathe? He’s dead.
“His mouth twitched up into that crooked smile so beautiful my heart nearly stopped.” This would just be purple prose, but SMeyer really believes that sexiness can make the heart stop. Which is why so many people died watching Marlon Brando take off his shirt in A Streetcar Named Desire.
“"Come on, little coward, climb on my back."” Aw, his first pet name for her!
“He smiled as he read my hesitation, and reached for me. My heart reacted; even though he couldn't hear my thoughts, my pulse always gave me away. He then proceeded to sling me onto his back, with very little effort on my part, besides, when in place, clamping my legs and arms so tightly around him that it would choke a normal person.” She doesn’t do what he wants instantly, so he does it for her. Nice.
“There was no resisting the iron strength of his hands. Then he pulled me around to face him, cradling me in his arms like a small child. He held me for a moment, then carefully placed me on the springy ferns.” Standard ‘That’s disgusting’ response.
“"Silly Bella," he chuckled. "Running is second nature tome, it's not something I have to think about."” Typo, page 132.
“Not the way a man might hesitate before he kissed a woman, to gauge her reaction, to see how he would be received.” She explains he’s hesitating to test himself, but it seems like another power play.
“And then his cold, marble lips pressed very softly against mine.
What neither of us was prepared for was my response.
Blood boiled under my skin, burned in my lips. My breath came in a wild gasp. My fingers knotted in his hair, clutching him to me. My lips parted as I breathed in his heady scent.
Immediately I felt him turn to unresponsive stone beneath my lips. His hands gently, but with irresistible force, pushed my face back. I opened my eyes and saw his guarded expression.” I told you it was pornographic. Does anyone else feel nauseated reading that?
“His eyes were wild, his jaw clenched in acute restraint, yet he didn't lapse from his perfect articulation.” Someone got a thesaurus for Christmas! And yet, no dictionary…
“His hands refused to let me move so much as an inch.
"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please." His voice was polite, controlled.” Ick ick ick….
“And I felt all the more besotted by him. It would cause me physical pain to be separated from him now.” Again, that’s not love. That’s a mental illness.
“"Nope. Not a chance."
He raised his eyebrows in disbelief.
I started to step around him, heading for the driver's side. He might have let me pass if I hadn't wobbled slightly. Then again, he might not have. His arm created an inescapable snare around my waist.” She already told him that SHE is driving. Like he promised. First he gets shocked that she defies him, then he physically prevents her from going against his orders.
“There was no way around it; I couldn't resist him in anything. I held the key high and dropped it, watching his hand flash like lightning to catch it soundlessly. "Take it easy — my truck is a senior citizen."
"Very sensible," he approved.” No, not sensible. This is sick and twisted and disgusting and gross and badwrong. This whole chapter has made me feel unclean. I’m going to go bathe.
“His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.” And here it is people. Perhaps the most infamous passage in the book. Well, it’s not going to dissect itself:
First: Regular diamonds do not sparkle. They have a sheen, but they sparkle because they are faceted when they are cut. This is why his smooth skin sparkling does not make sense. He skin should at least feel like shark skin – smooth one way, rough another.
Second: Hello, Mr. Webster. So nice to see you again, my dear old friend.
in⋅can⋅des⋅cent [in-kuhn-des-uhnt] – adjective
1. (of light) produced by incandescence.
2. glowing or white with heat.
3. intensely bright; brilliant.
4. brilliant; masterly; extraordinarily lucid: an incandescent masterpiece; incandescent wit.
5. aglow with ardor, purpose, etc.: the incandescent vitality of youth.
scin⋅til⋅lat⋅ing [sin-tl-ey-ting] –adjective
1. animated; vivacious; effervescent: a scintillating personality.
2. witty; brilliantly clever: a scintillating conversationalist; a play full of scintillating dialogue.
Third: Lavender is always pale. That’s why it’s lavender and not some other shade of purple. Though how this paragraph could get more purple is beyond me. Also… why is he lying down in the sun, his shirt open and his eyes closed? It sounds like he’s there to shoot a perfume commercial, or he’s just laying it on really, really thick. She also never establishes him lying down. He gets into the meadow and the next thing you know, he’s posing for ‘Chagrin, the new fragrance by Stephenie Meyer’.
Fourth: Is this girl really sexually attracted to statues?
“I enjoyed the sun, too, though the air wasn't quite dry enough for my taste.” God, this girl would argue with the breeze. Which… yeah. She’s doing. Nothing is ever good enough for her.
“I would have liked to lie back, as he did, and let the sun warm my face. But I stayed curled up, my chin resting on my knees, unwilling to take my eyes off him.” She’s so hard up that she can’t bear to do what she really wants, because then she wouldn’t be staring at him. How’s that for a healthy relationship dynamic?
“The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, paled next to his magnificence.” You have it here, folks. Edward Cullen is Jesus.
“hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach. I marveled again at the perfect texture, satin smooth, cool as stone.” And he sounds like a description for a sex toy, rather than a person. She’s certainly not thinking about his mind here.
“His quick smile turned up the corners of his flawless lips.
"I don't scare you?" he asked playfully, but I could hear the real curiosity in his soft voice.” Even now he’s laughing at her. She’s just so sexually fascinated that she doesn’t realize it.
“"Do you mind?" I asked, for he had closed his eyes again.
"No," he said without opening his eyes. "You can't imagine how that feels." He sighed.” … And this book promotes chastity. Right.
“"Tell me what you're thinking," he whispered. I looked to see his eyes watching me, suddenly intent. "It's still so strange for me, not knowing."” Again, he’s just obsessed with being inside everybody’s head. He’s a busybody. ‘Tell me what you’re thinking’ is romantic, until he adds that little addendum that it drives him crazy to not just know, especially since he sneers at every other person because of their thoughts.
“"I don't want you to be afraid." His voice was just a soft murmur. I heard what he couldn't truthfully say, that I didn't need to be afraid, that there was nothing to fear.” She says she’s afraid of him… but… this is just getting weirdly inconsistent. She’s not afraid of him but she is afraid of him but she’s not. What?
“"What are you afraid of, then?" he whispered intently.” Second time she’s used “intently” in two pages. Also, you’ve already told her you could kill and eat her and she’s made sure no one will ever know. So I would guess that would be what she was afraid of.
“Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water. It was unlike anything else.” … she’s talking about his breath. That’s just gross, especially since he’s got dead animal on his breath.
“"I'm… sorry… Edward," I whispered. I knew he could hear.” She practically in tears because he ran away when she began sniffing his breath. While granted, that is really weird, that seems like an overreaction.
“Adrenaline pulsed through my veins as the realization of danger slowly sank in. He could smell that from where he sat.” So he’s an adrenaline sucking vampire?
“Unexpectedly, he was on his feet, bounding away, instantly out of sight, only to appear beneath the same tree as before, having circled the meadow in half a second.” You know, the physics of that boggle the mind.
“"As if you could fight me off," he said gently.” His voice has been described as mocking and bitter throughout this scene where he is deliberately intimidating her. The gentleness seems straight out of the Abusive Boyfriend’s Handbook, to quote RiffTrax.
“I sat without moving, more frightened of him than I had ever been.” Meta-Bella is being rather sensible, since he’s just shattered a tree branch and threatened to kill her.
“He'd never been less human… or more beautiful.” This is where SMeyer excuses herself by saying that she’s anti-human. In reality, it’s deeply disturbing that Edward’s humanity makes him less attractive.
“His lovely eyes seem to glow with rash excitement.” What?
“"Don't be afraid," he murmured, his velvet voice unintentionally seductive.” I’m sure it’s totally intentional. He’s already told you that his looks are perfect for drawing her in and making her easier to eat. The only problem is, that’s a lie, because other people find him creepy and off-putting. That’s a pretty lousy predator.
“He sat sinuously, with deliberately unhurried movements, till our faces were on the same level, just a foot apart.” The sinuous part would work much better as an adjective than an adverb.
Wrong: He sat sinuously.
Right: He sat down with sinuous grace / He sat in a sinuous motion.
“"Please forgive me," he said formally.” That’s not formal.
“"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?" he asked in the gentle cadences of an earlier century.” Wait, what? This makes no sense. At all. I talk like that myself, but no one calls my speech old fashioned. Also, the earlier century is the last one. He was born in 1901 and the book was written in 2003. Not that huge a difference, speech-wise.
“I looked down at his hand and doodled aimlessly across his smooth, iridescent palm.”
ir⋅i⋅des⋅cent [ir-i-des-uhnt] –adjective
1. displaying a play of lustrous colors like those of the rainbow.
That makes no sense. Also, she’s used ‘smooth’ to describe his skin three times in this chapter alone.
“"How easily frustrated I am," he sighed.” This comes out of left field entirely. She’s playing with his hand and he just says this. He also doesn’t really elaborate on what he means… so this is just random “old” talk.
“"Don't be!" He withdrew his hand, more gently this time; his voice was harsher than usual. Harsh for him, still more beautiful than any human voice. It was hard to keep up — his sudden mood changes left me always a step behind, dazed.” That’s because his mood swings are abnormal. They show him to be a deeply disturbed person at the very least. Also, so you know, he’s angry at her that she’s happy that he’s too selfish to leave her alone. Time for more death threats…
This whole scene… rather, this whole chapter is appalling. I’m not getting very far with randomly cutting and pasting lines, because they’re all equally bad, wrong, and creepy. It’s stalker-badong. Seriously, I finished reading Lady Chatterly’s Lover a few days ago, and it wasn’t this dirty. I wrote a paper on libertine pornographic novels from the Restoration, with an emphasis on Fanny Hill, and it wasn’t this dirty. The only thing I can safely say I’ve read that is more pornographic than this chapter is 120 Days of Sodom. Perhaps it’s because this is pretending to be pure and innocent, because they’re just holding hands, but this isn’t sexual tension. It’s sexual degradation. Comparing this to honest pornography or honestly sexually explicit novels is like comparing a sexually aggressive woman with a cocktease. That’s what this whole chapter is: a massive cocktease. Every syllable, every look, every touch is about sex – violent, degrading, porno sex. It’s practically rape on the page. But it’s pretending that it’s about sunshine and rainbows and cupcakes with Care Bears on them. I’m going to need a long shower after I finish this.
“"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac — and filled the room with its warm aroma — how do you think he would fare then?"” Again, he tells her that the only reason he wants to stay around her is because she smells like nom. NOM NOM NOM. Also, way to get to your target audience of tweens.
“"So what you're saying is, I'm your brand of heroin?" I teased, trying to lighten the mood.” That… heroin isn’t really brand named, is it?
“He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor."” So… not drinking human blood makes you break down the subtle differences and crave it more. Sounds like a really bad thing, actually. It also doesn’t make any sense.
“"What are you asking? My permission?" My voice was sharper than I'd intended. I tried to make my tone kinder — I could guess what his honesty must cost him. "I mean, is there no hope, then?" How calmly I could discuss my own death!” So at first she’s mad that he’s basically just told her it would be like an AA member taking a small drink or a dieter eating a piece of pie for him to eat her. A minor slip-up. And yet, she can’t stay rightfully angry that he would consider murdering her and drinking her blood a minor slip-up. Anyone got a clue-by-four to whap this girl in the head with?
“Who were you, an insignificant little girl" — he grinned suddenly — "to chase me from the place I wanted to be?” This is during his whole rant about how manfully he resisted murdering her. It’s dripping with misogyny and it’s disgusting.
“"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what your reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your words in Jessica's mind… her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to that. And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating." He frowned at the memory.” Oh you poor baby.
“But you were too interesting” Now there’s a blatant lie.
“Common sense told me I should be terrified. Instead, I was relieved to finally understand. And I was filled with compassion for his suffering, even now, as he confessed his craving to take my life.” That’s not compassion, that’s psychosis.
“"Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay." He shook his head indulgently.” Because women are weak and silly little creatures, and they only see as far as their golden child.
“"I'm an idiot."
"You are an idiot," he agreed with a laugh.” Yes, she is. And so are you.
“Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness …” This directly contradicts what he said about being the perfect predator. If only shallow idiots like Bella are taken in by the beauty, there’s no point to it.
“I knew at any moment it could be too much, and my life could end — so quickly that I might not even notice. And I couldn't make myself be afraid. I couldn't think of anything, except that he was touching me.” Because sexual satisfaction is more important than being alive.
“No one could be still like Edward. He closed his eyes and became as immobile as stone, a carving under my hand.” No, a corpse under your hand. Necrophilia! You know, for kids!
“"There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."
"I may understand that better than you think."
"I'm not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?"” Because they’re talking about sex, but they really can’t be open about it, because they don’t know each other at all.
“He held my hands between his. They felt so feeble in his iron strength.” And she gets off on that. I admit, I like a manly man, but I don’t like feeling powerless.
“I placed my cheek against his stone chest. I could hear his breath, and nothing else.” Why does he breathe? He’s dead.
“His mouth twitched up into that crooked smile so beautiful my heart nearly stopped.” This would just be purple prose, but SMeyer really believes that sexiness can make the heart stop. Which is why so many people died watching Marlon Brando take off his shirt in A Streetcar Named Desire.
“"Come on, little coward, climb on my back."” Aw, his first pet name for her!
“He smiled as he read my hesitation, and reached for me. My heart reacted; even though he couldn't hear my thoughts, my pulse always gave me away. He then proceeded to sling me onto his back, with very little effort on my part, besides, when in place, clamping my legs and arms so tightly around him that it would choke a normal person.” She doesn’t do what he wants instantly, so he does it for her. Nice.
“There was no resisting the iron strength of his hands. Then he pulled me around to face him, cradling me in his arms like a small child. He held me for a moment, then carefully placed me on the springy ferns.” Standard ‘That’s disgusting’ response.
“"Silly Bella," he chuckled. "Running is second nature tome, it's not something I have to think about."” Typo, page 132.
“Not the way a man might hesitate before he kissed a woman, to gauge her reaction, to see how he would be received.” She explains he’s hesitating to test himself, but it seems like another power play.
“And then his cold, marble lips pressed very softly against mine.
What neither of us was prepared for was my response.
Blood boiled under my skin, burned in my lips. My breath came in a wild gasp. My fingers knotted in his hair, clutching him to me. My lips parted as I breathed in his heady scent.
Immediately I felt him turn to unresponsive stone beneath my lips. His hands gently, but with irresistible force, pushed my face back. I opened my eyes and saw his guarded expression.” I told you it was pornographic. Does anyone else feel nauseated reading that?
“His eyes were wild, his jaw clenched in acute restraint, yet he didn't lapse from his perfect articulation.” Someone got a thesaurus for Christmas! And yet, no dictionary…
“His hands refused to let me move so much as an inch.
"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please." His voice was polite, controlled.” Ick ick ick….
“And I felt all the more besotted by him. It would cause me physical pain to be separated from him now.” Again, that’s not love. That’s a mental illness.
“"Nope. Not a chance."
He raised his eyebrows in disbelief.
I started to step around him, heading for the driver's side. He might have let me pass if I hadn't wobbled slightly. Then again, he might not have. His arm created an inescapable snare around my waist.” She already told him that SHE is driving. Like he promised. First he gets shocked that she defies him, then he physically prevents her from going against his orders.
“There was no way around it; I couldn't resist him in anything. I held the key high and dropped it, watching his hand flash like lightning to catch it soundlessly. "Take it easy — my truck is a senior citizen."
"Very sensible," he approved.” No, not sensible. This is sick and twisted and disgusting and gross and badwrong. This whole chapter has made me feel unclean. I’m going to go bathe.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
12. In Which Death Threats are the Best Possible Foreplay
“"We get permits early on the razz," Jacob said” Do they call reservations ‘razz’? I honestly have no idea…
"I have to get around somehow." I recognized Billy's resonant voice easily, despite the years. Pg 112, another inappropriate italicization. Also, you had completely forgotten that this guy existed, because remembering going fishing with your father and his Injun friend was too painful for you to remember. It’s good to know Bella was always a self-centered little brat, though. It’s not just caused by Edward.
“Then I stood in the door, watching anxiously as Charlie and Jacob helped Billy out of the car and into his wheelchair.” If Bella hadn’t already been established as an absolute monster of selfishness, this could be read charitably. Instead, she’s anxious that Billy is going to tell her it’s a bad idea to date a cannibalistic undead creature and might tell her dad that she’s going around with a murderer. Fun fact – you know who else thought he was only killing the bad people? Hitler.
“Jacob scowled and ducked his head while I fought back a surge of remorse.” Liar. If you were capable of feeling remorse, you wouldn’t spend half your time jerking around his fuzzy little heart.
“"Naw, we ate just before we came," Jacob answered.
"How about you, Charlie?" I called over my shoulder as I fled around the corner.
"Sure," he replied, his voice moving in the direction of the front room and the TV.” Wait, I thought she wasn’t supposed to call him Charlie to his face, because it hurt his feelings. This could be a signal that Charlie doesn’t really care, but since he’s been nothing but caring, this seems more like a mistake.
“"So, how are things?" Jacob asked.
"Pretty good." I smiled. His enthusiasm was hard to resist. "How about you? Did you finish your car?" Wait, what? What enthusiasm? This isn’t even good telling, not showing, because we aren’t told he’s enthusiastic until this moment, and he shows no signs of particular enthusiasm at all during this scene.
“"I think Charlie chewed him out pretty good last time. They haven't spoken much since — tonight is sort of a reunion, I think. I don't think he'd bring it up again."” I think this is more establishing that white people are more reasonable than Native Americans. Billy Black knows what the Cullens are, and is suspicious of them. Charlie only sees Carlisle being a nice ol’ doc, and thinks they’re just so wonderful that he got into a screaming fight with his best friend over how wonderful they are. Maybe this whole family is just unnaturally attracted to the sparklepires… it would explain why laid-back Charlie would form such a strong opinion of how salt of the earth Carlisle is, and why the whole family must then be good. Also… we were told nothing of a coolness between Billy and Charlie. They were fishing together in the beginning of the book.
“pretending to watch the game while Jacob chattered at me. I was really listening to the men's conversation, watching for any sign that Billy was about to rat me out, trying to think of ways to stop him if he began.” I understand she’s worried, but she’s such a disrespectful little puke that I want to smack her.
“"Are you and your friends coming back to the beach soon?" Jacob asked as he pushed his father over the lip of the threshold.” ??? What does that even mean?
“"You take care, Bella," he added seriously.
"Thanks," I muttered, looking away.” GAW. How could he like act like I might need to take some care? Just because my boyfriend has told me that he wants to eat me.
“"Um… Mike Newton," I told him reluctantly.” Why is she so reluctant? Every time she tells him about one of her “friends”, he makes a positive comment about their family and goes along. Maybe she wanted to pretend that Mike’s family was a baby-eating Neo-Nazi group, so she could feel better about shunning him.
“I hurried so I would be ready to go the second Charlie left. I had my bag ready, shoes on, teeth brushed, but even though I rushed to the door as soon as I was sure Charlie would be out of sight, Edward was faster. He was waiting in his shiny car, window down, engine off.” Why are they sneaking around? WHY?! It makes no logical sense! Charlie thinks the Cullens are the nicest people in town! He got into an argument with his best friend over just how super-wonderful they are! So why in the names of all the gods that have ever been named are these two little brats playing out their “forbidden” fantasy as if it’s actually legitimate?
“He grinned his crooked smile at me, stopping my breath and my heart. I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious.” So… anyone else realize that there is no actual description of Edward? He’s pale, red haired, golden eyed, and has lean muscles and a crooked mouth. Nothing else. He’s just OMG BYOOTIFUL THOUGH!!!
“There was nothing about him that could be improved upon.” How about his personality?
“"How did you sleep?" he asked. I wondered if he had any idea how appealing his voice was.
"Fine. How was your night?"
"Pleasant." His smile was amused; I felt like I was missing an inside joke.” Good God. That is all kinds of levels of creepy.
“"Can I ask what you did?" I asked.
"No." He grinned. "Today is still mine."” The day is always yours, Sparkle-pants. She got to ask about five questions, you get to spend two days asking every single random thought that comes into your head, and when she dares to protest, you get mad and sulk.
“embarrassing me when he asked about boys I'd dated. I was relieved that I'd never really dated anyone, so that particular conversation couldn't last long.” You know, you don’t have to answer any of his questions. The only question he’s really entitled to ask you about your previous romantic history is whether you have any venereal diseases.
“"So you never met anyone you wanted?" he asked in a serious tone that made me wonder what he was thinking about.
I was grudgingly honest. "Not in Phoenix."” Why wonder what he’s thinking about? He’s just found another way to control you.
“His lips pressed together into a hard line.” It makes me so mad that you like me! How dare you!?
“"That’s okay, it's not that far of a walk."
He frowned at me impatiently. "I'm not going to make you walk home. We'll go get your truck and leave it here for you."” You know, I would be really uncomfortable with that. My boyfriend has driven my car without me in it, but we’ve been dating for a long time, and he doesn’t drive like Batman on his way to foil the Joker. Also, Edward just keeps on showing how unreasonable he is, by making a simple day much more complicated because he has to have her totally in his control for an extra 10 minutes a day.
“"I don't have my key with me," I sighed. "I really don't mind walking." What I minded was losing my time with him.” I weep for her. This poor deluded little fool.
“"All right," I agreed, pursing my lips. I was pretty sure my key was in the pocket of a pair of jeans I wore Wednesday, under a pile of clothes in the laundry room. Even if he broke into my house, or whatever he was planning, he'd never find it. He seemed to feel the challenge in my consent. He smirked, overconfident.” She seems quite okay with the idea of him breaking into her house. I wonder why her dad doesn’t have Brint or something.
“I refused to be convinced to fear him, no matter how real the danger might be. It doesn't matter, I repeated in my head.” You idiot. OF COURSE THE DANGER MATTERS! HE WANTS TO KILL YOU!
“"What time will I see you tomorrow?" I asked, already depressed by the thought of him leaving now.” Wow, co-dependent much?
“His voice turned sharp. "And if you don't come home, what will he think?"
"I have no idea," I answered coolly. "He knows I've been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe he'll think I fell in the washer."” He has just threatened to kill you again. How insane does one have to be to answer that with a stupid joke?
“He scowled at me and I scowled back. His anger was much more impressive than mine.” She’s even fascinated by his anger. Which will make it that much easier for him to become a woman-beating lout. Or, you know, to kill her, which he just admitted that he was very likely to do.
“He seemed bemused by my casual reference to his secret realities.” That is a terrible line. Nothing special, I just wanted to call all my reader’s attention to the fact that this line is awful.
“They sat staring off in different directions, exactly the same as the first time I'd seen them.” *snerk* I just got a mental image of all of them facing different directions with fish-stares. No wonder no one wants to talk to the Cullens.
“"They don't understand why I can't leave you alone."
I grimaced. "Neither do I, for that matter."” How I wish that was a Meta-Bella line, instead of a low self-esteem line.
“"I have a better than average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. But you… you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise."” First off, no you really don’t. Edward knows nothing about humans. At all. Second off, she only takes him by surprise because he isn’t in her head 100% of the time. If I knew what was going to happen right before it happened, I would think people were predictable too. But he doesn’t know people’s patterns because he knows human nature – he knows because he’s a mind-reader. I think SMeyer was going for a Charles Xavier thing, except Professor X does have a terrific grasp of human nature.
“I felt his eyes on my face but I couldn't look at him yet, afraid he might read the chagrin in my eyes.” YOU ARE NOT CHAGRINED!
“I looked back at Edward — and I knew he could see the confusion and fear that widened my eyes.” So she is capable of being afraid of people who want to kill her… if she doesn’t want to do them.
“I realized slowly that his words should frighten me. I waited for that fear to come, but all I could seem to feel was an ache for his pain.” This is supposed to show that they have a real loving love, but instead, it just makes her look stupid.
“her short, inky hair in a halo of spiky disarray around her exquisite, elfin face” That is terrible description. It’s more flowery than a funeral and a wedding being held in the same place.
“Her slight frame was willowy” *eye roll* Was it also slender?
“"Safe in Forks — what a challenge."
"For you it is a challenge." His jaw hardened. "Promise."” DO WHAT I SAY WEAK WOMAN THING!
“And Edward was worried about the time we'd spent together publicly… if things went wrong. I refused to dwell on the last thought, concentrating instead on making things safer for him.” So instead, you’re going to try to throw suspicion of your murder around a little bit so that he has plenty of time to get away. That’s sweet of you.
“My decision was made, made before I'd ever consciously chosen, and I was committed to seeing it through. Because there was nothing more terrifying to me, more excruciating, than the thought of turning away from him. It was an impossibility.” No, it’s not. You’re just a weak-willed baby who is easily swayed by a pretty face and a bad attitude.
“The lies came more naturally than usual, I noted with surprise.” There’s a good lesson for young girls. Lie! It gets easier the more you do it!
“"You know, you could come to the dance with our group anyway — that would be cool. We'd all dance with you," he promised.
The mental image of Jessica's face made my tone sharper than necessary.
"I'm not going to the dance, Mike, okay?"
"Fine." He sulked again. "I was just offering."” My God, this girl is an ungrateful bitch. Mike is being really, really nice. He thinks she doesn’t want to go because she wouldn’t be able to dance with people, so he says that she can come with the group and everyone will dance. I don’t see him actually sulking, but being rather hurt that she’s getting all snappish with him when he just offered to do something nice.
“The sound of the truck roaring to life frightened me. I laughed at myself.” Chicks, huh?
“Following the same instinct that had prompted me to lie to Mike, I called Jessica on the pretense of wishing her luck at the dance. When she offered the same wish for my day with Edward, I told her about the cancellation.” Got to give him that alibi so my murder is never solved, or better yet, thrown upon an innocent bystander! I hope they get the chair!
“She was more disappointed than really necessary for a third-party observer to be.” Maybe she’s just being sympathetic that this guy that you really, really like has suddenly flaked on you, and is sad that her instincts about Edward being a no-good-nik were accurate.
“I felt so guilty for deceiving him that I almost took Edward's advice and told him where I would be. Almost.” Aw, Dad, I hope they don’t accuse you of my murder.
“He wants me to be safe, I told myself again and again. I would just hold on to the faith that, in the end, that desire would win out over the others. And what was my other choice — to cut him out of my life? Intolerable. Besides, since I'd come to Forks, it really seemed like my life was about him.
But a tiny voice in the back of my mind worried, wondering if it would hurt very much… if it ended badly.” This clinches it. Bella is insane, and would probably be one of those women who marries serial killers in prison because only she understands him. She would have fit in very well with the Manson family, if only Charles were more handsome.
“I knew I was far too stressed to sleep, so I did something I'd never done before. I deliberately took unnecessary cold medicine — the kind that knocked me out for a good eight hours. I normally wouldn't condone that type of behavior in myself, but tomorrow would be complicated enough without me being loopy from sleep deprivation on top of everything else. While I waited for the drugs to kick in, I dried my clean hair till it was impeccably straight, and fussed over what I would wear tomorrow.” O.O So this book also condones drug use, if it’s for an important reason, like looking really pretty the next day. Thank God Bella is naturally skinny, otherwise we might get ‘I threw up dinner’ or ‘I didn’t eat for three days’.
“I woke early, having slept soundly and dreamlessly thanks to my gratuitous drug use.” And she just keeps hammering away that it was totally okay for her to take drugs in a manner inconsistent with their directions.
“He wasn't smiling at first — his face was somber.” Good morning, Bella. I’ve come to kill you. Do you mind if we drive to the coast, so I can throw your corpse into the sea?
“"Good morning," he chuckled.
"What's wrong?" I glanced down to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything important, like shoes, or pants.” So she knows that he only laughs at people.
“"We match." He laughed again.” I have an uncomfortable feeling that he did that on purpose while she was sleeping her drugged sleep.
“I laughed with him, hiding a secret twinge of regret — why did he have to look like a runway model when I couldn't?” It’s all about looks.
“He waited by the passenger door with a martyred expression that was easy to understand.” No, it’s really not. You’ve never been shown as anything but a good driver, so why is it such a sacrifice? It’s just because he can’t control your movements.
“"We're hiking?" Thank goodness I'd worn tennis shoes.
"Is that a problem?" He sounded as if he'd expected as much.” Because Bella’s no good unless she’s being carried around like a child.
“We drove in silence for a while as I contemplated the coming horror.” Bella is a whining baby, blah blah, you know the rest.
“"What are you thinking?" he asked impatiently after a few moments.” I can’t stand five seconds of silence!
“"But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?" He seemed cheered by the idea.
"No, I told her you canceled on me — which is true."
"No one knows you're with me?" Angrily, now.” Well, for once he has a bit of a right to be angry… except the whole forcing his presence on her when he should have the cojones to stay away.
“"Are you so depressed by Forks that it's made you suicidal?" he demanded when I ignored him.
"You said it might cause trouble for you… us being together publicly," I reminded him.
"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause me — if you don't come home?" His voice was still angry, and bitingly sarcastic.” I haven’t threatened to murder you enough times this morning! Really, Edward is the only person in this book more selfish than Bella. Also, the italics are really weird there.
“We were silent for the rest of the drive. I could feel the waves of infuriated disapproval rolling off of him, and I could think of nothing to say.” He has no right to disapprove. If he wanted, he could call anyone and tell them where you are, because I can’t imagine that he doesn’t have a cell phone. But instead, he’s mad that he might actually have to make a conscious decision not to murder her (trust me, I have a lot of sympathy for that urge), instead of just not murdering her because someone would be sure to know it was him.
“afraid because he was angry with me and I didn't have driving as an excuse not to look at him.” You should never be afraid of your SO.
“"I won't let you get lost." He turned then, with a mocking smile, and I stifled a gasp.” Edward appears half-naked in front of her, so that she’d follow him to the ends of the earth, because she is the most sexually frustrated girl alive.
“It wasn't as hard as I had feared.” Nothing ever is.
“I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness.” If Edward knew as much about human nature as he claims, he would know that all girls feel ugly at some points. There isn’t a girl alive who is 100% secure in her appearance all the time, and standing next to a nearly shirtless supermodel probably doesn’t help.
“He asked about my birthdays, my grade school teachers, my childhood pets — and I had to admit that after killing three fish in a row, I'd given up on the whole institution. He laughed at that, louder than I was used to — bell-like echoes bouncing back to us from the empty woods.” The death of helpless animals is funny! Also, why her grade school teachers? WHY? It makes no sense.
"I have to get around somehow." I recognized Billy's resonant voice easily, despite the years. Pg 112, another inappropriate italicization. Also, you had completely forgotten that this guy existed, because remembering going fishing with your father and his Injun friend was too painful for you to remember. It’s good to know Bella was always a self-centered little brat, though. It’s not just caused by Edward.
“Then I stood in the door, watching anxiously as Charlie and Jacob helped Billy out of the car and into his wheelchair.” If Bella hadn’t already been established as an absolute monster of selfishness, this could be read charitably. Instead, she’s anxious that Billy is going to tell her it’s a bad idea to date a cannibalistic undead creature and might tell her dad that she’s going around with a murderer. Fun fact – you know who else thought he was only killing the bad people? Hitler.
“Jacob scowled and ducked his head while I fought back a surge of remorse.” Liar. If you were capable of feeling remorse, you wouldn’t spend half your time jerking around his fuzzy little heart.
“"Naw, we ate just before we came," Jacob answered.
"How about you, Charlie?" I called over my shoulder as I fled around the corner.
"Sure," he replied, his voice moving in the direction of the front room and the TV.” Wait, I thought she wasn’t supposed to call him Charlie to his face, because it hurt his feelings. This could be a signal that Charlie doesn’t really care, but since he’s been nothing but caring, this seems more like a mistake.
“"So, how are things?" Jacob asked.
"Pretty good." I smiled. His enthusiasm was hard to resist. "How about you? Did you finish your car?" Wait, what? What enthusiasm? This isn’t even good telling, not showing, because we aren’t told he’s enthusiastic until this moment, and he shows no signs of particular enthusiasm at all during this scene.
“"I think Charlie chewed him out pretty good last time. They haven't spoken much since — tonight is sort of a reunion, I think. I don't think he'd bring it up again."” I think this is more establishing that white people are more reasonable than Native Americans. Billy Black knows what the Cullens are, and is suspicious of them. Charlie only sees Carlisle being a nice ol’ doc, and thinks they’re just so wonderful that he got into a screaming fight with his best friend over how wonderful they are. Maybe this whole family is just unnaturally attracted to the sparklepires… it would explain why laid-back Charlie would form such a strong opinion of how salt of the earth Carlisle is, and why the whole family must then be good. Also… we were told nothing of a coolness between Billy and Charlie. They were fishing together in the beginning of the book.
“pretending to watch the game while Jacob chattered at me. I was really listening to the men's conversation, watching for any sign that Billy was about to rat me out, trying to think of ways to stop him if he began.” I understand she’s worried, but she’s such a disrespectful little puke that I want to smack her.
“"Are you and your friends coming back to the beach soon?" Jacob asked as he pushed his father over the lip of the threshold.” ??? What does that even mean?
“"You take care, Bella," he added seriously.
"Thanks," I muttered, looking away.” GAW. How could he like act like I might need to take some care? Just because my boyfriend has told me that he wants to eat me.
“"Um… Mike Newton," I told him reluctantly.” Why is she so reluctant? Every time she tells him about one of her “friends”, he makes a positive comment about their family and goes along. Maybe she wanted to pretend that Mike’s family was a baby-eating Neo-Nazi group, so she could feel better about shunning him.
“I hurried so I would be ready to go the second Charlie left. I had my bag ready, shoes on, teeth brushed, but even though I rushed to the door as soon as I was sure Charlie would be out of sight, Edward was faster. He was waiting in his shiny car, window down, engine off.” Why are they sneaking around? WHY?! It makes no logical sense! Charlie thinks the Cullens are the nicest people in town! He got into an argument with his best friend over just how super-wonderful they are! So why in the names of all the gods that have ever been named are these two little brats playing out their “forbidden” fantasy as if it’s actually legitimate?
“He grinned his crooked smile at me, stopping my breath and my heart. I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious.” So… anyone else realize that there is no actual description of Edward? He’s pale, red haired, golden eyed, and has lean muscles and a crooked mouth. Nothing else. He’s just OMG BYOOTIFUL THOUGH!!!
“There was nothing about him that could be improved upon.” How about his personality?
“"How did you sleep?" he asked. I wondered if he had any idea how appealing his voice was.
"Fine. How was your night?"
"Pleasant." His smile was amused; I felt like I was missing an inside joke.” Good God. That is all kinds of levels of creepy.
“"Can I ask what you did?" I asked.
"No." He grinned. "Today is still mine."” The day is always yours, Sparkle-pants. She got to ask about five questions, you get to spend two days asking every single random thought that comes into your head, and when she dares to protest, you get mad and sulk.
“embarrassing me when he asked about boys I'd dated. I was relieved that I'd never really dated anyone, so that particular conversation couldn't last long.” You know, you don’t have to answer any of his questions. The only question he’s really entitled to ask you about your previous romantic history is whether you have any venereal diseases.
“"So you never met anyone you wanted?" he asked in a serious tone that made me wonder what he was thinking about.
I was grudgingly honest. "Not in Phoenix."” Why wonder what he’s thinking about? He’s just found another way to control you.
“His lips pressed together into a hard line.” It makes me so mad that you like me! How dare you!?
“"That’s okay, it's not that far of a walk."
He frowned at me impatiently. "I'm not going to make you walk home. We'll go get your truck and leave it here for you."” You know, I would be really uncomfortable with that. My boyfriend has driven my car without me in it, but we’ve been dating for a long time, and he doesn’t drive like Batman on his way to foil the Joker. Also, Edward just keeps on showing how unreasonable he is, by making a simple day much more complicated because he has to have her totally in his control for an extra 10 minutes a day.
“"I don't have my key with me," I sighed. "I really don't mind walking." What I minded was losing my time with him.” I weep for her. This poor deluded little fool.
“"All right," I agreed, pursing my lips. I was pretty sure my key was in the pocket of a pair of jeans I wore Wednesday, under a pile of clothes in the laundry room. Even if he broke into my house, or whatever he was planning, he'd never find it. He seemed to feel the challenge in my consent. He smirked, overconfident.” She seems quite okay with the idea of him breaking into her house. I wonder why her dad doesn’t have Brint or something.
“I refused to be convinced to fear him, no matter how real the danger might be. It doesn't matter, I repeated in my head.” You idiot. OF COURSE THE DANGER MATTERS! HE WANTS TO KILL YOU!
“"What time will I see you tomorrow?" I asked, already depressed by the thought of him leaving now.” Wow, co-dependent much?
“His voice turned sharp. "And if you don't come home, what will he think?"
"I have no idea," I answered coolly. "He knows I've been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe he'll think I fell in the washer."” He has just threatened to kill you again. How insane does one have to be to answer that with a stupid joke?
“He scowled at me and I scowled back. His anger was much more impressive than mine.” She’s even fascinated by his anger. Which will make it that much easier for him to become a woman-beating lout. Or, you know, to kill her, which he just admitted that he was very likely to do.
“He seemed bemused by my casual reference to his secret realities.” That is a terrible line. Nothing special, I just wanted to call all my reader’s attention to the fact that this line is awful.
“They sat staring off in different directions, exactly the same as the first time I'd seen them.” *snerk* I just got a mental image of all of them facing different directions with fish-stares. No wonder no one wants to talk to the Cullens.
“"They don't understand why I can't leave you alone."
I grimaced. "Neither do I, for that matter."” How I wish that was a Meta-Bella line, instead of a low self-esteem line.
“"I have a better than average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. But you… you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise."” First off, no you really don’t. Edward knows nothing about humans. At all. Second off, she only takes him by surprise because he isn’t in her head 100% of the time. If I knew what was going to happen right before it happened, I would think people were predictable too. But he doesn’t know people’s patterns because he knows human nature – he knows because he’s a mind-reader. I think SMeyer was going for a Charles Xavier thing, except Professor X does have a terrific grasp of human nature.
“I felt his eyes on my face but I couldn't look at him yet, afraid he might read the chagrin in my eyes.” YOU ARE NOT CHAGRINED!
“I looked back at Edward — and I knew he could see the confusion and fear that widened my eyes.” So she is capable of being afraid of people who want to kill her… if she doesn’t want to do them.
“I realized slowly that his words should frighten me. I waited for that fear to come, but all I could seem to feel was an ache for his pain.” This is supposed to show that they have a real loving love, but instead, it just makes her look stupid.
“her short, inky hair in a halo of spiky disarray around her exquisite, elfin face” That is terrible description. It’s more flowery than a funeral and a wedding being held in the same place.
“Her slight frame was willowy” *eye roll* Was it also slender?
“"Safe in Forks — what a challenge."
"For you it is a challenge." His jaw hardened. "Promise."” DO WHAT I SAY WEAK WOMAN THING!
“And Edward was worried about the time we'd spent together publicly… if things went wrong. I refused to dwell on the last thought, concentrating instead on making things safer for him.” So instead, you’re going to try to throw suspicion of your murder around a little bit so that he has plenty of time to get away. That’s sweet of you.
“My decision was made, made before I'd ever consciously chosen, and I was committed to seeing it through. Because there was nothing more terrifying to me, more excruciating, than the thought of turning away from him. It was an impossibility.” No, it’s not. You’re just a weak-willed baby who is easily swayed by a pretty face and a bad attitude.
“The lies came more naturally than usual, I noted with surprise.” There’s a good lesson for young girls. Lie! It gets easier the more you do it!
“"You know, you could come to the dance with our group anyway — that would be cool. We'd all dance with you," he promised.
The mental image of Jessica's face made my tone sharper than necessary.
"I'm not going to the dance, Mike, okay?"
"Fine." He sulked again. "I was just offering."” My God, this girl is an ungrateful bitch. Mike is being really, really nice. He thinks she doesn’t want to go because she wouldn’t be able to dance with people, so he says that she can come with the group and everyone will dance. I don’t see him actually sulking, but being rather hurt that she’s getting all snappish with him when he just offered to do something nice.
“The sound of the truck roaring to life frightened me. I laughed at myself.” Chicks, huh?
“Following the same instinct that had prompted me to lie to Mike, I called Jessica on the pretense of wishing her luck at the dance. When she offered the same wish for my day with Edward, I told her about the cancellation.” Got to give him that alibi so my murder is never solved, or better yet, thrown upon an innocent bystander! I hope they get the chair!
“She was more disappointed than really necessary for a third-party observer to be.” Maybe she’s just being sympathetic that this guy that you really, really like has suddenly flaked on you, and is sad that her instincts about Edward being a no-good-nik were accurate.
“I felt so guilty for deceiving him that I almost took Edward's advice and told him where I would be. Almost.” Aw, Dad, I hope they don’t accuse you of my murder.
“He wants me to be safe, I told myself again and again. I would just hold on to the faith that, in the end, that desire would win out over the others. And what was my other choice — to cut him out of my life? Intolerable. Besides, since I'd come to Forks, it really seemed like my life was about him.
But a tiny voice in the back of my mind worried, wondering if it would hurt very much… if it ended badly.” This clinches it. Bella is insane, and would probably be one of those women who marries serial killers in prison because only she understands him. She would have fit in very well with the Manson family, if only Charles were more handsome.
“I knew I was far too stressed to sleep, so I did something I'd never done before. I deliberately took unnecessary cold medicine — the kind that knocked me out for a good eight hours. I normally wouldn't condone that type of behavior in myself, but tomorrow would be complicated enough without me being loopy from sleep deprivation on top of everything else. While I waited for the drugs to kick in, I dried my clean hair till it was impeccably straight, and fussed over what I would wear tomorrow.” O.O So this book also condones drug use, if it’s for an important reason, like looking really pretty the next day. Thank God Bella is naturally skinny, otherwise we might get ‘I threw up dinner’ or ‘I didn’t eat for three days’.
“I woke early, having slept soundly and dreamlessly thanks to my gratuitous drug use.” And she just keeps hammering away that it was totally okay for her to take drugs in a manner inconsistent with their directions.
“He wasn't smiling at first — his face was somber.” Good morning, Bella. I’ve come to kill you. Do you mind if we drive to the coast, so I can throw your corpse into the sea?
“"Good morning," he chuckled.
"What's wrong?" I glanced down to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything important, like shoes, or pants.” So she knows that he only laughs at people.
“"We match." He laughed again.” I have an uncomfortable feeling that he did that on purpose while she was sleeping her drugged sleep.
“I laughed with him, hiding a secret twinge of regret — why did he have to look like a runway model when I couldn't?” It’s all about looks.
“He waited by the passenger door with a martyred expression that was easy to understand.” No, it’s really not. You’ve never been shown as anything but a good driver, so why is it such a sacrifice? It’s just because he can’t control your movements.
“"We're hiking?" Thank goodness I'd worn tennis shoes.
"Is that a problem?" He sounded as if he'd expected as much.” Because Bella’s no good unless she’s being carried around like a child.
“We drove in silence for a while as I contemplated the coming horror.” Bella is a whining baby, blah blah, you know the rest.
“"What are you thinking?" he asked impatiently after a few moments.” I can’t stand five seconds of silence!
“"But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?" He seemed cheered by the idea.
"No, I told her you canceled on me — which is true."
"No one knows you're with me?" Angrily, now.” Well, for once he has a bit of a right to be angry… except the whole forcing his presence on her when he should have the cojones to stay away.
“"Are you so depressed by Forks that it's made you suicidal?" he demanded when I ignored him.
"You said it might cause trouble for you… us being together publicly," I reminded him.
"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause me — if you don't come home?" His voice was still angry, and bitingly sarcastic.” I haven’t threatened to murder you enough times this morning! Really, Edward is the only person in this book more selfish than Bella. Also, the italics are really weird there.
“We were silent for the rest of the drive. I could feel the waves of infuriated disapproval rolling off of him, and I could think of nothing to say.” He has no right to disapprove. If he wanted, he could call anyone and tell them where you are, because I can’t imagine that he doesn’t have a cell phone. But instead, he’s mad that he might actually have to make a conscious decision not to murder her (trust me, I have a lot of sympathy for that urge), instead of just not murdering her because someone would be sure to know it was him.
“afraid because he was angry with me and I didn't have driving as an excuse not to look at him.” You should never be afraid of your SO.
“"I won't let you get lost." He turned then, with a mocking smile, and I stifled a gasp.” Edward appears half-naked in front of her, so that she’d follow him to the ends of the earth, because she is the most sexually frustrated girl alive.
“It wasn't as hard as I had feared.” Nothing ever is.
“I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness.” If Edward knew as much about human nature as he claims, he would know that all girls feel ugly at some points. There isn’t a girl alive who is 100% secure in her appearance all the time, and standing next to a nearly shirtless supermodel probably doesn’t help.
“He asked about my birthdays, my grade school teachers, my childhood pets — and I had to admit that after killing three fish in a row, I'd given up on the whole institution. He laughed at that, louder than I was used to — bell-like echoes bouncing back to us from the empty woods.” The death of helpless animals is funny! Also, why her grade school teachers? WHY? It makes no sense.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Chapter 11: Wherein Bella Must Make Her Own Drama to Get Any
“And then, as the room went black, I was suddenly hyperaware that Edward was sitting less than an inch from me.” Like, OMG! I guess this is good in that teenage girls really do get awkward when their crushes are sitting really close to them, but since her devotion to Edward borders on the slavish, this seems sort of creepy.
“A crazy impulse to reach over and touch him, to stroke his perfect face just once in the darkness, nearly overwhelmed me.” Why is it crazy? He said about two hours ago that you two are dating. Are you afraid that he’ll eat your hand? If so, here’s Meta-Bella being her sensible self again.
“I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, my hands balling into fists.” If I didn’t do this, I would have both hands and possibly my textbook in my panties.
“I was losing my mind.” … Too easy.
“The opening credits began, lighting the room by a token amount.” A token amount? I guess it’s sort of correct, since it can mean small, but this just sounds so incredibly awkward in the context of room lighting. You pay a token amount, you don’t light it. By the way, I’ve just quoted over a whole sequential paragraph of bad lines.
“He grinned back, his eyes somehow managing to smolder, even in the dark.” The sexy grinning smolder? Who is this kid, Fabio?
“I looked away before I could start hyperventilating.” … and here, yet again, she perfectly describes mental illness. The last time a man made me hyperventilate, it was because he had previously threatened me with grievous bodily harm, and I was alone in the same room with him. Which is Bella’s situation too, when you think about it, but instead of making her frightened, it’s making her horny. Fun challenge for those of you playing the home game: Diagnose Bella!
“It was absolutely ridiculous that I should feel dizzy.” So, what mental illness attracts one strongly to danger, causes obsession that actually crosses the line into physical illness, and yet leaves the subject rational enough to realize that all is not right in the state of
“The overpowering craving to touch him also refused to fade, and I crushed my fists safely against my ribs until my fingers were aching with the effort.” He’s already said he’s your boyfriend. Why are you so afraid to touch him? Beyond that you have suddenly grown a brain and realized that you are a hors d'oeuvre to him.
“Edward chuckled beside me.” It’s funny when you hurt yourself! Seriously, we do not have one instance of his laugh where he is not laughing at someone. Great sense of humor, my cat’s fluffy white butt.
“His voice was dark and his eyes were cautious.” He’s just so gol darn [i]mysterious[/i], ain’t he?
“I stood with care, worried my balance might have been affected by the strange new intensity between us.” Any new diagnoses?
“His face startled me — his expression was torn, almost pained, and so fiercely beautiful that the ache to touch him flared as strong as before.” If I leave you alone for thirty seconds, you will surely be decapitated by a piece of loose leaf. I hate not carrying you around on my back like a baby.
“I drifted to the locker room, changing in a trancelike state, only vaguely aware that there were other people surrounding me.” And Edward has roofies in his fingertips. Of course.
“Mercifully, some vestiges of Mike's chivalry still survived; he came to stand beside me.” Um, why wouldn’t they survive? He’s been shown as nothing but a really nice guy, who may be interested romantically, but is willing to be a friend. THE HORROR!
“Sometimes it was so easy to like Mike.” And the rest of the time he was a hateful little worm, because he’s only human-attractive.
“"You and Cullen, huh?" he asked, his tone rebellious.” Rebellious? Princess Speshul Snowflake Alert! First Lauren was insolent and now Mike is rebellious? Also, this makes no sense in it’s abruptness. Here we are, having a good time and now ‘OH YOU WHORISH WHORE!’. Quoi?
“"I don't like it," he muttered anyway.
"You don't have to," I snapped.
"He looks at you like… like you're something to eat," he continued, ignoring me.”
Oh GAWD. Here’s this stupid [i]mundane[/i] trying to tell me my new squishybuns doesn’t seem right. Obviously, it’s jealousy. This would be funnier if every person I know who had gotten involved with an abuser hadn’t have done exactly the same thing. We weren’t concerned because there was something [i]wrong[/i] with their partner, we were [i]jealous[/i]!
“I dressed quickly, something stronger than butterflies battering recklessly against the walls of my stomach, my argument with Mike already a distant memory. I was wondering if Edward would be waiting, or if I should meet him at his car.” Hum-de-dum, my friend just told me my new cuddly-poo was shooting me raep faces and he was worried for me. I wonder whether I should wear panties on our next date, or if I should go ahead and take some date rape drugs first.
“Was I supposed to know that they knew that I knew, or not?” Que?
“His eyes slid back to mine, still tight. "
“"You weren't listening again?" I was horror-struck. All traces of my sudden good humor vanished.
"How's your head?" he asked innocently.
"You're unbelievable!" I turned, stomping away in the general direction of the parking lot, though I hadn't ruled out walking at this point.
"You were the one who mentioned how I'd never seen you in Gym — it made me
curious." He didn't sound repentant, so I ignored him.” Go, Meta-Bella! And kick him in the sparkly nuts for good measure!
“"Maybe… if you mean it. And if you promise not to do it again," I insisted.
His eyes were suddenly shrewd. "How about if I mean it, and I agree to let you drive Saturday?" he countered my conditions.” I can’t promise not to spy on you every second of your life, but you can drive once in awhile. At least if I say so.
“I considered, and decided it was probably the best offer I would get. "Deal," I agreed.” And Meta-Bella disappears under a mountain of hormonal stupidity. The best offer you should get is exactly what you asked – your privacy is not something to be bargained with. This is like ‘Well, I won’t promise I won’t hit you again, but I’ll give you a big cookie this time!’
“"Then I'm very sorry I upset you."” Oh, thank you [i]soooo[/i] much. He’s not at all sorry that he’s completely invading her privacy, he’s just toying with her because she’s so darn cute when she’s upset.
“His smile was condescending now.” Is it ever not?
“It was easier to ride with him if I only looked when it was over.” He just loves me so much that he doesn’t mind that I almost have a heart attack every time he drives me somewhere.
“"Did I frighten you?" Yes, there was definitely humor there.” Scaring the shit out of the human I claim to love makes me larf. Har har sparkle.
“It wasn't until my head started to swim that I realized I wasn't breathing.” SOOPER HYPNOTISM!!!!
“I opened the door, and the arctic draft that burst into the car helped clear my head.” Wait, what month is it again? It was warm enough a week or so ago (maybe two weeks?) to go to the beach and fall asleep in the backyard, but now it’s freezing cold again, because SMeyer’s time sense sucks.
“I smiled as I walked to the house. It was clear he was planning to see me tomorrow, if nothing else.” He just told you a minute ago that nothing in the world would be easier than eating you, then stopped your breath with his eyes. And now you’re going all gooey because he’s going to see you tomorrow? Someone please apply a clue-by-four to this girl’s thick head.
“It thrilled with the same electricity that had charged the afternoon, and I tossed and turned restlessly, waking often.” Oh boy, a description of Bella’s wet dreams.
“I pulled on my brown turtleneck and the inescapable jeans, sighing as I daydreamed of spaghetti straps and shorts.” Oh boo hoo hoo. Buy some khakis, you big baby.
“"That was the plan." I grimaced, wishing he hadn't brought it up so I wouldn't have to compose careful half-truths.” At this rate, he won’t have to organize a statewide hunt for my remains! How dare he?
“"I'm not going to the dance, Dad." I glared.
"Didn't anyone ask you?" he asked, trying to hide his concern by focusing on rinsing the plate.” Good God, why does this ungrateful little bitch treat her father so badly? He’s worried about her fitting in, and he’s upset to think she’s not going to the dance because no one asked. All he’s ever shown doing is being thoughtful of her and she acts like he beats her with a rawhide whip.
“I sympathized with him.” No, you didn’t, because after this “so mature” little insight, you go back to treating him like garbage.
“When I heard the cruiser pull away, I could only wait a few seconds before I had to peek out of my window. The silver car was already there, waiting in Charlie's spot on the driveway.” You know, a lie by omission is still a lie, and this book is promoting dangerous behavior as being “romantic”. Guess what, girls? If a guy had said with all sincerity that he would like to eat your sweet, sweet flesh and drink your blood, then tells you you’re going out on Saturday for a “date” and don’t tell your parents, it’s a bad idea to do as he says.
“I never wanted it to end.” Too bad in the real world, it would end with you dead in a ditch.
“"How are you today?" His eyes roamed over my face, as if his question was something more than simple courtesy.” As if he didn’t know, considering that he spent last night camping out in her bedroom, and the whole morning listening to her father’s thoughts.
“"Neither could I," he teased as he started the engine.” Wait a minute – his “deal” for her forgiving his unforgivable breaches of her privacy was that she could drive. Will that ever be mentioned again?
“I was sure the roar of my truck would scare me, whenever I got to drive it again.” Because women are frail, helpless little things… and when is she going to drive again?
“"So what did you do last night?" I asked.
He chuckled. "Not a chance. It's my day to ask questions."” See, without prior knowledge, we could assume that this is one instance of Edward not laughing at her. Since we already know he spent last night rifling through her possessions, he’s definitely laughing at her again.
“He snorted, dropping his serious expression. "Brown?" he asked skeptically.” Gawd, here I thought you would say ‘Edward’ is your favorite color. Jesus Christ with a great axe, is this guy ever not a total douche?
“"Sure. Brown is warm. I miss brown. Everything that's supposed to be brown — tree trunks, rocks, dirt — is all covered up with squashy green stuff here," I complained.
He seemed fascinated by my little rant.” I would be too, because it’s clearly the ramblings of a diseased mind.
“"Debussy to this?" He raised an eyebrow.
It was the same CD.” What CD? She mentions the CD and then we don’t find out what it is. I’m going to pretend that it’s Type O Negative’s Bloody Kisses. Why? Because we already know Bella is a pretentious twat, and having her getting pretentious over goth rock amuses me. Also, now I have to wonder if Edward stole that from her, or just bought exact copies of everything she owns.
“While he walked me to English, when he met me after Spanish, all through the lunch hour, he questioned me relentlessly about every insignificant detail of my existence.” That’s not romance. That’s sick. No one even reasonably sane would want to know everything about their squishy-buns.
“Movies I'd liked and hated, the few places I'd been and the many places I wanted to go, and books — endlessly books.” But she’ll never tell us what books. That’s the thing… we’re told Bella is a huge reader, but we’ve seen her reading twice, and once she was reading geocities sites on vampires. She never references books, ever. I do not know a single reader who only references books they’ve read by their titles.
“He'd been flinging questions at me with such speed that I felt like I was taking one of those psychiatric tests where you answer with the first word that comes to mind.” And where were you on the night of January the 12th? Were you in anyway involved with the murder of the English language? You can continue to deny it, but we have ways of making you talk. Seriously, guys, interrogations =/= sexy.
“"Tell me," he finally commanded after persuasion failed” And when commanding and persuading fail, what then? Hitting?
“I worried it would provoke the strange anger that flared whenever I slipped and revealed too clearly how obsessed I was.” So… she’s already scared of his rages.
“I sighed in relief, and continued with the psychoanalysis.” Psychoanalysis? He’d be psychoanalyzing if he was going in depth with anything, but instead, this seems to be a collection of random neural firings. There is nothing “deep” or “mysterious”, or any real knowledge to be gained by knowing all of her likes and dislikes, unless he thinks that by knowing that she prefers lilies to carnations, she’s more devoted to her virginity and not maternal. I have no idea if she does, and that’s one of those deceptive surface readings that a manipulator like Edward could easily make.
“I didn't look at him, afraid that if he was looking at me, it would only make self-control that much harder.” Oh, I see, the darkness makes you think of fucking him!
“Somewhere, in a corner of my mind, I felt bad about that. But I couldn't concentrate on him.” After all, he’s just a mundane and I can’t spare feelings for him acting the gentleman in comparison to my panty-melting sociopath.
“The pressure made me more clumsy than usual, but eventually I made it out the door, feeling the same release when I saw him standing there, a wide smile automatically spreading across my face.” One raise of those eyebrows, and I experience spontaneous orgasm.
This next section could have added some weight to her future sacrifice. She loves the sun, and to be with Edward, she would have to give it up. Except by that point, he’s got such a stranglehold over her that she doesn’t care.
“"Charlie!" I suddenly recalled his existence, and sighed.” Damn my stupid father for being alive!
“"It’s twilight," Edward murmured, looking at the western horizon, obscured as it was with clouds.” *eye-roll*
“"So is it my turn tomorrow, then?"
"Certainly not!" His face was teasingly outraged. "I told you I wasn't done, didn't I?"” So… he’s just being controlling again. He calls all the shots, and she obeys. Also, we were just told they had this epic conversation, but we saw no interaction at all. He just grilled her about likes and dislikes, and only interjected to ask another question or tell her to keep going. I think the thing that strikes me the most about Edward and Bella is how unaccountably boring they both are. They don’t care about or like anything, really.
“He glanced at me for a brief second. "Another complication," he said glumly.
He flung the door open in one swift movement, and then moved, almost cringed, swiftly away from me.” Um… what?
“"Charlie's around the corner," he warned, staring through the downpour at the other vehicle.” You know, I think this is more their desperate desire for disapproval, so they can feel like they’re doing something illicit. Charlie praised the Cullens in the highest terms possible, and sneered at anyone who wouldn’t think they were just the salt of the earth as jealous and close-minded. So… wouldn’t he be thrilled that his daughter is getting close to this young man he thinks so highly of?
“His expression was a strange mix of frustration and defiance.” … Oh, my aching adjectives!
“And the surprisingly familiar eyes, black eyes that seemed at the same time both too young and too ancient for the broad face they were set in.” I’ll bet a single tear also courses down from those eyes when he sees pollution.
“Could he really believe the impossible legends his son had scoffed at?
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Chapter 10: Violent Mood Swings and Stalking Mean ‘I Love You’ in Vampire
“It was very hard, in the morning, to argue with the part of me that was sure last night was a dream.” Wow… and people praise SMeyer for her amazing turn of phrase…
“Logic wasn't on my side, or common sense.” You got that right, sister.
“The mist was ice cold where it clung to the exposed skin on my face and neck.” And we continue with the extremely foggy timeline. It’s winter but it’s also spring, but wait! It’s winter again!
“It was such a thick fog that I was a few feet down the driveway before I realized there was a car in it: a silver car.” Because almost causing an accident and scaring the shit out of a girl is fun!
“I didn't see where he came from, but suddenly he was there, pulling the door open for me.” Him opening the door for you suggests that you were expecting him, not that he popped out of the mist like the Phantom of the Opera and told you to get out of your car.
“He was really giving me a choice — I was free to refuse, and part of him hoped for that.” No need to sound so surprised.
“It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body.” -_-
“I pulled the jacket onto my lap, pushing my arms through the too-long sleeves, curious to see if the scent could possibly be as good as I remembered. It was better.” But what does it smell like? We don’t really get good descriptions of anything except for clothes. His smell is “heavenly”, but what does it smell like? I still maintain that he smells like iodine (treating all the split bruises) and roses (I’m so sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to).
“"Aren't you?" he contradicted in a voice so low I wasn't sure if he meant for me to hear.” Because women are weak and delicate things that need to be driven everywhere (women can’t drive) and need men to provide them with jackets, lest they catch la grippe. This is one of those things that makes the fangirls melt, but is actually very creepy. It’s sweet for a guy to give a girl his jacket because he notices she’s cold, but quite another for a guy to bring a girl a jacket and tell her to wear it because he thinks she should be cold. Remember all those times your mother felt a chill and told you to go put on a sweater? Same concept.
“We drove through the fog-shrouded streets, always too fast, feeling awkward.” Edward still doesn’t care that his too-fast driving scares her. He knows best, after all.
“"No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly — it's unnatural. It makes me wonder what you're really thinking."” That’s because Bella has no higher thought processes. All she can think about is how gorgeous Edward is and whether his penis is as cold as the rest of him. Bella is incurious, and therefore, stupid. She’s curious enough to try to find out what Edward is, but she has no curiosity as to what that entails.
“"You don't want to hear it," I mumbled, almost whispered. As soon as the words were out, I regretted them. The pain in my voice was very faint; I could only hope he hadn't noticed it.” What pain? The only thoughts you don’t tell him are the ones where you want to ride that sparkly ass like Seabiscuit.
“He didn't respond, and I wondered if I had ruined the mood.” Because it’s always your fault.
“"Like I said, it's ostentatious. We try to blend in."” No, you don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t be driving your big shiny car, you would be wearing normal clothes, and you would talk to people.
“My heart spluttered hyperactively.” Are you sure it didn’t splutter softly or delicately or slowly?
“Three people walking in the door stopped to stare at me.” Has SMeyer ever actually been to a small town? High schools have a lot of gossip, yeah, but Bella and her doings being the be-all, end-all of Forks High social life makes no sense.
“agonized over whether Edward would really be listening to what I said through the medium of Jess's thoughts. How very inconvenient his little talent could be” The fact that he does not respect anyone’s privacy makes him such a naughty scamp!
“I reluctantly went to sit by her, trying to convince myself it would be better to get it over with as soon as possible.” Gawd, I hate it when people try to talk to me and stuff and actually show interest in my life.
Typo, page 97: "He offered to drive me to
“"I do have some trouble with incoherency when I'm around him," I admitted.” I doubt that’s what she was talking about when she said he was intimidating and scary.
“"Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous." Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did.” You hypocritical bitch. Name one thing about Edward that is good besides his looks.
“She didn't get a chance to start on the subject again during class, and as soon as the bell rang, I took evasive action.” Poor poor Bella. People trying to be her friend and such.
“But outside the door to our Spanish class, leaning against the wall — looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to — Edward was waiting for me.” Bad sentence structure! BAD! No cookie!
“His voice was amused and irritated at the same time. He had been listening, it was obvious.” I really couldn’t care less that he eavesdrops on me and pries into my friend’s minds. It’s pretty sexy how he always has to keep tabs on me.
“He stepped up to the counter and filled a tray with food.
"What are you doing?" I objected. "You're not getting all that for me?"” Good God, he’s even in control of what she eats.
“"I did once… on a dare," I admitted. "It wasn't so bad."
He laughed. "I suppose I'm not surprised."” Because you have about as much spine as a jellyfish and will do anything any other person tells you.
Typo page 99: "I'm not surprised you heard something you didn't like. You know what they say about eavesdropners," I reminded him.” Though good point.
“"You did," he agreed, but his voice was still rough. "You aren't precisely right, though. I do want to know what you're thinking — everything. I just wish… that you wouldn't be thinking some things."” I hate it when you think things I don’t want you to think!
“"Yes, you are going to answer, or yes, you really think that?" He was irritated again.” I’m so annoyed that my hot and cold running manipulations have not convinced you totally of my undying love!
“As I searched for the words, I could see him getting impatient; frustrated by my silence, he started to scowl.” The fact that it angers me when you take a whole minute to answer my questions obviously proves that I love you more!
“That was the best I could sum up the sensation of anguish that his words triggered in me at times.” Oh God. Read some Emily Dickinson, you overdramatizing nitwit.
“I'll admit you're dead-on about the bad things," he chuckled blackly, "but you didn't hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day."” PRINCESS SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE ALERT!
“"I don't believe it…" I mumbled to myself.
"Trust me just this once — you are the opposite of ordinary."” Considering that her description of how plain she is was given in terms of glowing beauty…
“I care the most, because if I can do it" —" I wasn’t aware that love was a competition.
“— "if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."” Suicide is romantic!
“I glared. "And you don't think I would do the same?"” Really, really romantic! We’ve talked a grand total of seven times, and already we would kill ourselves for the other.
“Abruptly, his unpredictable mood shifted again; a mischievous, devastating smile rearranged his features. "Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant presence."” Oh, that’s not creepy at all.
“That idea would definitely get me in trouble.” Trouble? He’s not your father.
Typo page 101: "Do you really need to go to
“"Oh, he would have found a chance to ask you without me — I just really wanted to watch your face," he chuckled,” Every single time Edward is mentioned laughing, he’s laughing [i]at[/i] someone.
“"That wouldn't be a problem." He was very confident. "It's all in the leading." He could see that I was about to protest, and he cut me off.” O_O There should be a siren going off in her head right about now.
“"Can I drive?"
He frowned. "Why?"” Why would weak woman thing want to drive? Cars are for big manly men to drive.
“"With Charlie, less is always more." I was definite about that.” Why? He’s been an ideal father. Or do you just want to make sure he has to take a long time to search for your body?
“Again, he was leaving the choice up to me.” No, he’s not. This is something called ‘the illusion of choice’. He gave you no choice about
“"I know," he sighed, brooding. "You should tell Charlie, though."
"Why in the world would I do that?"
His eyes were suddenly fierce. "To give me some small incentive to bring you back."
I gulped. But, after a moment of thought, I was sure. "I think I'll take my chances."
He exhaled angrily, and looked away.” Date rape/death threats are so sexy!
Typo page 102: “I looked away swiftly, back to him, and
“He raised an eyebrow and the corners of his mouth turned down in disapproval.” How dare you ask me questions!?
“"we have to be careful not to impact the environment with injudicious hunting. We try to focus on areas with an overpopulation of predators — ranging as far away as we need.” SMeyer’s research fail yet again.
“"Oh, we have weapons." He flashed his bright teeth in a brief, threatening smile.” I just like to remind you that I want to eat you like a cheeseburger.
“The thick bands of muscle that wrapped his arms and torso were somehow even more menacing now.” Oh, now you get it.
“"Absolutely not!" His face turned even whiter than usual, and his eyes were suddenly furious. I leaned back, stunned and — though I'd never admit it to him — frightened by his reaction.” There’s that sexy violent temper again!
“"Too scary for me?" I asked when I could control my voice again.
"If that were it, I would take you out tonight," he said, his voice cutting.” I know what’s best for you, and scaring is what’s best for you!
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