Sunday, December 6, 2009

12. In Which Death Threats are the Best Possible Foreplay

“"We get permits early on the razz," Jacob said” Do they call reservations ‘razz’? I honestly have no idea…

"I have to get around somehow." I recognized Billy's resonant voice easily, despite the years. Pg 112, another inappropriate italicization. Also, you had completely forgotten that this guy existed, because remembering going fishing with your father and his Injun friend was too painful for you to remember. It’s good to know Bella was always a self-centered little brat, though. It’s not just caused by Edward.

“Then I stood in the door, watching anxiously as Charlie and Jacob helped Billy out of the car and into his wheelchair.” If Bella hadn’t already been established as an absolute monster of selfishness, this could be read charitably. Instead, she’s anxious that Billy is going to tell her it’s a bad idea to date a cannibalistic undead creature and might tell her dad that she’s going around with a murderer. Fun fact – you know who else thought he was only killing the bad people? Hitler.

“Jacob scowled and ducked his head while I fought back a surge of remorse.” Liar. If you were capable of feeling remorse, you wouldn’t spend half your time jerking around his fuzzy little heart.

“"Naw, we ate just before we came," Jacob answered.
"How about you, Charlie?" I called over my shoulder as I fled around the corner.
"Sure," he replied, his voice moving in the direction of the front room and the TV.” Wait, I thought she wasn’t supposed to call him Charlie to his face, because it hurt his feelings. This could be a signal that Charlie doesn’t really care, but since he’s been nothing but caring, this seems more like a mistake.

“"So, how are things?" Jacob asked.
"Pretty good." I smiled. His enthusiasm was hard to resist. "How about you? Did you finish your car?" Wait, what? What enthusiasm? This isn’t even good telling, not showing, because we aren’t told he’s enthusiastic until this moment, and he shows no signs of particular enthusiasm at all during this scene.

“"I think Charlie chewed him out pretty good last time. They haven't spoken much since — tonight is sort of a reunion, I think. I don't think he'd bring it up again."” I think this is more establishing that white people are more reasonable than Native Americans. Billy Black knows what the Cullens are, and is suspicious of them. Charlie only sees Carlisle being a nice ol’ doc, and thinks they’re just so wonderful that he got into a screaming fight with his best friend over how wonderful they are. Maybe this whole family is just unnaturally attracted to the sparklepires… it would explain why laid-back Charlie would form such a strong opinion of how salt of the earth Carlisle is, and why the whole family must then be good. Also… we were told nothing of a coolness between Billy and Charlie. They were fishing together in the beginning of the book.

“pretending to watch the game while Jacob chattered at me. I was really listening to the men's conversation, watching for any sign that Billy was about to rat me out, trying to think of ways to stop him if he began.” I understand she’s worried, but she’s such a disrespectful little puke that I want to smack her.

“"Are you and your friends coming back to the beach soon?" Jacob asked as he pushed his father over the lip of the threshold.” ??? What does that even mean?

“"You take care, Bella," he added seriously.
"Thanks," I muttered, looking away.” GAW. How could he like act like I might need to take some care? Just because my boyfriend has told me that he wants to eat me.

“"Um… Mike Newton," I told him reluctantly.” Why is she so reluctant? Every time she tells him about one of her “friends”, he makes a positive comment about their family and goes along. Maybe she wanted to pretend that Mike’s family was a baby-eating Neo-Nazi group, so she could feel better about shunning him.

“I hurried so I would be ready to go the second Charlie left. I had my bag ready, shoes on, teeth brushed, but even though I rushed to the door as soon as I was sure Charlie would be out of sight, Edward was faster. He was waiting in his shiny car, window down, engine off.” Why are they sneaking around? WHY?! It makes no logical sense! Charlie thinks the Cullens are the nicest people in town! He got into an argument with his best friend over just how super-wonderful they are! So why in the names of all the gods that have ever been named are these two little brats playing out their “forbidden” fantasy as if it’s actually legitimate?

“He grinned his crooked smile at me, stopping my breath and my heart. I couldn't imagine how an angel could be any more glorious.” So… anyone else realize that there is no actual description of Edward? He’s pale, red haired, golden eyed, and has lean muscles and a crooked mouth. Nothing else. He’s just OMG BYOOTIFUL THOUGH!!!

“There was nothing about him that could be improved upon.” How about his personality?

“"How did you sleep?" he asked. I wondered if he had any idea how appealing his voice was.
"Fine. How was your night?"
"Pleasant." His smile was amused; I felt like I was missing an inside joke.” Good God. That is all kinds of levels of creepy.

“"Can I ask what you did?" I asked.
"No." He grinned. "Today is still mine."” The day is always yours, Sparkle-pants. She got to ask about five questions, you get to spend two days asking every single random thought that comes into your head, and when she dares to protest, you get mad and sulk.

“embarrassing me when he asked about boys I'd dated. I was relieved that I'd never really dated anyone, so that particular conversation couldn't last long.” You know, you don’t have to answer any of his questions. The only question he’s really entitled to ask you about your previous romantic history is whether you have any venereal diseases.

“"So you never met anyone you wanted?" he asked in a serious tone that made me wonder what he was thinking about.
I was grudgingly honest. "Not in Phoenix."” Why wonder what he’s thinking about? He’s just found another way to control you.

“His lips pressed together into a hard line.” It makes me so mad that you like me! How dare you!?

“"That’s okay, it's not that far of a walk."
He frowned at me impatiently. "I'm not going to make you walk home. We'll go get your truck and leave it here for you."” You know, I would be really uncomfortable with that. My boyfriend has driven my car without me in it, but we’ve been dating for a long time, and he doesn’t drive like Batman on his way to foil the Joker. Also, Edward just keeps on showing how unreasonable he is, by making a simple day much more complicated because he has to have her totally in his control for an extra 10 minutes a day.

“"I don't have my key with me," I sighed. "I really don't mind walking." What I minded was losing my time with him.” I weep for her. This poor deluded little fool.

“"All right," I agreed, pursing my lips. I was pretty sure my key was in the pocket of a pair of jeans I wore Wednesday, under a pile of clothes in the laundry room. Even if he broke into my house, or whatever he was planning, he'd never find it. He seemed to feel the challenge in my consent. He smirked, overconfident.” She seems quite okay with the idea of him breaking into her house. I wonder why her dad doesn’t have Brint or something.

“I refused to be convinced to fear him, no matter how real the danger might be. It doesn't matter, I repeated in my head.” You idiot. OF COURSE THE DANGER MATTERS! HE WANTS TO KILL YOU!

“"What time will I see you tomorrow?" I asked, already depressed by the thought of him leaving now.” Wow, co-dependent much?

“His voice turned sharp. "And if you don't come home, what will he think?"
"I have no idea," I answered coolly. "He knows I've been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe he'll think I fell in the washer."” He has just threatened to kill you again. How insane does one have to be to answer that with a stupid joke?

“He scowled at me and I scowled back. His anger was much more impressive than mine.” She’s even fascinated by his anger. Which will make it that much easier for him to become a woman-beating lout. Or, you know, to kill her, which he just admitted that he was very likely to do.

“He seemed bemused by my casual reference to his secret realities.” That is a terrible line. Nothing special, I just wanted to call all my reader’s attention to the fact that this line is awful.

“They sat staring off in different directions, exactly the same as the first time I'd seen them.” *snerk* I just got a mental image of all of them facing different directions with fish-stares. No wonder no one wants to talk to the Cullens.

“"They don't understand why I can't leave you alone."
I grimaced. "Neither do I, for that matter."” How I wish that was a Meta-Bella line, instead of a low self-esteem line.

“"I have a better than average grasp of human nature. People are predictable. But you… you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise."” First off, no you really don’t. Edward knows nothing about humans. At all. Second off, she only takes him by surprise because he isn’t in her head 100% of the time. If I knew what was going to happen right before it happened, I would think people were predictable too. But he doesn’t know people’s patterns because he knows human nature – he knows because he’s a mind-reader. I think SMeyer was going for a Charles Xavier thing, except Professor X does have a terrific grasp of human nature.

“I felt his eyes on my face but I couldn't look at him yet, afraid he might read the chagrin in my eyes.” YOU ARE NOT CHAGRINED!

“I looked back at Edward — and I knew he could see the confusion and fear that widened my eyes.” So she is capable of being afraid of people who want to kill her… if she doesn’t want to do them.

“I realized slowly that his words should frighten me. I waited for that fear to come, but all I could seem to feel was an ache for his pain.” This is supposed to show that they have a real loving love, but instead, it just makes her look stupid.

“her short, inky hair in a halo of spiky disarray around her exquisite, elfin face” That is terrible description. It’s more flowery than a funeral and a wedding being held in the same place.

“Her slight frame was willowy” *eye roll* Was it also slender?

“"Safe in Forks — what a challenge."
"For you it is a challenge." His jaw hardened. "Promise."” DO WHAT I SAY WEAK WOMAN THING!

“And Edward was worried about the time we'd spent together publicly… if things went wrong. I refused to dwell on the last thought, concentrating instead on making things safer for him.” So instead, you’re going to try to throw suspicion of your murder around a little bit so that he has plenty of time to get away. That’s sweet of you.

“My decision was made, made before I'd ever consciously chosen, and I was committed to seeing it through. Because there was nothing more terrifying to me, more excruciating, than the thought of turning away from him. It was an impossibility.” No, it’s not. You’re just a weak-willed baby who is easily swayed by a pretty face and a bad attitude.

“The lies came more naturally than usual, I noted with surprise.” There’s a good lesson for young girls. Lie! It gets easier the more you do it!

“"You know, you could come to the dance with our group anyway — that would be cool. We'd all dance with you," he promised.
The mental image of Jessica's face made my tone sharper than necessary.
"I'm not going to the dance, Mike, okay?"
"Fine." He sulked again. "I was just offering."” My God, this girl is an ungrateful bitch. Mike is being really, really nice. He thinks she doesn’t want to go because she wouldn’t be able to dance with people, so he says that she can come with the group and everyone will dance. I don’t see him actually sulking, but being rather hurt that she’s getting all snappish with him when he just offered to do something nice.

“The sound of the truck roaring to life frightened me. I laughed at myself.” Chicks, huh?

“Following the same instinct that had prompted me to lie to Mike, I called Jessica on the pretense of wishing her luck at the dance. When she offered the same wish for my day with Edward, I told her about the cancellation.” Got to give him that alibi so my murder is never solved, or better yet, thrown upon an innocent bystander! I hope they get the chair!

“She was more disappointed than really necessary for a third-party observer to be.” Maybe she’s just being sympathetic that this guy that you really, really like has suddenly flaked on you, and is sad that her instincts about Edward being a no-good-nik were accurate.

“I felt so guilty for deceiving him that I almost took Edward's advice and told him where I would be. Almost.” Aw, Dad, I hope they don’t accuse you of my murder.

“He wants me to be safe, I told myself again and again. I would just hold on to the faith that, in the end, that desire would win out over the others. And what was my other choice — to cut him out of my life? Intolerable. Besides, since I'd come to Forks, it really seemed like my life was about him.
But a tiny voice in the back of my mind worried, wondering if it would hurt very much… if it ended badly.” This clinches it. Bella is insane, and would probably be one of those women who marries serial killers in prison because only she understands him. She would have fit in very well with the Manson family, if only Charles were more handsome.

“I knew I was far too stressed to sleep, so I did something I'd never done before. I deliberately took unnecessary cold medicine — the kind that knocked me out for a good eight hours. I normally wouldn't condone that type of behavior in myself, but tomorrow would be complicated enough without me being loopy from sleep deprivation on top of everything else. While I waited for the drugs to kick in, I dried my clean hair till it was impeccably straight, and fussed over what I would wear tomorrow.” O.O So this book also condones drug use, if it’s for an important reason, like looking really pretty the next day. Thank God Bella is naturally skinny, otherwise we might get ‘I threw up dinner’ or ‘I didn’t eat for three days’.

“I woke early, having slept soundly and dreamlessly thanks to my gratuitous drug use.” And she just keeps hammering away that it was totally okay for her to take drugs in a manner inconsistent with their directions.

“He wasn't smiling at first — his face was somber.” Good morning, Bella. I’ve come to kill you. Do you mind if we drive to the coast, so I can throw your corpse into the sea?

“"Good morning," he chuckled.
"What's wrong?" I glanced down to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything important, like shoes, or pants.” So she knows that he only laughs at people.

“"We match." He laughed again.” I have an uncomfortable feeling that he did that on purpose while she was sleeping her drugged sleep.

“I laughed with him, hiding a secret twinge of regret — why did he have to look like a runway model when I couldn't?” It’s all about looks.

“He waited by the passenger door with a martyred expression that was easy to understand.” No, it’s really not. You’ve never been shown as anything but a good driver, so why is it such a sacrifice? It’s just because he can’t control your movements.

“"We're hiking?" Thank goodness I'd worn tennis shoes.
"Is that a problem?" He sounded as if he'd expected as much.” Because Bella’s no good unless she’s being carried around like a child.

“We drove in silence for a while as I contemplated the coming horror.” Bella is a whining baby, blah blah, you know the rest.

“"What are you thinking?" he asked impatiently after a few moments.” I can’t stand five seconds of silence!

“"But Jessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?" He seemed cheered by the idea.
"No, I told her you canceled on me — which is true."
"No one knows you're with me?" Angrily, now.” Well, for once he has a bit of a right to be angry… except the whole forcing his presence on her when he should have the cojones to stay away.

“"Are you so depressed by Forks that it's made you suicidal?" he demanded when I ignored him.
"You said it might cause trouble for you… us being together publicly," I reminded him.
"So you're worried about the trouble it might cause me — if you don't come home?" His voice was still angry, and bitingly sarcastic.” I haven’t threatened to murder you enough times this morning! Really, Edward is the only person in this book more selfish than Bella. Also, the italics are really weird there.

“We were silent for the rest of the drive. I could feel the waves of infuriated disapproval rolling off of him, and I could think of nothing to say.” He has no right to disapprove. If he wanted, he could call anyone and tell them where you are, because I can’t imagine that he doesn’t have a cell phone. But instead, he’s mad that he might actually have to make a conscious decision not to murder her (trust me, I have a lot of sympathy for that urge), instead of just not murdering her because someone would be sure to know it was him.

“afraid because he was angry with me and I didn't have driving as an excuse not to look at him.” You should never be afraid of your SO.

“"I won't let you get lost." He turned then, with a mocking smile, and I stifled a gasp.” Edward appears half-naked in front of her, so that she’d follow him to the ends of the earth, because she is the most sexually frustrated girl alive.

“It wasn't as hard as I had feared.” Nothing ever is.

“I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness.” If Edward knew as much about human nature as he claims, he would know that all girls feel ugly at some points. There isn’t a girl alive who is 100% secure in her appearance all the time, and standing next to a nearly shirtless supermodel probably doesn’t help.

“He asked about my birthdays, my grade school teachers, my childhood pets — and I had to admit that after killing three fish in a row, I'd given up on the whole institution. He laughed at that, louder than I was used to — bell-like echoes bouncing back to us from the empty woods.” The death of helpless animals is funny! Also, why her grade school teachers? WHY? It makes no sense.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Chapter 11: Wherein Bella Must Make Her Own Drama to Get Any

“And then, as the room went black, I was suddenly hyperaware that Edward was sitting less than an inch from me.” Like, OMG! I guess this is good in that teenage girls really do get awkward when their crushes are sitting really close to them, but since her devotion to Edward borders on the slavish, this seems sort of creepy.

“A crazy impulse to reach over and touch him, to stroke his perfect face just once in the darkness, nearly overwhelmed me.” Why is it crazy? He said about two hours ago that you two are dating. Are you afraid that he’ll eat your hand? If so, here’s Meta-Bella being her sensible self again.

“I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, my hands balling into fists.” If I didn’t do this, I would have both hands and possibly my textbook in my panties.

“I was losing my mind.” … Too easy.

“The opening credits began, lighting the room by a token amount.” A token amount? I guess it’s sort of correct, since it can mean small, but this just sounds so incredibly awkward in the context of room lighting. You pay a token amount, you don’t light it. By the way, I’ve just quoted over a whole sequential paragraph of bad lines.

“He grinned back, his eyes somehow managing to smolder, even in the dark.” The sexy grinning smolder? Who is this kid, Fabio?

“I looked away before I could start hyperventilating.” … and here, yet again, she perfectly describes mental illness. The last time a man made me hyperventilate, it was because he had previously threatened me with grievous bodily harm, and I was alone in the same room with him. Which is Bella’s situation too, when you think about it, but instead of making her frightened, it’s making her horny. Fun challenge for those of you playing the home game: Diagnose Bella!

“It was absolutely ridiculous that I should feel dizzy.” So, what mental illness attracts one strongly to danger, causes obsession that actually crosses the line into physical illness, and yet leaves the subject rational enough to realize that all is not right in the state of Denmark? Appearance of Meta-Bella… again, for those playing the home game, around now is when you should take a shot.

“The overpowering craving to touch him also refused to fade, and I crushed my fists safely against my ribs until my fingers were aching with the effort.” He’s already said he’s your boyfriend. Why are you so afraid to touch him? Beyond that you have suddenly grown a brain and realized that you are a hors d'oeuvre to him.

“Edward chuckled beside me.” It’s funny when you hurt yourself! Seriously, we do not have one instance of his laugh where he is not laughing at someone. Great sense of humor, my cat’s fluffy white butt.

“His voice was dark and his eyes were cautious.” He’s just so gol darn [i]mysterious[/i], ain’t he?

“I stood with care, worried my balance might have been affected by the strange new intensity between us.” Any new diagnoses?

“His face startled me — his expression was torn, almost pained, and so fiercely beautiful that the ache to touch him flared as strong as before.” If I leave you alone for thirty seconds, you will surely be decapitated by a piece of loose leaf. I hate not carrying you around on my back like a baby.

“I drifted to the locker room, changing in a trancelike state, only vaguely aware that there were other people surrounding me.” And Edward has roofies in his fingertips. Of course.

“Mercifully, some vestiges of Mike's chivalry still survived; he came to stand beside me.” Um, why wouldn’t they survive? He’s been shown as nothing but a really nice guy, who may be interested romantically, but is willing to be a friend. THE HORROR!

“Sometimes it was so easy to like Mike.” And the rest of the time he was a hateful little worm, because he’s only human-attractive.

“"You and Cullen, huh?" he asked, his tone rebellious.” Rebellious? Princess Speshul Snowflake Alert! First Lauren was insolent and now Mike is rebellious? Also, this makes no sense in it’s abruptness. Here we are, having a good time and now ‘OH YOU WHORISH WHORE!’. Quoi?

“"I don't like it," he muttered anyway.

"You don't have to," I snapped.

"He looks at you like… like you're something to eat," he continued, ignoring me.”

Oh GAWD. Here’s this stupid [i]mundane[/i] trying to tell me my new squishybuns doesn’t seem right. Obviously, it’s jealousy. This would be funnier if every person I know who had gotten involved with an abuser hadn’t have done exactly the same thing. We weren’t concerned because there was something [i]wrong[/i] with their partner, we were [i]jealous[/i]!

“I dressed quickly, something stronger than butterflies battering recklessly against the walls of my stomach, my argument with Mike already a distant memory. I was wondering if Edward would be waiting, or if I should meet him at his car.” Hum-de-dum, my friend just told me my new cuddly-poo was shooting me raep faces and he was worried for me. I wonder whether I should wear panties on our next date, or if I should go ahead and take some date rape drugs first.

“Was I supposed to know that they knew that I knew, or not?” Que?

“His eyes slid back to mine, still tight. "Newton's getting on my nerves."” It’s not that I don’t trust you, baby, but I just don’t want anything else with testicles ever looking at you.

“"You weren't listening again?" I was horror-struck. All traces of my sudden good humor vanished.

"How's your head?" he asked innocently.

"You're unbelievable!" I turned, stomping away in the general direction of the parking lot, though I hadn't ruled out walking at this point.

"You were the one who mentioned how I'd never seen you in Gym — it made me

curious." He didn't sound repentant, so I ignored him.” Go, Meta-Bella! And kick him in the sparkly nuts for good measure!

“"Maybe… if you mean it. And if you promise not to do it again," I insisted.

His eyes were suddenly shrewd. "How about if I mean it, and I agree to let you drive Saturday?" he countered my conditions.” I can’t promise not to spy on you every second of your life, but you can drive once in awhile. At least if I say so.

“I considered, and decided it was probably the best offer I would get. "Deal," I agreed.” And Meta-Bella disappears under a mountain of hormonal stupidity. The best offer you should get is exactly what you asked – your privacy is not something to be bargained with. This is like ‘Well, I won’t promise I won’t hit you again, but I’ll give you a big cookie this time!’

“"Then I'm very sorry I upset you."” Oh, thank you [i]soooo[/i] much. He’s not at all sorry that he’s completely invading her privacy, he’s just toying with her because she’s so darn cute when she’s upset.

“His smile was condescending now.” Is it ever not?

“It was easier to ride with him if I only looked when it was over.” He just loves me so much that he doesn’t mind that I almost have a heart attack every time he drives me somewhere.

“"Did I frighten you?" Yes, there was definitely humor there.” Scaring the shit out of the human I claim to love makes me larf. Har har sparkle.

“It wasn't until my head started to swim that I realized I wasn't breathing.” SOOPER HYPNOTISM!!!!

“I opened the door, and the arctic draft that burst into the car helped clear my head.” Wait, what month is it again? It was warm enough a week or so ago (maybe two weeks?) to go to the beach and fall asleep in the backyard, but now it’s freezing cold again, because SMeyer’s time sense sucks.

“I smiled as I walked to the house. It was clear he was planning to see me tomorrow, if nothing else.” He just told you a minute ago that nothing in the world would be easier than eating you, then stopped your breath with his eyes. And now you’re going all gooey because he’s going to see you tomorrow? Someone please apply a clue-by-four to this girl’s thick head.

“It thrilled with the same electricity that had charged the afternoon, and I tossed and turned restlessly, waking often.” Oh boy, a description of Bella’s wet dreams.

“I pulled on my brown turtleneck and the inescapable jeans, sighing as I daydreamed of spaghetti straps and shorts.” Oh boo hoo hoo. Buy some khakis, you big baby.

“"That was the plan." I grimaced, wishing he hadn't brought it up so I wouldn't have to compose careful half-truths.” At this rate, he won’t have to organize a statewide hunt for my remains! How dare he?

“"I'm not going to the dance, Dad." I glared.

"Didn't anyone ask you?" he asked, trying to hide his concern by focusing on rinsing the plate.” Good God, why does this ungrateful little bitch treat her father so badly? He’s worried about her fitting in, and he’s upset to think she’s not going to the dance because no one asked. All he’s ever shown doing is being thoughtful of her and she acts like he beats her with a rawhide whip.

“I sympathized with him.” No, you didn’t, because after this “so mature” little insight, you go back to treating him like garbage.

“When I heard the cruiser pull away, I could only wait a few seconds before I had to peek out of my window. The silver car was already there, waiting in Charlie's spot on the driveway.” You know, a lie by omission is still a lie, and this book is promoting dangerous behavior as being “romantic”. Guess what, girls? If a guy had said with all sincerity that he would like to eat your sweet, sweet flesh and drink your blood, then tells you you’re going out on Saturday for a “date” and don’t tell your parents, it’s a bad idea to do as he says.

“I never wanted it to end.” Too bad in the real world, it would end with you dead in a ditch.

“"How are you today?" His eyes roamed over my face, as if his question was something more than simple courtesy.” As if he didn’t know, considering that he spent last night camping out in her bedroom, and the whole morning listening to her father’s thoughts.

“"Neither could I," he teased as he started the engine.” Wait a minute – his “deal” for her forgiving his unforgivable breaches of her privacy was that she could drive. Will that ever be mentioned again?

“I was sure the roar of my truck would scare me, whenever I got to drive it again.” Because women are frail, helpless little things… and when is she going to drive again?

“"So what did you do last night?" I asked.

He chuckled. "Not a chance. It's my day to ask questions."” See, without prior knowledge, we could assume that this is one instance of Edward not laughing at her. Since we already know he spent last night rifling through her possessions, he’s definitely laughing at her again.

“He snorted, dropping his serious expression. "Brown?" he asked skeptically.” Gawd, here I thought you would say ‘Edward’ is your favorite color. Jesus Christ with a great axe, is this guy ever not a total douche?

“"Sure. Brown is warm. I miss brown. Everything that's supposed to be brown — tree trunks, rocks, dirt — is all covered up with squashy green stuff here," I complained.
He seemed fascinated by my little rant.” I would be too, because it’s clearly the ramblings of a diseased mind.

“"Debussy to this?" He raised an eyebrow.
It was the same CD.” What CD? She mentions the CD and then we don’t find out what it is. I’m going to pretend that it’s Type O Negative’s Bloody Kisses. Why? Because we already know Bella is a pretentious twat, and having her getting pretentious over goth rock amuses me. Also, now I have to wonder if Edward stole that from her, or just bought exact copies of everything she owns.

“While he walked me to English, when he met me after Spanish, all through the lunch hour, he questioned me relentlessly about every insignificant detail of my existence.” That’s not romance. That’s sick. No one even reasonably sane would want to know everything about their squishy-buns.

“Movies I'd liked and hated, the few places I'd been and the many places I wanted to go, and books — endlessly books.” But she’ll never tell us what books. That’s the thing… we’re told Bella is a huge reader, but we’ve seen her reading twice, and once she was reading geocities sites on vampires. She never references books, ever. I do not know a single reader who only references books they’ve read by their titles.

“He'd been flinging questions at me with such speed that I felt like I was taking one of those psychiatric tests where you answer with the first word that comes to mind.” And where were you on the night of January the 12th? Were you in anyway involved with the murder of the English language? You can continue to deny it, but we have ways of making you talk. Seriously, guys, interrogations =/= sexy.

“"Tell me," he finally commanded after persuasion failed” And when commanding and persuading fail, what then? Hitting?

“I worried it would provoke the strange anger that flared whenever I slipped and revealed too clearly how obsessed I was.” So… she’s already scared of his rages.

“I sighed in relief, and continued with the psychoanalysis.” Psychoanalysis? He’d be psychoanalyzing if he was going in depth with anything, but instead, this seems to be a collection of random neural firings. There is nothing “deep” or “mysterious”, or any real knowledge to be gained by knowing all of her likes and dislikes, unless he thinks that by knowing that she prefers lilies to carnations, she’s more devoted to her virginity and not maternal. I have no idea if she does, and that’s one of those deceptive surface readings that a manipulator like Edward could easily make.

“I didn't look at him, afraid that if he was looking at me, it would only make self-control that much harder.” Oh, I see, the darkness makes you think of fucking him!

“Somewhere, in a corner of my mind, I felt bad about that. But I couldn't concentrate on him.” After all, he’s just a mundane and I can’t spare feelings for him acting the gentleman in comparison to my panty-melting sociopath.

“The pressure made me more clumsy than usual, but eventually I made it out the door, feeling the same release when I saw him standing there, a wide smile automatically spreading across my face.” One raise of those eyebrows, and I experience spontaneous orgasm.

This next section could have added some weight to her future sacrifice. She loves the sun, and to be with Edward, she would have to give it up. Except by that point, he’s got such a stranglehold over her that she doesn’t care.

“"Charlie!" I suddenly recalled his existence, and sighed.” Damn my stupid father for being alive!

“"It’s twilight," Edward murmured, looking at the western horizon, obscured as it was with clouds.” *eye-roll*

“"So is it my turn tomorrow, then?"
"Certainly not!" His face was teasingly outraged. "I told you I wasn't done, didn't I?"” So… he’s just being controlling again. He calls all the shots, and she obeys. Also, we were just told they had this epic conversation, but we saw no interaction at all. He just grilled her about likes and dislikes, and only interjected to ask another question or tell her to keep going. I think the thing that strikes me the most about Edward and Bella is how unaccountably boring they both are. They don’t care about or like anything, really.

“He glanced at me for a brief second. "Another complication," he said glumly.
He flung the door open in one swift movement, and then moved, almost cringed, swiftly away from me.” Um… what?

“"Charlie's around the corner," he warned, staring through the downpour at the other vehicle.” You know, I think this is more their desperate desire for disapproval, so they can feel like they’re doing something illicit. Charlie praised the Cullens in the highest terms possible, and sneered at anyone who wouldn’t think they were just the salt of the earth as jealous and close-minded. So… wouldn’t he be thrilled that his daughter is getting close to this young man he thinks so highly of?

“His expression was a strange mix of frustration and defiance.” … Oh, my aching adjectives!

“And the surprisingly familiar eyes, black eyes that seemed at the same time both too young and too ancient for the broad face they were set in.” I’ll bet a single tear also courses down from those eyes when he sees pollution.

“Could he really believe the impossible legends his son had scoffed at? The answer was clear in Billy's eyes. Yes. Yes, he could.” Geez, now someone is going to tell me I shouldn’t date an undead sucker of human blood. MY LIFE IS SO HARD!!!!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Chapter 10: Violent Mood Swings and Stalking Mean ‘I Love You’ in Vampire

“It was very hard, in the morning, to argue with the part of me that was sure last night was a dream.” Wow… and people praise SMeyer for her amazing turn of phrase…

“Logic wasn't on my side, or common sense.” You got that right, sister.

“The mist was ice cold where it clung to the exposed skin on my face and neck.” And we continue with the extremely foggy timeline. It’s winter but it’s also spring, but wait! It’s winter again!

“It was such a thick fog that I was a few feet down the driveway before I realized there was a car in it: a silver car.” Because almost causing an accident and scaring the shit out of a girl is fun!

“I didn't see where he came from, but suddenly he was there, pulling the door open for me.” Him opening the door for you suggests that you were expecting him, not that he popped out of the mist like the Phantom of the Opera and told you to get out of your car.

“He was really giving me a choice — I was free to refuse, and part of him hoped for that.” No need to sound so surprised.

“It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body.” -_-

“I pulled the jacket onto my lap, pushing my arms through the too-long sleeves, curious to see if the scent could possibly be as good as I remembered. It was better.” But what does it smell like? We don’t really get good descriptions of anything except for clothes. His smell is “heavenly”, but what does it smell like? I still maintain that he smells like iodine (treating all the split bruises) and roses (I’m so sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to).

“"Aren't you?" he contradicted in a voice so low I wasn't sure if he meant for me to hear.” Because women are weak and delicate things that need to be driven everywhere (women can’t drive) and need men to provide them with jackets, lest they catch la grippe. This is one of those things that makes the fangirls melt, but is actually very creepy. It’s sweet for a guy to give a girl his jacket because he notices she’s cold, but quite another for a guy to bring a girl a jacket and tell her to wear it because he thinks she should be cold. Remember all those times your mother felt a chill and told you to go put on a sweater? Same concept.

“We drove through the fog-shrouded streets, always too fast, feeling awkward.” Edward still doesn’t care that his too-fast driving scares her. He knows best, after all.

“"No, that's the problem. You take everything so coolly — it's unnatural. It makes me wonder what you're really thinking."” That’s because Bella has no higher thought processes. All she can think about is how gorgeous Edward is and whether his penis is as cold as the rest of him. Bella is incurious, and therefore, stupid. She’s curious enough to try to find out what Edward is, but she has no curiosity as to what that entails.

“"You don't want to hear it," I mumbled, almost whispered. As soon as the words were out, I regretted them. The pain in my voice was very faint; I could only hope he hadn't noticed it.” What pain? The only thoughts you don’t tell him are the ones where you want to ride that sparkly ass like Seabiscuit.

“He didn't respond, and I wondered if I had ruined the mood.” Because it’s always your fault.

“"Like I said, it's ostentatious. We try to blend in."” No, you don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t be driving your big shiny car, you would be wearing normal clothes, and you would talk to people.

“My heart spluttered hyperactively.” Are you sure it didn’t splutter softly or delicately or slowly?

“Three people walking in the door stopped to stare at me.” Has SMeyer ever actually been to a small town? High schools have a lot of gossip, yeah, but Bella and her doings being the be-all, end-all of Forks High social life makes no sense.

“agonized over whether Edward would really be listening to what I said through the medium of Jess's thoughts. How very inconvenient his little talent could be” The fact that he does not respect anyone’s privacy makes him such a naughty scamp!

“I reluctantly went to sit by her, trying to convince myself it would be better to get it over with as soon as possible.” Gawd, I hate it when people try to talk to me and stuff and actually show interest in my life.

Typo, page 97: "He offered to drive me to Seattle Saturday because he thinks [b]toy[/b] truck isn't up to it — does that count?" MY truck, not toy truck.

“"I do have some trouble with incoherency when I'm around him," I admitted.” I doubt that’s what she was talking about when she said he was intimidating and scary.

“"Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous." Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did.” You hypocritical bitch. Name one thing about Edward that is good besides his looks.

“She didn't get a chance to start on the subject again during class, and as soon as the bell rang, I took evasive action.” Poor poor Bella. People trying to be her friend and such.

“But outside the door to our Spanish class, leaning against the wall — looking more like a Greek god than anyone had a right to — Edward was waiting for me.” Bad sentence structure! BAD! No cookie!

“His voice was amused and irritated at the same time. He had been listening, it was obvious.” I really couldn’t care less that he eavesdrops on me and pries into my friend’s minds. It’s pretty sexy how he always has to keep tabs on me.

“He stepped up to the counter and filled a tray with food.

"What are you doing?" I objected. "You're not getting all that for me?"” Good God, he’s even in control of what she eats.

“"I did once… on a dare," I admitted. "It wasn't so bad."

He laughed. "I suppose I'm not surprised."” Because you have about as much spine as a jellyfish and will do anything any other person tells you.

Typo page 99: "I'm not surprised you heard something you didn't like. You know what they say about eavesdropners," I reminded him.” Though good point.

“"You did," he agreed, but his voice was still rough. "You aren't precisely right, though. I do want to know what you're thinking — everything. I just wish… that you wouldn't be thinking some things."” I hate it when you think things I don’t want you to think!

“"Yes, you are going to answer, or yes, you really think that?" He was irritated again.” I’m so annoyed that my hot and cold running manipulations have not convinced you totally of my undying love!

“As I searched for the words, I could see him getting impatient; frustrated by my silence, he started to scowl.” The fact that it angers me when you take a whole minute to answer my questions obviously proves that I love you more!

“That was the best I could sum up the sensation of anguish that his words triggered in me at times.” Oh God. Read some Emily Dickinson, you overdramatizing nitwit.

“I'll admit you're dead-on about the bad things," he chuckled blackly, "but you didn't hear what every human male in this school was thinking on your first day."” PRINCESS SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE ALERT!

“"I don't believe it…" I mumbled to myself.

"Trust me just this once — you are the opposite of ordinary."” Considering that her description of how plain she is was given in terms of glowing beauty…

“I care the most, because if I can do it" —" I wasn’t aware that love was a competition.

“— "if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."” Suicide is romantic!

“I glared. "And you don't think I would do the same?"” Really, really romantic! We’ve talked a grand total of seven times, and already we would kill ourselves for the other.

“Abruptly, his unpredictable mood shifted again; a mischievous, devastating smile rearranged his features. "Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant presence."” Oh, that’s not creepy at all.

“That idea would definitely get me in trouble.” Trouble? He’s not your father.

Typo page 101: "Do you really need to go to Seattle this Saturday, or was that just an excuse to [i]get[/i] out of saying no to all your admirers?" Once again with the improper italics.

“"Oh, he would have found a chance to ask you without me — I just really wanted to watch your face," he chuckled,” Every single time Edward is mentioned laughing, he’s laughing [i]at[/i] someone.

“"That wouldn't be a problem." He was very confident. "It's all in the leading." He could see that I was about to protest, and he cut me off.” O_O There should be a siren going off in her head right about now.

“"Can I drive?"

He frowned. "Why?"” Why would weak woman thing want to drive? Cars are for big manly men to drive.

“"With Charlie, less is always more." I was definite about that.” Why? He’s been an ideal father. Or do you just want to make sure he has to take a long time to search for your body?

“Again, he was leaving the choice up to me.” No, he’s not. This is something called ‘the illusion of choice’. He gave you no choice about Seattle, and now he’s giving you no choice about not Seattle. He knows that you would slice your own head off if he told you to.

“"I know," he sighed, brooding. "You should tell Charlie, though."

"Why in the world would I do that?"

His eyes were suddenly fierce. "To give me some small incentive to bring you back."

I gulped. But, after a moment of thought, I was sure. "I think I'll take my chances."

He exhaled angrily, and looked away.” Date rape/death threats are so sexy!

Typo page 102: “I looked away swiftly, back to him, and I. asked the first thing that came to mind.”

“He raised an eyebrow and the corners of his mouth turned down in disapproval.” How dare you ask me questions!?

“"we have to be careful not to impact the environment with injudicious hunting. We try to focus on areas with an overpopulation of predators — ranging as far away as we need.” SMeyer’s research fail yet again. America is definitely not running a surfeit of predators.

“"Oh, we have weapons." He flashed his bright teeth in a brief, threatening smile.” I just like to remind you that I want to eat you like a cheeseburger.

“The thick bands of muscle that wrapped his arms and torso were somehow even more menacing now.” Oh, now you get it.

“"Absolutely not!" His face turned even whiter than usual, and his eyes were suddenly furious. I leaned back, stunned and — though I'd never admit it to him — frightened by his reaction.” There’s that sexy violent temper again!

“"Too scary for me?" I asked when I could control my voice again.

"If that were it, I would take you out tonight," he said, his voice cutting.” I know what’s best for you, and scaring is what’s best for you!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Chapter 9: Love is Psychotic

“"I thought we were past all the evasiveness," I grumbled.” Again establishing that Bella is a petulant child and Edward is a big, strong grown-up. Also, I know he has super-senses and such, but other drivers don’t. I know it would scare the hell out of me to see a giant silver Volvo bearing down on me at Warp Speed, only to swerve aside at the last moment before collision. How many heart attacks has Edward caused by driving like the Fast and the Fabulous?

“"Fine, then. I followed your scent." He looked at the road, giving me time to compose my face. I couldn't think of an acceptable response to that, but I filed it carefully away for future study. I tried to refocus. I wasn't ready to let him be finished, now that he was finally explaining things.” I admit it. My jaw dropped a little in sheer awe that a paragraph that awkward made it past an editor… though my sojourn into Twilight hell has convinced me that there never was an editor. Or if there was… Good God, can you imagine what this looked like before? This guy has just admitted to her that he tracked her like some sort of demented bloodhound, and instead of thinking “How can he smell me? Why am I in the car with a nut who thinks he can follow me by my scent? This whole thing reminds me of that guy in Silence of the Lambs who Lecter got to kill himself because he said he could smell Clarice’s lady bits…” she starts thinking “Oh, GAWD! He’s so dreamy! I hope he answers all of my questions, most of which would revolve around his penis if I weren’t in a book written by a Mormon housewife!”

This whole scene is just… Edward is an asshole. I understand he’s keeping a whoo-scary secret, but he forces himself into this chick’s life, and when she displays the bare minimum amount of curiosity to suggest that she has a functioning brain, he gets all snippy with her. What kind of mind-reader is he that he thinks he can just save people from car smashing, track them by scent, read minds, and drive like a lunatic without ever having an accident or getting pulled over and then expects them not to be in the least bit curious as to how he pulls off these amazing feats? I guess Edward is also pretty gosh darn stupid, or just monstrously unobservant.

“"Most of the time I tune it all out — it can be very distracting. And then it's easier to seem normal" — he frowned as he said the word — "when I'm not accidentally answering someone's thoughts rather than their words." Red card! Improper use of separating dashes!

“He looked at me, his eyes enigmatic.” *facepalm* You know, I’m only one page into this chapter.

“"My mind doesn't work right? I'm a freak?" The words bothered me more than they should — probably because his speculation hit home. I'd always suspected as much, and it embarrassed me to have it confirmed.” Wait, what? Bella’s so convinced that she’s hot shit, why is she insecure all of a sudden? The only person she hasn’t made her superiority over abundantly clear is Edward.

Also, SMeyer is very inconsistent. When Edward finishes speaking, his sentences should end with a comma and a lower case ‘he’. About ¾ of the time, you get a period followed by a capitalized ‘He’, as if Edward were Jesus. Then you get it done properly. Once again, EDIT FAIL!

“"Aren't we past all the evasions now?" he reminded me softly.” Except when I want to be evasive!

“"Relax, Bella." He rolled his eyes, still not slowing.” Yeah, there’s a real winner of a guy. She just made it abundantly clear that he’s scaring the shit out of her, and his response is to roll his eyes and say he always drives that way. “Stop being such a big baby, I always chain my girlfriends to a wall in the basement and whip them!”

“"Probably," he agreed with a short, hard laugh. "But you can't."” After her comment that he could walk away from a horrific car crash. Way to remind her that she’s a weak, delicate flower.

“"I hate driving slow," he muttered.
"This is slow?"
"Enough commentary on my driving," he snapped.” YIKES! He’s driving over 100 miles an hour, scaring her, messing with her built-in compulsion to follow traffic laws, and then whines like a child when doing the “gracious” thing and slowing down a bit, followed by him getting mad when she asks him for the slight favor of not scaring the shit out of her. If Bella was at all intelligent, she would run away NOW. He likes scaring her and he whines when he doesn’t get his way, then gets mad. Perfect guy, my ass.

“He looked down at me, his honey eyes unexpectedly gentle.” My moods turn on a dime, but I’m a delight! Really!

“I edited all my scheming out of the story” Can’t let Eddie know what a manipulative bitch I am!

And SMeyer is still doing the incorrectly punctuated sentences.
“I just came from the store,” I/he/she said.
“I just came from the store.” I/He/She said.
Are we clear? Dandy.

“"I'd like to have seen that." He chuckled darkly. "And you accused me of dazzling people — poor Jacob Black."” It’s so funny when you break other boy’s hearts. It makes me larf.

“"No," I said softly. "It doesn't matter to me what you are."” Just keep being a very pretty asshole! Don’t change a thing, especially not the scaring me and yelling at me and the whining and the breaking into my house and the calling me stupid and laughing at me.

“A hard, mocking edge entered his voice. "You don't care if I'm a monster? If I'm not human !" Oh, Eddie-kins, you are a monster, but not the kind you think.

“The golden eyes held mine, and I lost my train of thought.” Gawd, how am I expected to think when there’s a pair of pretty eyes not watching the road?

“"This is a mistake?" I heard the sadness in my voice, but I didn't know if he could as well.” How stupid can you get?! He just told you he drinks human blood! You may be Princess Speshul Snowflake, but you’re still a human!

“His words hinted at an end, and I recoiled from the idea. I couldn't waste one minute I had with him.” Not until he eats me, anyway.

“"Tell me more," I asked desperately, not caring what he said, just so I could hear his voice again.” Bella needs to have an orgasm. I don’t care how crude that sounds, but she does, preferably by herself without fantasies of Edward. But we know she never reaches sexual self-discovery, because her happiness is 100% dependent on being glued to Edward.

“"Tell me why you hunt animals instead of people," I suggested, my voice still tinged with desperation. I realized my eyes were wet, and I fought against the grief that was trying to overpower me.” It’s probably just SMeyer’s rotten turn of phrase, but it sounds like she’s getting weepy that he might not think she’s tasty enough to eat.

Typo page 89: “But it keens us strong enough to resist.” I think you mean “keeps”.

“He chuckled. "You are observant, aren't you?"” No, she’s really not, or she would remember the names of the characters in her “favorite” book and she would notice that you throw up red flags like a state highway project.

“I didn't answer; I just listened to the sound of his laugh, committing it to memory.” I guess she’s taking that learn to masturbate advice….

“"I wasn't joking when I asked you to try not to fall in the ocean or get run over last Thursday. I was distracted all weekend, worrying about you.” Oh, this is just textbook. “Baby, I need to keep you close to me because you get hurt when I don’t tell you what to do. I’m not being controlling, I’m protecting you.”

“"Then why weren't any of you in school?" I was frustrated, almost angry as I thought of how much disappointment I had suffered because of his absence.” Dammit, if I can’t obsess over you, what can I do? Be an intelligent, independent human being?

"Don't you see, Bella? It's one thing for me to make myself miserable, but a wholly other thing for you to be so involved." He turned his anguished eyes to the road, his words flowing almost too fast for me to understand. "I don't want to hear that you feel that way." His voice was low but urgent. His words cut me. "It's wrong. It's not safe. I'm dangerous, Bella — please, grasp that."” Oh. My. God. Edward can read minds, so he knows that every woman and quite a few men who so much as glance at him instantly want to jump his pallid, undead bones. He continues forcing himself into Bella’s life, then just barely pulling back with “Oh, aren’t I mysterious and tortured?”, which is a guaranteed panty-melter for most women. And he’s surprised that she’s as obsessed with him as he is with her?

“"No." I tried very hard not to look like a sulky child.
"I'm serious," he growled.
"So am I. I told you, it doesn't matter what you are. It's too late."
His voice whipped out, low and harsh. "Never say that."” SMeyer shows her true colors again: Bella is always the unreasonable one, Edward is always right. And his little displays of temper are sexy.

“"Are you crying?" He sounded appalled.” That often happens when guys yell at girls for no reason, especially girls they’ve led on mercilessly.

“"You were going to fight them?" This upset him.” The weak woman thing show a hint of backbone!? We can’t have that! I’ll bet women who carry guns make Edward Cullen’s penis cry.

“I pulled his jacket off, taking one last whiff.” He smells like iodine and roses.

“It was the same exquisite scent that clung to his jacket, but in a more concentrated form.” *vomit* He pulls her in, blows in her face like she’s a dog he’s trying to tease, and she gets all swoony.

“I thought I heard him chuckle, but the sound was too quiet for me to be certain.” You can be certain that no matter what, Edward will laugh at you.

“"You made it home?" Her voice was relieved… and surprised.” I was actually calling to tell your Dad I thought you had been kidnapped, because a creepy guy from school was acting really, really controlling towards you. After all, despite you treating me like Bitchy McHateful, I’m an ideal friend.

And over the rest of the page, Bella describes a psychotic breakdown. Seriously, her movements, feelings, and sensations are all familiar to the day that I realized my eating disorder was absolutely out of control and that I was enslaved to it. It was the worst moment of my life, and I felt exactly like that, the hot and cold, the ache, the shivers, the nagging fear for my life mixed with apathy for the danger I knew I was in…

“And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.” That is not love. That is psychosis. Get yourself some help.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Not from book 1

This is from another entry on, but proof that "imprinting" is explicitly sexual. For those who don't know, SMeyer has her werewolves "imprint" - when they see their soulmate, they become obsessed with her.One falls for a girl who rejects him (he's her cousin's fiance), so he brutalizes her and she accepts. One guy falls for the girl who adored him, but who he never gave the time of day. And two imprint on children: a two-year-old and an infant. The ones who fall in love with children become constant fixtures in those little girl's lives, with the expectation of one day having a sexual relationship with them, While SMeyer says, 'Oh, they're just big brothers.... until the girls are old enough!' Imprinting is explicitly sexual because SMeyer is an awful writer. She tells us it's not sexual, but shows very plainly that it is. Proof that imprinting is sexual, even on the babies:

"He'll just have to be patient for a few decades." Eclipse, page 121. Why would he have to be patient if he just wanted to be her big brother? He can be big brother her entire life.

"And then, when she's grown up, they'll be as happy as Emily and Sam." Eclipse, page 121. How can that be if Quil (and everyone else) does not expect a sexual relationship? Jacob says that it isn't romantic, but it obviously is, because he's waiting on her to grow up, so they can be "as happy as Sam and Emily". (Sam is the one who ripped Emily's face off, causing her to realize she loves him)

"But why wouldn't she choose him, in the end?" Eclipse, page 121. Jacob does not understand that obsession is not necessarily reciprocated. Also, no matter how much he states to the contrary, he is expecting this to become a sexual relationship. He is not expecting Quil to simply worship the object of his affections to the end of his days, like he should if imprinting is not sexual. But because it is, Quil is just waiting for Claire to get old enough before telling her that he wants to hit that good.

“Cwaire pway wid Qwil aaaawl day. Cwaire nebber gowin home.” Breaking Dawn, page 97. If that doesn't set off your creep alarm...

"No matter what stage they were in—about to tie the knot like Sam or just a much-abused nanny like Quil—the peace and certainty they always radiated was downright puke-inducing." Breaking Dawn, page 97. Quil is certain that Claire will choose him when he decides to make his move. The idea that she might say no never occurs to him.

"You never saw a real parent so jazzed to play whatever stupid kiddie sport their rugrat could think up." Breaking Dawn, page 98. Because Quil has to be perfect, or Claire won't sleep with him.

"Though I did think it sucked that he had a good fourteen years of monkitude ahead of him until Claire was his age—for Quil, at least, it was a good thing werewolves didn’t get older." Breaking Dawn, page 98. The monkitude. Jacob knows that this is sexual, no matter how much he pretends otherwise. Monks are celibate. Jacob says Quil is going to wait to end his celibacy until Claire's 17 or so.

"He was worse than any paranoid, overprotective mother." Breaking Dawn, page 99. Because no mother is waiting for her child to grow old enough to have sex with.

"His hands flew up to touch Claire, as if making sure she was still there." Breaking Dawn, page 99. CREEEEEEEPY!

"I tugged lightly against his hold on Renesmee, and he just stepped closer to me." Breaking Dawn, page 289. Jacob just can't let go of his sex object.

"Staring at her like… like he was a blind man seeing the sun for the very first time." Breaking Dawn, page 289. But no, that's not sexual, especially not for a grown man looking at an infant.

“You stupid mutt! How could you? My baby!” Breaking Dawn, page 289. Why would Bella be so upset if she didn't know perfectly well it was sexual? If he was just going to be big brother to her little monster, why would she care?

“I can share,” he said pleadingly as he retreated across the lawn." Breaking Dawn, page 290. Generous of him, considering that he's talking to the baby's mother.

"“You think you’ll be part of my family as my son-in-law!”" Breaking Dawn, page 290. Because there's no way he's not going to marry her someday.

"“You’re going to stay away from her,” I hissed up at Jacob.
“I can’t do that!”" Breaking Dawn, page 290. Proof that imprinting is about the imprinter, not the imprintee. He only cares about being around her, not what she or her family wants.

"“He was watching Nessie sleep, his mouth hanging open like the moron he is," Breaking Dawn, page 315. He is sexually fascinated by this infant.

"“I’m not going to think about that for approximately six and a half more years.”
Edward laughed and then sighed. “Of course, it looks like he’ll have some competition to worry about when the time comes.” Breaking Dawn, page 474. Yes, because letting your best friend bang your daughter is so much better at 7 than at 6 months. But still, they're admiring Jacob's restraint in not banging her until she looks grown up.